Renewing My (Inward) Focus

I’ve stated before that I’m not a big New Year’s Resolution person. I don’t have anything against them per se, they just aren’t for me. But I do believe in taking opportunities- not just in the new year but throughout the year as well- to pause, examine our areas of focus. It provides us the chance to examine whether or not the path we’re on is a direction we’d like to be heading, to see where we’re putting our attention and intention on a daily basis, and to make adjustments if we feel we need to. We’re all unique individuals and because finding renewing one’s focus is going to be different from person to person, it’s not for me to say specifically how anyone else should do this. Therefore, I thought I’d share my focus this year, and maybe offer a few tips that have helped me in this process. 

So far in 2020, I’ve done a lot more listening to myself. I have a strong intuition and intuitive sense, I’m generally pretty in tune with my body’s nuances, and I spent a lot of time towards the end of 2019 noticing  my thought patterns - particularly those that were holding me back, or those areas in which I tend to speak unkindly to myself. In the first few weeks of 2020, I’ve worked on connecting with myself in each of these manners. In addition, I’ve worked on becoming more connected to my spiritual side through yoga and meditation, and my education/training/years of working in health and wellness mean that I have a decent sense of my physical body (anatomy & physiology wise). So I’ve been able to have a pretty well-rounded approach to tuning into myself

As I’ve begun to listen to myself more, both on and off the mat, I’ve noticed how frequently I didn’t in the past. In the 21st century, we’re so frequently bombarded with everyone else’s thoughts, opinions, beliefs, values, “shoulds” and more that it can be easy to lose ourselves in them. And when that happens, I notice that my focus shifts. It might shift towards what someone else suggests or wants or values. It might simply shift away from myself, and I stop feeling like me. In the busy day to day, it often shifts towards figuratively putting bandaids on gaping wounds - by which I mean quick fixes in the moment as opposed to delving deeper into an issue - and frequently, this means shifting away from ourselves and the part we play in our own lives. 

And so as I start 2020 I’ve decided to re-adjust the focus. I’m looking inward a lot more. I’m getting back to my own practice as often as I can, even if it’s “just” 10 minutes on the mat at home (the word just in quotes because I don’t think any yoga time is wasted, and even 10 minutes regularly can make a difference). I’ve been meditating regularly, and  I’ve begun an evening ritual of mala bead mantras followed by some sort of guided visualization/yoga nidra/sleep meditation. 

As a teacher, I’ve been refocusing on what feels like authentically me. I understand that it might not be for every person or every studio or every client or student, and I’m OK with that. Trying to fit into what everyone else wants instead of bringing my authentic self doesn’t feel yogic to me at all, and I’d rather be genuine for a select group of people and places than feel like I’m forcing myself to be who I’m not. Lack of authenticity can be palpable, and it affects not only me, but my classes and students and clients and basically anyone I come into contact with. 

In life in general, I’ve been focusing on my intuition. It’s always been a strength of mine, and I can feel it in my body when I’m going against my innate sense. I’m refocusing on connecting with this inner wisdom, with situations that feel intrinsically “right” (not “right” as in “this checks all the boxes/makes x amount of money/logically makes sense but as in feels right deep down to me, intuitively). I’ve been focusing on activities that allow me to connect to this knowledge, this “feeling”, for lack of a better term - it goes deeper than a feeling, but it’s tough to put into words. 

I’ve also been focusing on spending more time and energy on people who I feel an intuitive connection with, which can be tricky as a socially anxious introvert, and if often feels like my intuition and anxiety are duking it out in my brain, but it’s getting easier with time. It’s worth noting two things here:  1.) I realize the term intuitive connection sounds a little “out there” and might freak people out. I don’t mean this in a weird way. I mean in the way that sometimes you meet a person and instantly think “this person and I are going to be friends” or that you know somehow this person is someone to be connected to for some reason - you can’t explain it, you just kind of know.  2.) This connection doesn’t mean it’s always people who I’m closest to right now or who I’ve known forever (though it can be, certainly). It’s more people that seem to naturally get me, that I get, that understand or want to understand me, and who are willing to be understood by me. 

This listening to myself isn’t always easy. In fact, my word of the year is “uncomfortable”. As in pushing past self-limiting beliefs in order to get where I’m hoping to go. It can be uncomfortable to listen to yourself when others are telling you differently. It can be uncomfortable to act intuitively in a world made for logic and facts and figures, especially when you tend to lack confidence in the first place. It can be uncomfortable to work on connecting with others, especially when you’re a socially anxious introvert like myself who often feels like a burden and like people are just connecting with me “to be nice” or “not to hurt my feelings” (true story, I anxiety tells me this lie often). It can be highly uncomfortable to sit with yourself and realize the patterns of your own thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, actions that have been holding you back, and to work on changing these patterns when they feel so ingrained. But in the end, I believe that it’s worth it, and it’s why I’m renewing my focus on listening to myself. 

As I mentioned above, each person’s focus, and how they renew that focus, is going to be highly individual. But if you need some tips for figuring out your focus, I can suggest the following that have worked for me. 

• Spend some time on your own. It doesn’t have to be meditating or yoga.  It can be going for a walk or a hike. It can be cooking or baking. It can be listening to music that relaxes you. It could be going for a run or wandering around a museum. But spend some time on your own, and just allow yourself to observe your thoughts, anything that pulls you or draws you in (in a way that you like, not like a train wreck that you can’t stop watching), anything that feels authentic or genuine or makes you feel like you. 

• Try out different areas of focus and see how they feel in your body. When we do something that doesn’t feel right, our body knows. We might feel a tightening in the chest or in the solar plexus (think rib cage/diaphragm area). It might be holding tension in the hips or shoulders, or you might notice your breath change. In fact, you may not even have to actually try out focusing on different things  - often just the idea of focusing on something can cause a reaction in the body. 

• Take note - keep a notebook r a sticky or a word document or a note on your phone where you jot down things that make you feel joy, happiness, feel natural, or feel calming, for instance. It can be activities, ideas, people, anything. Just take note. You don’t have to analyze them in the moment, just note. Eventually, you can look at these to see what patterns are there. 

Of course, I know we have our daily responsibilities - family responsibilities, jobs, homes, chores, bills, etc. We can’t completely adjust our focus away from these. And I’m certainly not saying we shouldn’t focus on our families or our work. Obviously, we do, and these are important. But often, we lose ourselves so much in the day to day tasks and duties and responsibilities that we don’t have the chance to see what we want to focus on for ourselves. So as we move through this first month of 2020, I invite you to do that. If nothing else, see where it leads you. See how it shows up for you in life and, if you’re a yogi, on the mat. If you do this, I’d love to hear from you. Where are you renewing your focus? How are you doing this? Where is it taking you? 

Renewing Our Acceptance of Self

The past couple of months, I’ve been doing a bit of a deep dive into my inner thoughts and feelings, and the actions (both towards myself and at large) that I see myself taking as a result. In this examination of self, one core theme has been coming up again and again - self acceptance. Specifically, self-acceptance as I am right now, not self acceptance “if I change these twenty things about myself to be ‘more acceptable’”. I suspect I’m not alone in this, and it’s an important enough topic that I wanted decided to write a whole post dedicated to the idea of renewing self acceptance. 

On the mat, it may look like accepting your practice, and yourself in your practice, as it is in the moment. This is something I’ve been coming face to face with these past couple of months. Last year, I spent the majority of the year in yoga teacher training. We trained for nine hours most weekends (not straight nine hours of yoga, but we moved a lot) and we had to take at least two vinyasa classes a week. Not to mention practicing, other types of classes we chose to take, etc. I was doing a ton of yoga. I was more flexible than I’ve been probably since I stopped doing gymnastics around the age of twenty. I was in less pain as well - all the movement helped my joints and muscles, and my arthritis, bursitis, and joint and muscle pain felt considerably better. I felt more toned, and felt generally in good shape. Since I graduated, I’ve still been on the mat plenty (admittedly not nine hours on weekends) but it’s been more teaching, which leaves less time for my own practice, and I definitely notice the difference. My body feels stiffer, more sore, I’m less confident in my balance poses, I struggle to get into some poses as easily as I did during training, and I generally feel like I’m getting less movement. I don’t love it, to be totally honest - because who loves feeling sore and stiff and less balanced? But I also know that this is where I’m at currently in my practice, and I need to honor that. I need to honor how I still practice even when arthritis and bursitis and general soreness make me feel not so great. I need to honor that while I may not physically feel as in shape or as flexible, through teaching I’m able to share my practice with others, able to help others in their - not only in the physical asana, but in their overall wellbeing. And I’d love to get back into practice more - not only for the physical component, but the mental and spiritual as well - and it’s fine if this is a goal. I can work on getting there. But I also know that where my practice is at the moment is just fine. There’s no set standard for being a yogi. I’m just as good of a yoga teacher if I’m more or less flexible, if I practice one variation of a pose or another, if I utilize props and modifications in a pose or if I don’t. And I’m realizing that the joy I get from teaching and sharing my practice with others is way greater than the joy I get from being able to get into a pose exactly as I’d like. 

Off the mat, self-acceptance can apply to every area of life - work, family, relationships, home, finances, hobbies, how you feel  internally, etc, though each of us have our unique areas in which we might struggle with this. Regardless of the area(s) of our lives, we often live in the world of “if, then”... “If I ….had a better job, got x degree, was in a relationship, had more friends, did xyz accomplishment... I’d feel better about myself.” And it’s perfectly legitimate to have these or other goals in life. Just as it’s perfectly legitimate to want to work on certain aspects of yourself for personal growth as a human.  Self-acceptance doesn’t mean never trying to grow or evolve. Rather, it’s understanding that you’re enough, that you’re worthy, that you’re valid and lovable and deserving of love - from others and yourself - as you are right now. It’s understanding that life ebbs and flows, and that right now you might not be your exact ideal self, but that’s ok. 

As simple a concept as it sounds, in practice it can be exceedingly tricky. So as we start this new year, I invite you to allow yourself to be. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, without judging it. Allow yourself to be where you are in this moment -whether it feels great or difficult or messy or joyous or however it feels. Allow yourself to acknowledge who you were in the past, and then allowing yourself to move on from that past version of you. Similarly, allow yourself to have goals and dreams and plans, while at the same time knowing that you’re enough without having to reach these. And if you struggle with self-acceptance, know that this, too, is all part of the ebb and flow of life. Acknowledge it, know that perhaps right now you’re in one of the ebbs, and don’t judge yourself for it. It’s part of being human, as we all are. And just as we accept our friends and loved ones despite their imperfections (and often because of them), it’s time to accept ourselves in the same way.

Aparigraha - The Yama of Letting Go

The last, but certainly not least of the Yamas is Aparigraha, or non-grasping. In a nutshell, aparigraha means letting go. The timing of this post, while not intentional, seems especially key as we start a new year and new decade. So often, we cling to both our past and our future ideals, and it keeps us from being present, from enjoying the now, and even from moving forward towards our goals. 

On the mat, this could look like any number of things. It may be clinging to a certain image or standard of yoga or a yogi, and not feeling comfortable and content in your own practice because you don’t feel you meet this image. It may be clinging to the idea of what a studio or practice has to be like, or that you can’t practice unless you have x amount of time to devote to it. Instead of practicing for 10 minutes at home, you feel you can’t do yoga because you don’t have 60 minutes to get to a studio, and prevent yourself from practicing all together. Perhaps, you grasp to the way that one teacher or studio teaches, and have a difficult time allowing yourself to practice any other way. Or maybe you’re clinging to a future yoga outcome - that you won’t be an accomplished yogi unless you can do x pose (note: there’s really no such thing as an unaccomplished yogi. If you do yoga, in any form, you’ve accomplished doing yoga - therefore an accomplished yogi). For those of us that battle chronic illness, it might be that we grasp to the way our practice was before illness, or without a flare, and feeling like it’s “not good enough” when the illness progresses or flares. Aparigraha on the mat is letting go of all of this grasping, this clinging. It’s letting our practice and ourselves in our practice be where we are, right now. It’s letting go of the past images or standards, and the future outcomes, and simply being in our current practice, whatever that is. 

Off the mat, aparigraha can apply to almost anything. As in yoga, grasping often shows up as clinging to the past -often in the forms of shame, blame (ourselves or others), guilt, resentment, bitterness, and a host of other feelings. We struggle to let go of past versions of ourselves, of others. Other times, we cling to the way things were in the past, struggling to move on from a situation that no longer exists or no longer serves us. We also have the tendency to cling to the future - to an ideal outcome. We don’t feel content, feel enough, feel happy if everything isn’t happening “as it’s supposed to”. We’re so focused on some ideal or perfect outcome in the future that we don’t appreciate and enjoy life as its unfolding, and often, we may miss an opportunity or path that could greatly serve us, because we’re grasping elsewhere. Letting go of all of this grasping - of the past that isn’t any longer, of the ideal future, of the “shoulds” about ourselves and others and life - that’s aparigraha. 

Admittedly, aparigraha, or letting go, is significantly trickier in action than in concept. Often, we don’t even realize that we’re grasping, or what we’re grasping to. And to be clear, aparigraha doesn’t mean wiping the past clean, or not allowing for dreams and lofty goals. It’s perfectly human to be nostalgic about the past, or to be influenced by and learn from prior mistakes or situations. It’s motivating and inspiring to dream and set big goals for ourselves. It’s in the tight clinging, the grasping with all our might that we hinder ourselves. It’s in the believing (either consciously or subconsciously) that we can’t be happy unless things are this very specific way. It’s in the constant “shoulding” of ourselves, our life, other people, the world at large, that we prevent ourselves from being present, from being open to possibility, from finding happiness in the moment.

To give a real life example, I’ll use the recent holidays. I grew up with certain holiday traditions and ways of celebrating. I loved each and every one of them. But as we grow up, our family dynamics change  (people get married, have kids, move away, etc). We merge our traditions with those of our spouses, their families, maybe our friends, whoever we now celebrate with. And this is seriously difficult for me. As in feels almost physically painful. I’m one of those people who is so cheesily in love with everything about the holidays and the way I always celebrated, and there are times that my grasp on them is so strong it feels like I’m hanging on for dear life. And yet it’s holding me back. Time doesn’t stop, and things change, evolve. By clinging to the ways of the past that aren’t available now, I’m preventing myself from enjoying the present holiday, the time of year I love so much, and from making new traditions that I may really come to cherish. I’m standing my own way by clinging too tightly. I need to practice aparigraha, letting go, non-grasping, and allow myself to be present with what is. 

For me personally, I’ve found one way to practice aparigraha is through being curious. It allows me to honor what used to be, as well as what I hope for in the future, while still interacting with the present. When a thought, or feeling, or circumstance comes up, if I allow myself to think, I wonder what this is all about? Or I wonder what this could lead to? I’m able to explore what’s going on - in my brain, in my body, in my life - without clinging too tightly. It opens the door gently without requiring me to make any sudden or drastic moves. I don't have to suddenly drop the past or know my future - I can explore and see what happens. This could be anything from “I wonder what this new class/studio/teacher is like -I’ll give it a try and see what happens” to “I wonder where this new career opportunity could lead to” to “Maybe this will be the start of a new holiday tradition I really enjoy”. 

Aparigraha isn’t easy. We may have to delve into some deeply held beliefs about ourselves, our lives, other people, in order to understand what we’re grasping to and why, in order to let it go. But this lets us open up, grow, be present. It lets us experience the life that’s happening to us right now, instead of living in the past or the future. One of my major goals for 2020 is to get uncomfortable - not as in physical pain or doing things that aren’t serving me, but to push myself past strongly held self-limiting beliefs, which can often, at first, be extremely uncomfortable. And part of this process is aparigraha - letting go of those self-limiting beliefs, of past mistakes, of past versions of myself, and of fears about the future outcome, and to do what I need to do in the moment. 

Happy 2020! May we be able to let go of those things that no longer serve us, be present with those that do, and perhaps get a little curious along the way. 

Renewal, And Approaching With A Fresh Perspective

Happy New Year, and new decade! I know it’s common to start the new year off with resolutions, but I’m not a huge resolutions person - they tend to feel like all or nothing goals that are often either too broad (i.e. eat healthier, be more active) or massive leaps without much planning behind them that lose their luster when we get into the day to day or week to week or month to month reality of them. 

I decided that instead of resolutions, my theme for the month is going to be Renewal and Approaching With a Fresh Perspective. I opted for this two-part theme because I feel that often in order for renewal to take place, we need to change the way we’re approaching or looking at the situation, or ourselves. Other times, it’s the renewal itself that leads to the change in perspective. Perhaps it’s simply that taking the steps to renew your commitment to something (or someone) lets us pause and reflect and refresh the way we’re looking at the situation or the activity or whatever it is. 

Renewal can take place in virtually any aspect of our lives both on and off the mat, and I’ll delve into a few of these in subsequent weeks. Regardless of the specific situation, though, I think that renewal involves a few key aspects.

• Commitment, or re-commitment, to the situation, the person, the activity, or to ourselves. Depending on what we’re renewing, this may be followed up by a plan or a call to action to ourselves, or something else, but the first is commitment that we intend to stick to. 

• Openness - Often, we get stuck in patterns and we can’t seem to get out. When we’re able to be open, to allow the possibility of a different way of doing or looking or seeing or feeling something, it gives us that extra nudge we might need to recommit. 

• Patience, and gentleness with ourselves. Often, the new year is full of jump starts and big actions, and it’s not that these aren’t helpful - they can be. But we’re human, and we tend to have better days and tougher days. Truly renewing and re-approaching a commitment or a situation is more of a long game, and it may well look like tiny actions every day or week or however often, with some tougher days in between. We need to offer ourselves time and patience, and allow the fact that we’re human, and sometimes might feel like an internal battle with ourselves, while other days it feels inspired and easy.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts on renewal and fresh perspectives with you over the coming weeks, and I’d love to hear what you’re working on renewing, and re-approaching. Happy 2020! 

2019 - A Year in Review

This post was inspired by a friend who did “year in review” type post that resonated with me (in quotes because I’m not going to label/categorize someone else’s post for them). At the time I read the original post, I decided to write down my own list, but I wasn’t ready to share it yet. I’m not sure why exactly - most likely because I’m the world’s worst with sharing accomplishments. It’s always made me feel super uncomfortable. But, I decided as I go into this new year and decade that my goal is to get uncomfortable - not in the “I’m in physical pain/ill but I’m going to just tough it out” uncomfortable (though with chronic illness I do plenty of that at times), but in the “I’m afraid I’ll fail/be rejected/not succeed/people will think thoughts about me that I don’t like” uncomfortable. Because ultimately, that ability to be uncomfortable often means growth. And I’m all about growth, so here it goes.

2019 was an interesting year. An eventful year. I turned 40 in September which, while a milestone, wasn’t actually all that difficult for me. I like new beginnings, and it felt like one in a way - new decade and all that. I was excited to see what my 40th year would hold, and I continue to be so. 

I also had one of my toughest years illness wise. Depression was a frequent companion. It hung around like a house guest you never really wanted in the first place but that just won’t get the hint that they’re now massively overstaying. Anxiety wasn’t far behind. Arthritis became significantly more painful and disrupted my sleep. I’ve had weird numbness in my extremities that I still can’t explain. I spent a lot of time feeling misunderstood or not understood, disconnected and isolated despite being surrounded, in real life and virtually, by people. Lack of connection is my kryptonite, and I felt a lot of that this year. But I also had the chance to be part of several communities which, despite being a socially anxious introvert, I need. More than I often let on, though I’ve started being more vocal about this. It’s easy for people to think, when you enjoy spending time on your own, that you don't want or need that connection. That couldn’t be further from the truth for me, but nobody can know that if I don’t actually tell them, so I began doing so. It’s helped a little. It’s a work in progress, though I guess that can be said about most of life. And despite being a difficult year emotionally, mentally, and physically, I had some amazing experiences too. 

Yoga

2019 was the Year of Yoga for me. In May, I graduated from yoga teacher training and became a certified RYT-200 yoga teacher.  Just as importantly, I was part of the YTT community with twelve of the most beautiful souls that I’ve ever me, who will always be my YTT sisters.  Since graduating, I’ve taught and/or subbed at three different studios. I also began teaching a weekly Barre class at one of the studios, which I’ll continue to do into 2020. I gained my first private client, who happens to be a relative, but I’m still counting it because you have to start somewhere. I also started my first yoga benefit program - I’m teaching a weekly class at a law firm, though it’s open to the public, and proceeds benefit Kids’ Chance of New Jersey. In September, I enrolled in a Yoga for Parkinson’s Disease training/certification, and am in the process of completing that.   

Novel

Perhaps the most surprising accomplishment of 2019 was the publication of my first novel, Johanna’s Secret. The novel itself wasn’t a surprise - I’d written it (actually hand-written, paper and pen style) several years ago, then typed it up  after that. And then I sat on it for years, showing nobody. I finally showed it to my dad, who’s a writer and editor, several years ago, but still, I did nothing else with it. In early 2019, I saw that a travel client and friend of mine worked for a self-publishing company, which happened to be based in the town I grew up in, and I decided that this was way too coincidental for me not to take a chance on it. I reached out to her to begin the process, and my first novel was published in July. 

In October, I exhibited at the Collingswood Book fair, which was even more nerve wracking. I’m good behind the pages of a book or a screen. Putting myself out there and talking about my book to strangers (and having to make eye contact) and hoping they’d buy it was terrifying. But I did it, I actually sold some books, and I got to see friends who were at the festival which was an added bonus. All in all it was a great experience and while I rarely say this, I’m honestly damn proud of myself for this  one, because it definitely required me getting into my uncomfortable zone. 

Mental Health Advocacy and Spread Hope Project

I admittedly didn’t get to do as much with either of these as I’d hoped, but I did spend some time working on refining and readjusting my focus here, in particular with SHP. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote this post regarding a major goal that I want to work on for Spread Hope Project, which combines my passion for advocacy, helping others, yoga (in particular, benefit yoga), and travel. 

In terms of advocacy, I was interviewed on the Voices for Change 2.0 podcast. Public speaking of any kind, even on a podcast, is not in my comfort zone, so this was a biggie for me. I’m super grateful to Rebecca and Joe for giving me the opportunity to be on the show and speak about mental health. I also traveled to Boston to complete my 6th Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention and raised over $1000 for the cause. This past month, I signed up for the 2020 walk and began fundraising. 

Personal Development

Personal development was a huge focus for me this year. I began a deep dive into a lot of strongly held patterns and beliefs, some rooted in past trauma, others intensified by depression and anxiety, which affect a whole host of beliefs about myself, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem (or lack thereof). I acknowledged tendencies,  beliefs, and behaviors that I know are holding me back, and I began the painful process of working through them. December in particular was spent possibly more in tears than not in tears, not so much with sadness (though that too) but with the beginnings of the healing process. Of everything I’ve worked on this year, I believe this to be the most important. It’s also the most raw, and the one that I am most acutely aware of on a daily basis. It’s a long process, with lots of baby steps, but I’m ok with that. Each day is progress. I joined an online coaching group, which I’ll continue into the new year. I also solidified a morning routine and am working on solidifying a pre-bed routine that help me in this process. 

Travel

This is the first year in recent memory that I didn’t travel out of the country at all. But I did get to do more domestic travel than usual, including a 10-day road trip through New England, where I fell in love with a B&B in Burlington, VT, and cannot wait to go back to. Plus, my family began prepping for our bi-annual “family reunion” trip, which will be to Sedona, AZ in June 2020. Also, two weeks ago I found out that the annual conference I usually attend will be held in Dubrovnik, Croatia in 2020, and my mind is already spinning with ideas for turning this into a longer trip. It’s not until December 2020, but I’m ridiculously excited. I haven’t been to Croatia since 2006, and I’m hoping to add in some cities/countries that I’ve not explored before. 

Music

Those that know me well know that connecting through music - to myself, to others, to the world at large - is huge to me. I especially love live music, despite my general dislike of too-peoply situations. I went to a good number of shows this year, crossed several artists off my concert bucket list, relived the 90s several times with revival type tours of bands that were big when I was in high school, saw my first show at the Met in Philadelphia (it was Amos Lee, and everything about this was incredible), and finally saw my future cousin-in-law’s band, Wild Adriatic, play not once but twice. I went to XPN Fest again,a festival which I try to ensure I never miss, and it didn’t disappoint. A friend and I spent the weekend at the Warped Tour 25th anniversary, which was considerably tamer than it used to be and therefore just right for this 40-year-old that’s usually in bed by 9:30PM. We got to hang out on the beach for two days and listen to punk music and relive our younger days and spend time together and it was amazing. For my birthday, a friend surprised me with tickets for Hella Mega Tour which isn’t until next August but we’re already super excited (also, so much love to amazing friends that do things like this!). To be fair, I know that going to concerts and getting gifted tickets isn’t exactly an “accomplishment” but music is hugely important to me, and therefore deserved to be included in this post. 

I think that’s it.  Or rather, I’m sure there’s more, but these are the biggies, and this post is already super long. I’m looking forward to 2020. It’s a new decade, and the first year I’ll actually start while in my 40s, which somehow feels like it’s important, though I’m not sure why. I’m excited to see what it holds, and I *think* (hope?) I’m a little more prepared to deal with the struggles, as I continue to dig deep and work on myself. Most of all, I hope that I can look back at the end of 2020, as I am now looking at 2019, and see that despite all of the struggles, I’ve actually come quite far. 

Happy New Year all. See you in 2020! 

Bramacharya - Right Use of Energy

This week, I’m on the fourth of the yamas, Bramacharya. Bramacharya (which literally translates as “going after Brahman”) is often said to mean “right use of sexual energy”, or, in more severe translations, “celibacy”. But let’s just put it out there that 1.) this is a family friendly blog and 2.) I can basically guarantee that none of my readers want to read about how I use sexual energy,or want me to suggest how they use theirs. 3.) I’m not telling anyone that the best way to be a yogi is to be celibate. So, more broadly, this Yama can be said to mean “right use (all types) of energy”. I’ve also seen it described as directing energy away from external desires/pleasures/wants, and I like this definition because it is inclusive of the original translation, but allows it to be applied more generally to life as well.

So what does this look like on the mat? Well, that depends on your external desires/pleasures/wants, I suppose. But because I find this one particularly tough to describe in a generic sense, I thought I’d use examples that I’ve noticed in my own practice. On the mat, I often notice my lack of Brahmacharya in how I “measure” my yoga practice. For instance, I recently noticed that I wasn’t able to go as deep into some folds, and that I wasn’t able to stay up in some of my favorite inversions (pincha and handstand) as long as I could when I was in yoga teacher training, when I was practicing yoga at least four days a week, between training days and required classes. I admittedly have been teaching more and therefore haven’t had as much time as I’d like for my own practice, and I was frustrated myself for not being able to go as “deep” into these poses. I was focusing and putting energy into the external features of the pose - the desire to fold further, to be inverted longer. But the way the poses make me feel internally - the grounding that often comes from folds, and the energy building and literal shifting perspective that I get with inversions, hasn’t changed. The benefit I get mentally, emotionally, spiritually, from committing to practice yoga for x number of minutes per day doesn’t change whether my head touches the ground in forward fold or not, whether I hold my inversion for 5 seconds or 5 minutes (note: the only inversion I’d actually want to hold for five minutes is Legs up the Wall). And so in my own practice, I’ve begun to re-shift my energy there - how the practice makes me feel internally, how committing to getting on the mat more often helps me feel, as opposed to how far I can get into a pose, or how a pose looks from the outside perspective.

Off the mat, directing energy away from desires/pleasurable things probably looks pretty different from person to person. For some, it might look like directing energy away from traditional “vices,'' especially the type people tend to take to excess. For others, it may look like directing energy less into how we appear outwardly, and more energy into how we feel internally. Often, I think it looks like moderation of whatever it is that you tend to enjoy but possibly over-indulge in. For me, it often looks like taking a step back to observe where I have been spending my energy. I notice I spend entirely too much energy in the areas of worrying over things I cannot control, trying to make others happy, and battling against my brain. And while these might not seem like “directing energy towards pleasurable things”, putting so much energy into trying to control my surroundings, my brain, all the situations, is, in a sense, directing my energy towards something I desire (to feel total control over everything in my life). And so I’m working on taking a step and noticing where I am misdirecting my energy, and how I can use it to serve myself better. As with everything else, I’m not trying to be perfect - I know I’ll never completely stop worrying or trying to please others - I’m simply trying to moderate the energy I spend in these arenas. To pick my battles, so to speak, and therefore, better direct my energy to things that truly serve me.

Of all of the yamas and niyamas, I think Bramacharya is the toughest for me to fully grasp, and I think for most people, because of its original translation, can be the one most avoided. But looking at it through the lens of properly directing our energy towards moderation, towards those things that internally serve us on a whole, can be incredibly worthwhile.

Also I need to be clear, I’m not saying that the original translation isn’t important. There have been, especially recently, numerous examples of abuse of power by instructors and mentors in the yoga community (and in the world in general), as relates to “improper use of sexual energy”. It absolutely needs to be addressed, and I by no means mean to downplay this. It is, of course, important to act appropriately as an instructor, a student, and just a human being in general. I simply broadened the translation here to perhaps make this yama more accessible to numerous aspects of life, as I feel that “right use of energy” can extend in many directions, and might help people dig a bit further into this yama, which tends to be less than popular for many when they see translations like “celibacy”.

Replenishing Sleep

My dog, Grace, who can sleep anywhere, in any position, has this replenishing sleep thing down.

Last week, I wrote about replenishing you time. This week, I’m talking about possible the most elusive replenishment of all, especially during this busy season - replenishing sleep. Before I go any further I would like to say up front that I know we all have different patterns and schedules and habits, and that what works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. I’d also like to add the reminder that I’m not a medical professional or mental health professional, so I’m speaking purely from an experiential point of view - if you are struggling with insomnia from a sleep disorder or from some other medical condition that disrupts your sleep, I definitely suggest discussing with the appropriate health/medical professional.

So with that out of the way… sleep. Sleep troubles certainly aren’t limited to this time of year, but I think the busy schedules and the running around the increased social demands and end of the year deadlines and all of these things can lead to decreased sleep. And decreased sleep can affect … basically everything - our moods, our stress levels, our ability to concentrate and focus, our decision making abilities, and so much more. Not to mention the fact that if we lack sleep, we may be going through the days in a bit of a haze and not able to enjoy the time with family and friends that we normally would find fulfilling.

So I wanted to share a few things, both on the mat and off, that have helped me feel more replenished sleep wise:

• Yoga Nidra - yoga nidra is essentially yoga sleep. It’s not REM type sleep, more of a deep meditative state type of “sleep”, though for many people (myself included) it feels easier to get accustomed to than meditation. So if the word meditative makes you wary, I wouldn’t write yoga nidra off just yet. It might feel more accessible because you’re generally lying down. Furthermore, while the goal isn’t to actually go to sleep, it’s not the end of the world if you do, which makes this a great practice to include in your bedtime routine. There are plenty of apps and resources for guided yoga nidra. I personally use the Insight Timer app, which allows you to choose based on the length you want as well as other filters, but there are certainly numerous options. Many yoga studios also offer Yoga Nidra classes or workshops as well, if you like the idea of yoga nidra but would prefer to be in a class setting.

• Winding down your day with a restorative or yin class. If you like the idea of ending your day with yoga to relax, but yoga nidra isn’t your thing, you may prefer restorative yoga or yin. Both use plenty of props, and unlike a vinyasa class, where you’re moving from pose to pose relatively quickly, you hold the poses in these classes quite a bit longer - several minutes in yin (usually somewhere around 1-3 minutes or so), and up to about 10 minutes in restorative. These practices also tend to be more grounded, so instead of standing poses and flows, poses in these classes tend to be mostly seated, lying down, or have a good amount of contact with the floor.

• Meditation and breath work. Adding some meditation or breath work before bed - whether it’s a guided meditation, or you use mala beads, or you simply sit or lie down and focus on your breath - can be a helpful way to come back to yourself, and ease into sleep.

• Sticking to a sleep schedule as much as possible. I know this can be tricky. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy to say, “Well, I’ll just make sure I’m in bed by x time every night, no matter what” and actually do it. Life happens. Especially during a busy time of year, where we seem to have an increased number of work and personal events to attend, this can be especially tricky. Or if you’re like me and teaching classes at various times in the evenings, no evening throughout the week has the exact same schedule. But as much as you can, try to regulate it. I find having bedtime routine helps. Set a time (i.e. 30 minutes before I’d like to be in bed) that you want to start your bedtime routine. Do the same activities - whatever your bedtime routine entails - in the same order if possible. It signals to your brain “I’m getting ready for bed now” and that, along with the activities, can help you prepare for sleep.

• Schedule some unscheduled evenings and/or mornings. Block them out as if they’re a super important appointment - because they are. Set aside a morning where nothing’s planned (i.e. like a weekend morning if you have a traditional work week schedule). If possible, let yourself sleep in or, if like me you aren’t a sleeper-inner by nature, let yourself “rest in”. If there are morning duties that another person can help out with (walking the dog, getting the kids breakfast, etc), help each other out by alternating responsibilities so that you each get a morning to get some extra rest. If this isn’t an option, still take the unscheduled time. Allow yourself some time in pajamas with your coffee. Watch Saturday morning cartoons with your kids (is this still a thing? I’m dating myself here!). True, it’s not sleep. But just the idea of knowing you have down time in the morning instead of waking up to an alarm and having to rush around might help you sleep better. Do the same for evenings. Take an evening with nothing to do. Get in pajamas early. Relax and unwind. Turn off electronics a while before bedtime. Get into bed extra early. Give yourself this break.

I realize what I’m offering isn’t anything new or earth shattering. As I said, I’m simply speaking from experience. But I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that it’s ok to take care of ourselves. That replenishing our sleep, even if it means saying no to yet another holiday gathering, or taking extra time to establish a bedtime routine that helps you wind down, is so important. Not just during the holiday season, but year round.

What Exactly Is A Yoga Benefit Program, And How Can You Be Part Of It?

Taken at weekly Yoga to Benefit Kids’ Chance class, held at Capehart Scatchard.

I’ve written in the past about my goal of helping others through Yoga Benefit Programs. In my yoga story, I explained why I feel so passionately about using yoga to help others, not solely through the physical practice (though that too, of course), but in the larger picture of life. In fact, I have a goal of (eventually) raising $10,000 per year for charities/causes through yoga benefit programs - that’s how passionate I am about this. If you follow me on any social media, you’ve probably seen me posting about the Yoga to Benefit Kids’ Chance program that I’m involved in, which is an amazing opportunity to use yoga to help raise funds for a fantastic organization, and I feel so grateful to be part of it.

But I realize “benefit” has numerous meanings in numerous contexts (i.e. I hope that every yoga class I teach has some benefit to those that take it, whether it’s a “benefit class” or not!), so I wanted to write a bit more in depth about the yoga benefit programs that I offer, and how you, your company, or an organization you’re part of may be able to… ahem… benefit.

Yoga Benefit Programs, as I define them, are yoga classes, series, or workshops in which proceeds go to a charity/cause/or non-profit organization (note: each benefit program is customized and therefore all are run slightly differently, and I work to be super upfront about what percentage/entirety of the funds go to charity).

Benefits can be held by:

• An individual looking to raise funds for a cause/event/charity/nonprofit/etc. For example, each year I walk the Out of Darkness Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention. I have held several yoga benefit classes (taught by other teachers, as I wasn’t certified at the time) in which the class was a suggested donation of $20, and after the teacher’s fee was paid - because I wouldn’t expect someone to work for free - the proceeds went to the walk/cause.

• A group looking to raise funds. Maybe you’re a group of neighbors looking to raise funds for something in your community. Or perhaps you’re part of an organization looking to raise money and awareness for a cause. Or maybe you're a church or other community group looking to raise money for a charity that you’re involved in. Whatever the group, I can work with you to create a yoga benefit class or program that fits your needs.

• Workplace. I’ll probably write a whole separate piece on why I so strongly support yoga programs at the workplace. But workplace yoga benefits offer numerous opportunities to give back. First off, you’re offering your employees/teams a wellness opportunity right there on site. Speaking from experience (I’ve been a participant in workplace yoga as well), this often provides the opportunity to people that might not normally have the chance to take yoga (time, location, schedule, etc), or might be nervous about going to the studio (I find this often with first timers, who are encouraged by other first timers and friends/coworkers they know also giving it a try). Secondly, by participating in a benefit program, not only are you providing something valuable to your employees, but you’re helping out a cause/charity/nonprofit.

• An organization/nonprofit/charity. Maybe you *are* the cause, and you’re looking to raise funds and awareness for your organization. I can work with you to create a yoga benefit program that fits your needs. It can be anything from a one-time yoga event to an annual yoga benefit to a yoga series (maybe tailored towards your cause, if possible), or an ongoing yoga class. The benefit could be held on site, or we could partner with other companies/organizations to host.

• Conferences and professional events. These days, it’s becoming increasingly common for professional events and conferences (especially multi-day events) to include opportunities for both wellness/stress relief and for giving back. As a conference attendee, I’ve personally participated in everything from digging fence posts holes in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina (the giving back portion) to puppy cuddling (stress relief for attendees, and probably enjoyable for the puppies too!), and numerous activities in between. Offering a yoga class for stress relief that also benefits a cause or non-profit organization is a great way to build giving back and attendee wellness into a conference or event.

• Basically, anyone else. This list above contains a few examples, but since my yoga benefit programs are customized to fit the needs of the client, we can be creative. The key to any Yoga Benefit Program is that it’s yoga that gives back - it uses the benefit of yoga on the mat to reach further and benefit others off the mat.

I’m happy to answer any questions about yoga benefit programs and my specific offerings. And of course, if you’re interested in working together to build a yoga benefit program, or know someone else who might be, I’d love to discuss with you.

Replenishing You Time

Taking time out for an early morning home yoga practice.

As I explained in last week’s post, I’m all about replenishing this month. It’s the season of giving, but so often, we give and give and give and we forget or don’t take the time to fill up our own stores. So each week, I’m focusing on ways in which we can work to replenish.

This week, my focus is on replenishing you time. With family gatherings and holiday parties and office parties and everything else that comes with this season, it’s easy to go a week (or several) and realize that the only down time you’ve had, you spent sleeping (by the way, this is a totally legit use of down time, but sleeping at night shouldn’t be the only down time you get!). 

On the mat, this could of course look like taking the time to go to a yoga class. Or perhaps, it’s getting a private session, where you can really focus on you and what you need (physically and  overall) to get through the business of the holiday season. Or maybe it means doing something more restorative, whether that’s taking a restorative class, or simply going into more grounding, restorative versions of poses in whatever class you’re taking. Or perhaps it’s doing some meditation, either on your own or in a class setting. As a yoga teacher, this may look like making time for your own practice, which as a teacher, can often feel tough to find time for. Or if you find yourself in the studio a large amount of time, maybe it’s finding a private space away from a studio to practice - at home, outside if you’re in a climate that allows it, or somewhere else, to take yourself out of the “workplace” - because even a yoga studio can be a work place if it’s the place you work - and truly be in your own practice. 

Off the mat, this can be anything. It can be a favorite hobby, or coffee with a close friend, or vegging out and watching tv, or going for a walk or hike, or playing or listening to music, or basically anything you like to do that doesn’t make you feel obligated to someone or something else. Set aside time to do it. Schedule it in as you would an important appointment (because  it IS an important appointment) and then honor it. Also, a few tips on you time: 

• Make sure that it’s actually for you. It can be super easy to say something like “Spending Saturdays at my kids’ soccer game/dance recital/T-ball practice/etc is for me because I love my kids, and them being happy makes me happy.” And it’s probably 100 percent true that you feel happy when your kids are happy. But if you had your choice of any way to spend time relaxing, would you actually spend it this way? If the answer is yes, and it’s truly a relaxing and replenishing experience for you, then go for it! If not, as wonderful as it might be to be part of this, it’s not replenishing your “you time”. 

• It doesn’t have to look like bubble baths and scented candles and massages. People relax in all sorts of ways. For some people, it might be working on their car, or cooking, or some other activity that others look at as a chore or task on their to-do list. But as long as you know it’s actually for you, as long as it’s something that feels like it’s restoring you instead of draining you, it doesn’t have to look like the Instagram images of “self-care”.

• You don’t have to be isolated for something to be “you time”. For instance, you’re not alone if you’re taking a yoga class, but it’s still replenishing for you. One of my personal favorites is going to a coffee shop by myself and writing. There are others there, things are happening around me, but I’m in my zone with my coffee and my notebook, and it replenishes me. 

• Replenishing yourself is not selfish, and please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. First off, by replenishing ourselves, we have more energy for others. If you’re running yourself ragged with barely a second to catch your breath, it’s tougher to fully be there for those in your life. You running yourself into the ground until you crash isn’t helpful to anyone. Secondly, we have every right to look after ourselves. It doesn’t mean we just forget about everyone else.  But our health is also important. And taking a little time out for our own well being is completely legit. And while we’re on this topic, your replenishment doesn’t require a bunch of justifications and apologies to everyone. Taking care of your health is not something you need to justify or apologize for, period. 

What can you do to replenish your you time over the next couple of weeks. I feel that often, even thinking of ways in which to do this can be tricky for those of us so used to doing for others, so feel free to share your ideas - they might just inspire someone else to do the same!

Asteya - What We Steal Without Realizing

Asteya, the third yama that I chose to focus on, is defined as non-stealing. Of all of the yamas, this probably, on the surface, feels like the easiest. Most people don’t generally go around activity stealing things from others. But as you dig into asteya, this actually, to me, feels like potentially the most tricky. 

Speaking for myself, and I’d guess others can relate, we often steal without realizing it.  I know that I’m often a stealer of time and energy. It’s not intentional, not per se. I don’t set out to steal from others. I’m a Quality Time person - it’s my “love language”, if you’re into such things (I am) and it’s also just generally something I value. The people in my life are incredibly important, and therefore spending quality time with those I hold closely is one of my key goals, even for this socially anxious introvert. Similarly, genuine connection with others is an aspect of life that I highly value and pursue. Between the two of these, I can be demanding of others time and energy. I need more quality time and connection time than many others. I crave it the way others may crave their favorite foods. And therefore, I often, without even realizing it, end up stealing time and energy from other people. Because I believe that people should come before almost anything else - like work or chores or housework or things or whatever it is - I’m often asking people to take time away from those activities or priorities to spend it together. Similarly, someone might want to relax and watch TV, and I want to do something together (I don't consider watching tv without much interaction actually doing something together, which I know is my weird quirk), and in this way, I can be demanding of people’s energy. 

There are plenty of other ways we can steal from others without realizing it. If you’ve ever been asked to  do something “for good exposure”, aka for free, you’ve probably felt this. You’re providing a service or a craft or a skill, and aren’t actually being compensated for the time and energy and possible actual money (i.e. if you had to buy materials, say), that you’ve put in. If you’ve ever had someone routinely ask to pick your brain without any form of compensation (either actual payment or a “barter”/trade type of situation), you may have felt this. They’re essentially asking to take your knowledge, knowledge that in some cases they may charge others to receive, for free.  

Now, this is not to say that we don’t sometimes give things away because we want to. As a mental health advocate, I’m constantly providing information about mental health, and offering for those struggling to reach out (as a peer, I’m not a mental health professional), because this is something I want to offer in order to normalize the conversation around mental health and to erode the stigma. I want to share my story in an effort to raise awareness. I want to be a person that others can turn to when they feel alone. I volunteer for opportunities to do this. But at the same time, there are plenty of instances in which I do feel that knowledge as a patient should be compensated - when people participate in trials, or in research studies, or when organizations ask for us to be part of a project as a patient expert, for instance. These can be quite involved, can take a significant amount of time and money and in some cases even travel, and compensation is warranted. 

To be clear, all of life is a little give and take. I don’t by any means feel that everyone should walk around simply thinking “what’s in it for me - if I don’t get anything back then they’re stealing from me!”. But I do feel that often, we take more than we realize. We of course notice if we physically take an item from someone (or hopefully we do, at least). But it’s those intangibles, those resources that can’t necessarily be quantified physically, that we manage to steal often without even being aware that we’re doing it. 

And on the mat? As a student, it could be ensuring that you’re not doing anything to “steal” from the other students’ experience - for instance, trying to talk to other students during class, or letting your phone ring or beep instead of putting it away. It could be something as basic as if there’s a more desirable spot in the room (i.e. because of room design or how the sun comes in the windows or whatever) not always taking that spot. It could be a more obvious form of not stealing - i.e. not asking a yoga teacher friend to get you a deal or get you into class for free, or to repeatedly give you yoga assistance/sessions for free. As a teacher, it could be ensuring that you give your class your full attention and energy. If you teach class, but your brain is on what you’re going to make for dinner that night, or the argument you had with your partner earlier, you’re taking away (aka “stealing”) attention and focus from your class.

These next two weeks, I plan to practice Asteya both on and off the mat. On the mat, whether teacher or student, I am to put aside everything from the outside, and focus solely on the class. I generally tend to be pretty good at this, which is one of the reasons I love yoga so much - it allows me to be in the present - but I want to pay particular attention, and ensure that I’m giving my full attention to the class each moment that I’m there. Off the mat, I’m focusing on being particularly conscious of the time and energy that I tend to steal, albeit unintentionally. I’m stepping back and allowing more space for others. I’m working on noticing when I’m starting to steal time or energy, in the way of excessive quality time or connection. And don’t get me wrong, I still believe these both to be essential to fulfilling relationships with others, at least for me. But I realize that my view of the amount of time or connection “needed” might be a bit skewed, that quality time is not everyone’s way of feeling loved or valued, and that sometimes, people can connect more deeply when the room and space to also focus on their other needs, including themselves. I’m also focusing on turning my attention inward, to enjoy some quality time and connection with myself, as I feel this will, in the long run, positively influence the way I approach quality time and connection with others. 

What areas in life do you notice yourself stealing? In what ways could you practice Asteya to address these? . 

December Theme - Replenishing

The time around the winter holidays is often referred to as the “Season of Giving”. And I’m all about giving, in numerous capacities. I enjoy giving gifts to loved ones and friends, of course, but I also enjoy giving in terms of helping, or being of service. I enjoy giving by sharing - whether its my physical yoga practice when I teach, or my “off the mat” yoga practice through this blog and through my daily interactions with others, or it’s my health advocacy work or sharing my travel knowledge, or it’s helping or being of service in some other way, I truly value and delight in giving. 

But also, as a giver (who also happens to be an introvert with social anxiety), I know that the “season of giving” can be taxing. It seems that giving requires us to be drawn in twenty different directions, often having to be “on” more than usual, expending more energy. Especially if we’re focused so much on giving that our own needs go on the back burner (often the case, I find), it can be physically exhausting, mentally and emotionally draining, and just overall feel depleting. If we aren’t careful, we can burn ourselves out on giving, and that’s not good for ourselves, or for those that we’re giving to (you can’t give fully to anyone or yourself if you’re too burnt out). 

So this month, my theme is replenishing. Whether it’s physically replenishing through making sure you carve out time for your practice, or it’s replenishing your rest and sleep, or it’s replenishing your energy, or your internal or spiritual connection through practices like meditation or prayer, or its some other type of replenishing, this month the focus is about making sure we keep our proverbial cup full enough. That while we focus on giving to others, we don’t lose site of also giving to ourselves. Each week, I’ll be sharing thoughts on different ways to replenish, along with some yoga poses and practices that can help with doing so. 

Happy December!

How Intentionally Do You Speak To Yourself?

Last week, I wrote about intentionality in communication. And in particular, intentionality in communication with others. This week, I’d like to focus on a topic particularly near and dear to my heart - intentionality in our own self-talk. Whether it’s actually saying it out loud, or communicating it to ourselves through thought, I’d venture to guess that many of us speak significantly worse to ourselves, possibly without even realizing it (i.e. without intentionality) than we do to those around us - especially those around us that we value and respect. 

Raise your hand if you’ve if the following phrases sound familiar at all about your yoga practice: 

• I’ll never be able to do that pose (insert impossible-seeming pose here)!

• If I were more flexible/stronger/taller/shorter/thinner/more muscular/etc ….

• I’m no good at that pose/style of yoga/type of activity 

Or off the mat

• I’m not successful/I’ll never be successful  (Or basically anything that downplays your abilities/capabilities/accomplishments).

• I’m no good at …. (insert anything)

• “Oh I’m such an idiot!/So stupid!/So clumsy!/Insert insult you’d probably never say to your loved one in seriousness. 

These are a few of countless examples of negative ways in which many of us speak to ourselves. And often, we do it without even thinking about it. We state/think these as facts, or possibly as self-deprecating remarks, and often we do so repeatedly without giving it a second thought - literally.  

And don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the ability to laugh at ourselves and to know our own selves and be comfortable with that. I’m able to say with confidence that at 5’0, I’ll probably never be able to dunk a basketball in a regular height net, and I’m totally OK with that. But that’s me looking at the evidence - my height, the height of net, and general body dynamics, and coming to a conclusion that I find perfectly acceptable, because I honestly have no desire to be able to dunk a basketball. But all too often, this negative talk is about something we do care about, whether in yoga or in life. It’s about a pose that we’ve been practicing, or practicing prep for because we hope to get into said pose one day. It’s about a relationship or a friendship. It’s about a type of workout or activity. It’s about a career or goal or dream. Or it’s simply diving into random name calling at ourselves when we do something we don’t approve of, despite the fact that we’d never do so if it was our friend or loved one that took the same action. 

I’d venture to guess that if we paused a moment and thought about it, these aren’t the types of messages that we want to be giving ourselves. They aren’t intentional thoughts that we practice. They come out of seemingly nowhere, and yet they’re often all too familiar. We often don’t think to question them, and if we do, it may be half-hearted. We don’t sit down and actually pick through the evidence and create a convincing case to ourselves of why we can be successful  or could get into that pose or are not an idiot/clumsy/etc. Instead, we often bypass it with some positive affirmation we saw or heard somewhere or were told we should practice. Which, to be clear, is not at all what I’m suggesting. 

What I’m suggesting instead is, as I’ve stated with each post about intentionality, to have a why, a purpose to the way we speak to ourselves. And unless your why is to berate and discourage yourself, (I sincerely hope that it’s not), then phrases such as those above are not spoken/thought with intentionality. So what are some ways we can speak to ourselves intentionally? We can use the same questions as we did for communicating with others:

• Why are you saying what you’re saying? (Tip: “Because it’s true” isn’t a default answer I’d suggest. Especially when emotions are running high, or when we’re feeling particularly discouraged, or when we’re struggling with something, we can easily find “evidence” to support our claim that it’s true). 

• Is this the right time/place to communicate this? In the Communication post, I suggested taking into account the other person’s situation, preferences, etc. In this post, I invite you to take into account your own. This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult thoughts or emotions. But reminding yourself about all of the times you “failed” right before you go up to give a big presentation or for an important job interview isn’t the best time. Yes, we have to be honest with ourselves, but there’s a time and a place to dig into the difficult thoughts and feelings, and that time and place isn’t always right now.

• Am I communicating this in the best way possible? Here, assuming you aren’t calling or texting yourself negative things about yourself, I’m not talking about the actual communication modality - or at least not quite. Instead, I'm suggesting you look at the word choice, the “tone of voice” even if it’s internal (yes, our internal voice can have a tone). And sometimes, it might be the way in which it’s communicated. Maybe instead of having an internal conversation with yourself, you’d be better processing it through writing, or sitting with it in meditation, or some other method that helps you process.

• Am I being fully present during this communication? It’s honestly incredibly difficult to be fully present if you’re stewing in your head or ruminating or calling yourself a torrent of names. Just as arguments with others get away from us, our own self-talk can quickly snowball. Often, we stop being present in the actual circumstances, and as I mentioned above, we can almost always find proof of what our brain has decided is true. 

So this week, I invite you to think about how intentionally you speak to yourself. Whether it’s about your yoga practice or, if you’re a teacher, about your classes/sessions/yoga business, or it’s everyday life, take note of your self-talk. Are you being intentional? What is your why for the things that you say to yourself, and the way that you say them? Is it possible you’re repeating an old story, almost on auto-pilot, that your brain likes to rehash without actual proof? And then perhaps see how you can take a pause, and make that communication with yourself more intentional. 

Practicing the Yama of Satya, or Truthfulness

Me, no makeup, old T-shirt, wind in my hair, being authentically me. Featuring Grace in background!

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an intro about the Yamas and Niyamas, and how I’d been focusing on the first of the Yamas, Ahimsa, for the previous two weeks. The next Yama that I’ve chosen to focus on was Satya, or truthfulness. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I’m someone who’s honest almost to a fault. I loathe any type of dishonesty, either overt or otherwise. So truthfulness sounds pretty simple. Just don’t lie or be dishonest in any capacity. But it extends further than that. To me, satya, or truthfulness, is about being fully authentic and speaking your truth. 

In yoga, Satya can show up in numerous ways. For instance, as a student, not opting in for assists if you don’t want to be touched. I think people sometimes feel obligated, like they should want to be assisted, or they worry they’ll offend the teacher by not opting in. But you have every right to decide when you want to be touched and by whom, and to be honest about it.  Satya could also show up as being honest that particular pose or movement doesn’t feel right in your body, instead of just doing something that’s painful because you’re worried about upsetting the teacher. It could be simply practicing yoga (on and off the mat) in the way that feels authentic to you, instead of how you think a yogi “should practice” (in quotes, because there’s no right type of yogi, as I’ve written about before).

As an instructor, satya can be staying authentic to who you are when you teach classes and grow your business. I’ve talked before about how I often don’t fall into the typical “yogi” image, how what I want to do as a yoga teacher, and the type of work I want to be involved in may not be as traditional. And part of satya for me, part of speaking my truth, of being honest, is teaching from this place of my own unique being and perspective. Instead of trying to conform to what I think a particular studio/place wants, or how people seem to think a yoga teacher “should” be, I work to find places to teach and ways of teaching that mesh with who I am, and grow my yoga business in a way that fits my authentic self. 

Off the mat, satya, and the opportunity to practice it, shows up in all sorts of ways. It can be especially tricky for those of us who tend to want to please others and make everyone happy (I say this, being one of those types of people). It often feels easier to just “go with the flow”, to not voice your (differing) opinion because you don’t want to cause discord. Or, putting on my chronic illness advocate hat for a moment, not wanting to feel like we’re burdening others with our health issues. It can become almost automatic to say, “I’m OK.” or “I’m just tired, I’ll be fine” because we don’t want to feel like we’re complaining or dragging others down, instead of being truthful about what we’re experiencing and how we’re feeling (aka Satya). Satya can look like setting boundaries. It can look like saying no to plans that you don’t want to make, for whatever reason, instead of pushing yourself to go along because you don’t want to offend someone. Satya can look like respectful disagreement. It can look like being your weird, quirky self, instead of trying to conform to the “norm”.  There are countless other examples - these are simply the examples I find most prevalent in my own day to day life.

I’ve been working on Satya for the past week or so, and going to continue to focus on it (more than usual) for another week. It’s been both frightening (because I tend to want to make everyone happy) and liberating. Most of all, it’s made me feel like I’m really coming back to myself. Like I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin each day. I’d love to hear the ways in which others find themselves practicing satya, either intentionally, or as part of a larger focus on self-growth and self-discovery. 

Intentionality in Communication

In all of our daily actions, communication might be the area in which I find intention most impactful. When there’s intention, communication can be incredibly powerful. Of course, this doesn’t mean it’s always good - you can intentionally communicate in a way that’s harmful, such as when you purposefully say something to hurt someone. But assuming here that I’m not suggesting we intentionally hurt others through our communication, I’m going to focus on the positive aspects of intentional communication, and the way in which not being intentional with our communication can cause, well, miscommunication.

In yoga, there are numerous ways in which the intention in our communication shines through. As teachers, we can create an inviting and open atmosphere by the way in which we communicate with our students and lead the class. The language we use, the speech patterns, the seriousness or lightness that we use in class all affect the overall feel of the class. I have one particular class that I teach - a workplace benefit class for charity- in which many of the regular attendees are taking yoga for the first time, or the first time in quite a while. They have long, busy, stressful days, and as a whole, they’re looking to relax, unwind, move, raise money for the organization, and to have fun. So we keep it light. We laugh. Often.  In all of my classes, I encourage variations and modifications, and communicate these as all equally acceptable options. I make it obvious that I, as an instructor, am far from the “perfect yogi” (spoiler alert: the perfect yogi doesn’t exist, much like the perfect human doesn’t exist, so don’t worry about trying to get there). I try to avoid saying things like “the full expression of the pose”, or “a more advanced option”, because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to into a pose that doesn’t work for them, or to feel less because they aren’t going into a specific variation. 

In classes in which I adjust and assist, I always assume that people are opting out, and give them the option to opt in. I feel that communicating it in this way takes the pressure off someone feeling like “should” opt in to be touched, even if they’d rather not. There are plenty of other examples of intentional communication in class. The basic idea is that in each class or with each client, I have a “why” for communicating in the way that I do. (Big important clarification here before I move forward: As a student, you do NOT need to give a “why” for things like why you opt out of hands on assists, or why you chose a certain variation of a pose. It’s your practice, and unless it could affect the teacher in some way - i.e. you have an injury we should know about so that we don’t hurt you if you opt in for assists - you should never feel like you have to “explain yourself” to a teacher.)

In life, well, I could honestly probably write a book about intentional communication in life. But for me, there are a few key pieces to intentional communication. 

1. Know why you’re saying what you’re saying (or if it’s a non-verbal communication, why you’re doing what you’re doing)? And to clarify, not “what’s the acceptable reason/the CYA reason to be saying or doing this” but the real reason underneath it all. 

2. Ask yourself “Is this the right time/place to communicate this?” Not just for you,  but also for the other party. And to be clear, I realize that for some things, there’s no right time. If you have to communicate difficult news, for instance, there’s never going to be a “perfect time”. But doing it, say, right before they have a big interview, or in a public place where they don’t have the privacy to process it, might not be ideal. 

3. Ask yourself “Is the way in which I’m communicating this the best way for it to be communicated, both for myself and the other person?” Example: I don’t like phone calls (massive understatement). But I wouldn’t give someone life-altering news (good or bad) via a text message - or a tweet or a FB post or anything else - unless for some reason it was absolutely unavoidable, or unless the person explicitly told me they’d prefer to receive the news that way. And it’s true that sometimes the parties involved are never to agree on the “best way to communicate it” - i.e. I know people who call with things that can easily be texted/emailed/sent via singing telegram/anything but a phone call - so it’s sometimes a matter of using common sense or trying to use common sense, or doing your best to meet in the middle. 

4. Ask yourself “Am I being fully present during this communication?” Now I realize this varies for different forms of communication. If we’re texting/messaging back and forth, I don’t expect you to drop everything and stare at your phone until my next message comes through. But if we’re having an in-person conversation and I’m staring at my phone or the TV (assuming we’re not having a convo about something on my phone or the TV), I’m not being fully present. And part of intentionality in communication is being present. It’s difficult to be fully intentional about a conversation, your words, your non-verbal cues, your tone, you’re listening, when you’re only half (at best) focused on it. And while I’m at it, remember that listening is an equally important part of communication - you can say volumes without saying anything. 

Intentional communication these days can be tricky. We have emails, texts, phone calls (or, you know, hopefully not so much on the calls for this introvert!), social media notifications from numerous platforms all coming at us continually, not to mention communication with the people that we’re actually in the presence of. And it’s understandable that if, for instance, you work in an on-call situation where you could get an urgent text or call any minute from work, you can’t fully set your phone down and simply ignore it all together. Or if you have little kids, I get that they may run in the room and interrupt our phone conversation. Life happens, and it’s understandable. But we can choose to, as best we can, be present with the communication we’re currently engaging in. We can choose our words intentionally, thoughtfully, regardless of if they’re written or spoken. We can focus on the other person/people. We can pay attention to our non-verbal cues as well. We can do our best to be purposeful with our communication, to know our why, and to aim to communicate with that in mind. I think that of all the actions we take in daily life, intentionality in communication may be the trickiest. I also believe it’s the most important. 

The Yamas, Niyamas, and Practicing Ahimsa in Everyday Life

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I’ve been doing a monthly theme of letting go, and I’m going to continue to do monthly themes. But I have also decided, based on some of my own self-work, to add in an additional post every week or two based on some yoga theory (aka not physical-pose related). If you’re not into yoga theory, or aren’t sure what it is but are pretty sure it’s not your thing, stay with me for a moment. Like the monthly themes I’ve been discussing, these can be applied to daily life - in fact, that’s their purpose. The physical practice of movement (aka Asana) that we tend to think of as yoga is actually just one piece of what yoga actually is. Without getting too deep into it, there’s what’s called the Eight Limb Path of Yoga, and physical practice, or asana, is just one of these eight limbs. 

I won’t go into all eight limbs here (though I’m sure I will at some point on this blog eventually). But there are two specifically that I want to focus on over the coming weeks and months, and those are the Yamas (pronounced YAH-muhs, rhymes with “Llamas”) and Niyamas (NEE yah-muhs). Roughly translated, yamas are restraints with self, while niyamas are restraints with others and there are are five of each.  If the word restraints is off-putting, think of maybe as thoughtful action - that’s definitely not the best translation, but it’s the best way I can think to put it. Still with me? I’ll get to the point soon, I promise, but this background is important.

During a Marco Polo personal development brainstorming session with some family members (because we do things like Marco Polo personal development brainstorming sessions in my family), I mentioned that I was trying to think of small, specific activities that I could focus on each day, and one suggestion I was given was to combine the thought work I’ve been doing with my yoga knowledge, and to pick a yama or niyama to focus on for a set amount of time (week, month, etc). I absolutely love this idea, and I decided that I wanted to spend two weeks focusing on each of the yamas and niyamas. I then got the idea to put these into blog form, to share about these important pieces of yoga, and in case others wanted to learn more about them or give them a go as well. 

I decided to start with the first Yama, Ahimsa, or non-harming, and  I’ve been working on this for a couple of weeks now. Now, I realize this one probably sounds pretty easy, as many of them do. Just don’t harm people. And I thought that too. As a vegetarian yogi who literally can’t kill a bug in my house, not harming people just doesn’t seem that tricky. But, in fact, it’s tougher than it sounds. Hear me out. 

Obviously, not physically harming people is something that we should just generally follow (Always. Just don’t physically hurt people). But there are so many other ways in which we can harm people. We can mentally or emotionally harm them - criticism, putting them down, stigmatizing, ignoring them/leaving them out, doing things that make them feel unimportant, yelling at them, etc. We can also do harm in ways that we don’t always see as harm - and that’s where I decided to focus. Specifically, I decided to focus on something that many people, including myself, do all the time that we don’t realize can be harmful - and often don’t even realize that we’re doing. And that is complaining. 

As a society, we complain a lot. In the summer it’s too hot, in the winter it’s too cold, in the spring it’s too rainy (I can’t really think of a complaint about fall weather but I’m sure there is one). We’re too busy, we’re too bored. We want time alone, we don’t see others enough. I’m guilty of this, I know. Often, I don’t even realize I’m complaining. It feels like I’m simply stating a truth. 

Before I continue with the non- complaining, I want to clarify something. I’m a full believer in being honest about things going in our lives, in our bodies, in our minds, etc (in fact honesty, or Satya, is another of the yamas that I’ll be discussing soon). As a mental health advocate, I’m big on not having to pretend too always be OK,  and instead, being open about mental health struggles. This goes for other illnesses as well. You shouldn’t have to pretend you're not in pain when you are. Or if, for instance, a friend or spouse or family member does something that upsets you, it’s fair to let them know (as kindly as possible, assuming it wasn’t malicious). To me, what differentiates complaining is that it doesn’t serve a purpose. It’s not sharing with someone how you’re feeling because it helps you to say or them to understand. It’s not asking for help or spreading awareness. It’s not communicating something that, if not communicated, could cause issues down the road. It’s not even communicating something functional (i.e. there’s a difference between “It’s so cold out, I hate this weather!” and “Hey it’s cold out today, may want to bring a jacket.”)  And often, we don’t ask if the person we’re complaining to is ok with it. We just jump into their sphere with our complaint without checking if they’re in a position to deal with it right now. And that’s where I’ve been trying to focus (emphasis on the word trying). 

I’ll be honest, these past few weeks have been challenging ones, and I’ve definitely done my share of complaining. Some things happened that I felt extremely frustrated/sad/angry/hurt about, and I did do a fair bit of venting (which is basically masked complaining) to trusted people. I all out threw a pity party one day, which is basically complaining to the hundredth power. But I’m working on it. It’s not easy. I am starting to notice and catch myself as I say things. I’m starting to at least be able to be mindful of when I’m complaining, which allows me to choose if I want to proceed, or if I want to either reword what I’m about to say, or just not say it at all. It’s certainly not something I’ve mastered, but it’s a start, and for now, I’ll take that. 

Intentionality in Movement

In yoga asana (aka poses/physical practice), we of course focus quite a bit on movement. Not simply what a pose looks like, but how it feels in the body, the different variations of the pose, ways to adjust or modify the pose using your body or props. But more than just the physical aspects of the pose, we often focus on the why.  Why do we do this particular pose (in general, and today in this class)? Why do I choose to do a particular variation? Why do I use props for this same pose some days, and not on others? Why do we choose to transition from one pose to another in a particular way? This why, to me, is where intentionality comes in. The why gives us our reason, our intention, behind each movement. 

And if this sounds a little tricky, I understand. Often, we do yoga to get out of our heads. We spend all day focusing, thinking, making decisions, etc, and we just want to go to class, have someone tell us how to move and remind us to breathe, and to stop all the brain chatter.  I completely get that. And there are certain forms of yoga that lend themselves to this particularly - styles in which you’re doing repetitive motions or sequences, in which you do the same postures in the same order each time, and it becomes almost like a moving meditation (albeit, possibly a moving meditation that greatly works your muscles and makes you sweat). But especially for styles of yoga that aren’t so set, such as vinyasa, in which the instructor and the students have the opportunity to adjust their class from day to day, I think this idea of why we chose to move as we do, becomes especially important. So I thought I’d share a few simple questions that might help you move more intentionally, without requiring in depth analysis while you’re trying to relax. 

• Do I need something more energizing, or something more grounding/restorative? Certain poses, such as backbends and inversions, can be energizing. If you need this in that moment, great! But if you need something more grounding or restorative, you may choose a backbend like supported bridge, or an inversion like legs up the wall, when the option is offered. 

• Does this feel good in my body? Now I’ll be honest, there are some poses that are never going to feel great in the body, and that’s different for each of us, because we all have different bodies. But what I mean is, “Does it feel like this is the right version for me right now?”  And if you care to dig further,  “Why does this feel like the right version to me right now?” 

• What do I want from practice today? This is something you can simply ask yourself as you’re heading into class. It may be the same answer as question number one - energizing or grounding. But maybe you also want to feel stable or balanced. Maybe you want to feel powerful (as in your personal power). Maybe you want to feel peaceful. Maybe you want to feel strong (physically or emotionally or both). Or maybe it’s something physical - you feel stiff and want to loosen up, or you want to focus on a certain body part. But knowing what you want from practice today helps you to move intentionally throughout. It helps you in choosing variations of poses and movements, and in truly feeling the poses in your body. For instance, what do you feel as your hand presses into the mat or a block in that pose - do you feel grounded, strong, energized, balanced, powerful? What do you notice happening in the body in each pose, beyond simply the physical sensation. This will help guide your movements, to help you move toward whatever it is that you wanted from practice that day.  

In life, it’s much the same. We often go through movements without realizing why we’re even doing them, other than the obvious (I’m walking my dog because I don’t want her to have an accident in the house). But often, we miss so much. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve taken my dog for her morning walk and been so caught up in my head/thoughts/etc that I barely notice anything around me. Then, later in the day, I’ll complain about how I’ve been stuck inside sitting in a chair all day. But the truth is, I haven’t - I take my dog on almost a mile walk each morning. I’m outside in the fresh air. Often, I can hear the birds or crickets. We go out early, so I get to enjoy the peacefulness of a quiet city before it wakes up. And yet I’m not taking any of it in, and then later complaining about not having the opportunity for exactly what I experienced on the walk. We do the same with eating, with driving, with so many other actions in everyday life. We move through so much of our day by rote, not really focusing on the movement, but simply just getting through.  (Note: you can ask yourself the questions above as you move through life as well - you might find that with some tweaks in working to make it appropriate to the situation, they can apply just as well to our day to day movements as to our movements on the mat).

So throughout the month of November, I’m going to invite you to move more intentionally, both on the mat (if you practice) and off. Notice why you’re moving as you do. Notice what it feels like, both in the body, but also beyond that - how does it make you feel as you move this way? Why are you choosing these movements, these actions? And as with all of yoga, there’s no judgement of the answer - it simply helps to keep us present, and to experience life more fully as we move through it. 

Living Intentionally - November's Theme

Back in September I wrote about the five themes that I was focusing on for my 40th year - Growing, Re-Connecting, Letting Go, Non-dependence, and Intentionality. Some of these -Growing and Reconnecting - I’d already used as monthly themes for this site. For October,  I focused on the theme of Letting Go. And so, as we move into the month of November, I’ve decided to focus on Intentionality. (I’m undecided if I’m going to spend a month focus on non-dependence, as that’s more a personal goal of mine, and not one I particularly relate to my yoga work, but I might change my mind on that).  

If the word Intention makes you think of something you set at the beginning of yoga class, well, you’re right. But intention and intentionality are much more than a word or a mantra that you use while on the mat in class. Intentionality, at least as I’m using it here and in my theme for the year, is about the purpose.  It involves being present with and focused on specifically whatever you’re doing in that moment. It involves knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing. 

We live in a world where the ability to do twenty things at once is coveted. And being able to multitask, at least to some extent, does have its place. If you’re in a job where you have to answer the phone, but it’s not your sole task, you can’t be completely thrown for a loop every time the phone rings - you need to be able to answer the phone, have a conversation, and then go back to whatever it is you were working on, all with relative ease. Similarly, if any time a passenger in the car started talking we gave them our undivided attention, we’d probably have totaled multiple cars by now. 

But there are many times where our attention is so divided that we find ourselves in the middle of a conversation and have no idea what the other person is saying - either because we’re paying attention to everything around us, or we’re stuck in our own worries, or we’re thinking about what we want for dinner, or something else. Or we complain about how we have no free time, but in fact we’ve spent every evening in front of the TV or on social media zoning out, without even giving it a second thought. And let me note here - I have no issue with TV or social media, but we often turn to almost on autopilot, regardless of what else is going on, not because we really want to watch TV or check social media, but because we aren’t acting with intentionality. These are simply a couple of obvious examples. I could easily find at least ten activities I do every day that I barely recall doing, or why. I simply go through the motions. Which means that honestly, I miss a lot of life by being on autopilot - aka not living intentionally. 

In yoga, there are numerous ways we can find ourselves being unintentional. We can be going through the poses as if they were a game of Simon Says, instead of focusing on connecting movement with breath, being mindful of how our body is aligned in the pose, or understanding why we’re doing the pose at all. Or maybe it’s that we always go for what we consider the most “advanced” variation of a pose without giving thought to whether or not it serves us best. Or the opposite - we automatically always go into the same modified version without thinking, because we’re just used to the idea that this is the only variation we can do. Or maybe we become so entrenched in our yoga routine that it feels… well… routine. Maybe it starts to lose meaning, or we notice we don’t feel the same after a class as we used to. We go because it’s what we do, but when we think about the why (why we take that style at that class at that studio from that teacher) we can’t really say. 

Of the mat, it could be just about anything. The way we go through our morning routine, our communication with others, the drive to work, the way we spend our downtime, how we approach household chores and tasks. It could even (and in my case certainly often is) our thoughts. The number of times each day that I catch myself lost in thought, or my brain becoming a runaway train, without even being aware of how I got on the train in the first place, is too many to count. And while I value a good day dream or visualization (or, let’s be honest, rabbit hole of thought/imagination) as much as the next person, I waste a lot of valuable time chasing my own brain and trying to get it back on track. 

So throughout November, I’m going to focus on intentionality as it applies to various aspects on and off the mat. And if you’re thinking “but November is the month of Thanksgiving (at least for those of us in the U.S), shouldn’t you be focusing on gratitude/being thankful?”, here’s the thing - to me, gratitude is intentionality. While certainly there are some people who may naturally just feel grateful without much effort, generally speaking, gratitude is something we practice intentionally - especially at first. Every morning I write down at least three things I’m grateful for.  People keep gratitude journals. They use apps. (I personally do both). They tweet or post a daily gratitude. However we do it, we do so intentionally. It might, after a while, because something that’s more second nature - you might eventually get out of bed and begin the day feeling grateful that you’re alive and it’s a new day, instead of grumbling over your alarm. But for many of us, this is a practice, and it’s something that we have to do intentionally on a regular basis if we hope to get to that second nature point. So I’ve got you, gratitude, thankfulness. I’m not leaving you out. It’s all part of intentionality. Happy November! 

Letting Go of the Negative Stories We Tell Ourselves

Looking ahead (Atlas Mountains outside of Marrakech, Morocco).

For the last blog in my series on letting go, I wanted to write about the “letting go” that I think can potentially be the trickiest of all (or at least of the topics discussed in this series). It encompasses a bit of everything I’ve posted about this month, and it could honestly be a series of blogs on its own, in my opinion. As with each of these topics, it can be applied both on and off the mat. That topic is Letting Go Of The Negative Stories We Tell Ourselves. 

In yoga, these stories may surround our abilities, our flexibility, our body, our fears or worries (i.e. that there’s no way we could even attempt a pose because what if we fall/can’t do it/etc). And certainly, we need to listen to our bodies, to our intuition. We don’t *have* to try any particular pose. There’s no reason we need to reach our toes in a seated fold, or balance perfectly in tree, or anything like that. But so often, it’s not simply that we’re accepting where we are in the moment and saying “Today, that pose isn’t going to serve me because ...I have an injury, I need something more restorative, it simply doesn’t feel right in my body at the moment,” etc. Instead, we tell ourselves things like “I’ll never be able to do that”. “I’m not flexible enough, strong enough, don’t have good enough balance.”  We have so many stories about who we are and aren’t, what we can and can’t do, that we put ourselves at a disadvantage even if we do attempt it. Instead of going in with the idea of “let me give this a go and see how it works,'' we're going in with the idea that we’re going to be “bad” at it (in quotes intentionally, since there is no bad in a pose). Or maybe it’s that we don’t go to a class at all. Maybe you’d like to try yoga, or to try a type of yoga, but you tell yourself you can’t do it, that you’ll embarrass yourself, that it’s too hard, or whatever it is, and you stop yourself before you even get in the door. A few weeks back in a post about My Yoga Story, I wrote about how I told myself for months, or maybe years, that I wouldn’t be able to do yoga because I wouldn’t be able to be in class and not talk for a whole hour (seriously!).  Whatever the story is, that’s all it is - a story. It’s not a fact. Even if you’ve tried that form of yoga or that class or that pose before, the only facts are that you had a particular experience on that particular day at that particular time. Everything interpreted and extrapolated from that is just a story. And if you’ve ever listened to a friend or family member or coworker tell a story that gets funnier/scarier/more phenomenal with each telling, you know that stories can change. 

It’s much the same way in day to day life. We tell ourselves stories. About our career/job. About our relationships. About our skills and abilities. About what we are “good” and “bad” at, about our strengths and weaknesses. And most notably, about what all of these say about us as human beings. We interpret information, form stories about ourselves, and call those stories facts. Or maybe someone else has interpreted the information and told a story and called it a fact, and they’re convincing enough, or do this often enough, that we begin to believe them. And eventually, we are told or tell ourselves these stories enough that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just as we may not try a pose in class because we’re convinced we’ll never be able to do it, and then without practice, we struggle to do the pose, the same happens in life. For example, despite being a yoga and barre and group fitness instructor, public speaking is not my favorite. I’ve always said I’m no good at it.  So I generally haven’t volunteered for things that involve public speaking. Which means I’m never going to be more comfortable with public speaking (that’s not teaching a class), and I’m always going to feel like I’m bad at public speaking. And truth is, it may be that I’m never going to be a great public speaker - we all have different skills and preferences, and I truly am an introvert that feels better behind the screen than in front of a crowd unless I’m teaching some sort of a yoga/workout class. But if I keep telling myself the story that I’m never going to be a good public speaker, chances are, I'm never going to do anything to change that perception because I’m too worried I will be bad at it, and I’ll always feel uncomfortable speaking in public. 

And of course, we are perfectly within our rights as human beings to not do something that we don’t prefer. If you just plain out don’t enjoy yoga or running or public speaking or whatever it is, unless for some reason you’re required to do it, you don’t need to force yourself to. Just like, if you really don’t want to apply for a job because it doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy, then don’t do it.  But if you aren’t doing something, be it a yoga pose or a life thing or a career thing, because you’re worried about somehow not being enough/bad at it/etc, I’d ask you to pause before committing to not doing it. Ask yourself if your reasons are actual facts or preferences, or if they’re based off of a negative story that you’re telling yourself. Because often it’s holding on to these negative stories, not actual fact or ability, that’s holding us back. 

Letting Go of Others' Expectations and Approval

As I start this post, I want to be super honest, because authenticity is a big deal to me. Letting go of others’ approval and expectation is not something I’ve mastered. At all. It’s something that I know logically and, in certain areas of my life, or on my best days, can step into more. But it is absolutely a work in progress for me, as I think it is for so many of us. 

Me with my fake “leather” jacket & hat that totally doesn’t match, because that’s how I roll.

As with all of my posts surrounding this month’s theme of Letting Go, this can apply to both yoga and life. To clarify, I’m not saying to show up to a yoga class that an instructor has thoughtfully planned out and completely do your own thing regardless of what they teach, because you are “letting go of their expectations and need for their approval”. Nor am I talking about insisting that you do something a certain way when the instructor is clearly indicating that you should not - they surely have their reasons, and it might be for your own safety/injury prevention. What I mean is, if you can’t get into every pose, if you need to modify, if you choose to rest in child’s pose for a little bit, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the class is in headstand and you’re in Child’s Pose.  And from my point of view as a teacher, let me tell you a secret - when I walk into a class to teach I don’t have any expectations, unless something has been very specifically stated in the class description. And even then, not really. I have seasoned yogis come to my beginners classes because it’s the only one they can fit in for the week. I’ve had a room full of beginners and people who have never taken a yoga class before in my mixed-level vinyasa classes. I’ve routinely had people walk into my barre class and say “I don’t really know what barre is but it sounds fun and I wanted to try it”. So please, don’t worry what I or any other instructor or other students in the class expect, because we don’t. The only expectations we have is that you’re respectful to us and to each other, and basically, that has nothing to do with yoga or barre or whatever, it’s just being a decent human being. 

Additionally, and I’ve talked about this before, is the idea of letting go of others’ expectations of you as a yoga student or teacher. You don’t have to meet certain description, body type, personality type, look, or anything to be a yogi or a yoga teacher. Obviously we do have to meet certain criteria to teach, in terms of training, study, etc, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about not having to fit some ideal profile of what people envision yoga students or teachers to be like. (You can see my post on how there’s “No right type of yogi” here.)

Off the mat, aka in life, this is a complex, multi-layered topic that I could honestly write numerous posts on and still not cover everything I’d like to say. The thing is, we’re all unique human beings. We all go through life differently. We all view the world differently. None of us were brought up in identical circumstances. We all have different talents and skills, strengths, and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Just because I’m not like you, and you’re not like that person over there, it doesn’t make one of us right, one of us wrong, and one of us….  some other label. It doesn’t make one of us good and the other bad, one of us better and the other worse. It’s different. I might be super intuitive and creative and you might be super logical and fact oriented. That’s cool. We can learn from each other. We can each grow ourselves by expanding outside our comfort zone. Or we cannot, but we can respect that the other person is not us, and therefore doesn’t have to be like us. The bottom line is, we’re never going to meet everyone’s expectations, gain everyone’s approval. And it can be really difficult to let go of this need for others’ approval, this hope to meet others’ expectations. But I often find that when we focus on what everyone else wants, we lose ourselves. At times, we can get so mired in trying to do and be what everyone else expects or approves of, that we can’t remember that it’s not actually our own goal or view or way. I’ve at times felt myself neck deep in trying to get somewhere (figuratively speaking) that when I stop and think about it, I don't really want to go. I’ve simply been told I should be there, or should want to be there, and I have taken that as fact, instead of someone else’s opinion or expectation or point of view. I’ve spent countless amounts of time and energy on an expectation that’s not even my own. 

So I encourage you instead to focus on what feels authentically you. Whether it’s on the mat or off, to focus on your own goals, your own expectations, on what feels intrinsically right to you (Note: if you don’t know this, that’s ok. Exploration and learning is all part of the process, and part of life) . It’s always ok, of course, to ask for help or suggestions or input. Working with others, talking things out, brainstorming, collaborating on ideas, and where warranted, asking for expertise or experience in an area you know you don’t have it, is also part of life. It can be fun and motivating and helpful and inspiring. And of course, we want to be considerate of others. I’m not saying to think solely of yourself. But again, that falls under the decent human being category. But at the end of the day, make sure the approval and expectations you’re focusing on are your own - and not because others have indicated that they should be, but because they really deep down feel like you at the core. And while I’m at it, don’t be so hard on yourself with that approval and those expectations, either. You’re probably much closer to where you hope to be than you give yourself credit for. 

Letting Go Of Who You Used To Be

Upavistha Konasana, or wide legged forward bend.

As we grow, age, adjust our path in life, etc, we change. Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s not. But either way, it’s more or less inevitable as we go through life. When I was 16 and competing in junior Olympic gymnastics, I could do splits (hanumanasana, in the yogi world) at angles of over 180 degrees; I could do “pancake straddles” (upavistha konasana, but with legs at nearly 180 degrees and chest flat on the floor) relatively easy. Suffice it to say that at 40 and not in competitive gymnastics, neither of these is the case any longer. In fact, I often feel like I’m about to pull my groin going into these poses, along with poses like triangle and countless others. Because my body, my life, my activity level, and the type of activities I do have changed.  And I don’t love that it hurts, because who wants to feel like they’re pulling their groin muscles on a regular basis. But I also have learned not to compare 16 year old competitive gymnast me with 40 year old “more likely to be a competitive napper” me. I’m joking about the nap thing, kind of, but the point is that my life has changed a lot, as has my body. And that’s ok. Our bodies can change for so many reasons. Or lives can too. So does how comfortable we feel in various yoga poses. And it’s all ok. It doesn’t mean we can’t make yoga goals for ourselves (like not feeling like we’re pulling a groin in triangle pose, for example). Goals are great, as long as they’re set with the right intention. But trying to force ourselves into poses that don't serve us in this stage of life (or this week or at this moment) simply because we used to be able to do them a certain way probably only makes us feel worse, physically and on the whole, than just adjusting to what works for us in the moment, and starting from there. 

It works the same way in life. There are many areas in life in which it’s easy to think of how I “used to be”. And in certain circumstances this can serve as an inspiration or motivation. For instance, if we used to feel more confident (a “used to be” that I visit in my own life often) - we know we can experience that, that we’re capable of it, and maybe that inspires us to keep building our confidence, keep focusing on our own worth, making positive changes for ourselves. But often, our “used to be”s do the opposite - they make us feel like we’re less now because things have changed. And this can become a slippery slope. As in yoga, trying to force ourselves into something we used to do or be that doesn’t work for us now can be painful, and do more harm than good. Thinking less of ourselves because we aren’t where or who or what we were in our 20s (or whatever age) simply holds us back. It keeps us in the past, instead of looking at the opportunities that we have here, at this new stage of life, and where we can go from this point forward. 

And sure, I’d like to have more energy like I used to, and not feel like I’m pulling my groin in triangle pose.  But honestly I wouldn’t want to be the same person at 40 that I was at 20, or even 30. It would mean I’m stagnating, that I’m not growing and learning and maturing and gaining new perspectives. And hands down, I’ll take growing and learning and maturing and gaining perspective over being able to do a full split or a pancake straddle or the perfect triangle pose any day.