Aparigraha - The Yama of Letting Go

The last, but certainly not least of the Yamas is Aparigraha, or non-grasping. In a nutshell, aparigraha means letting go. The timing of this post, while not intentional, seems especially key as we start a new year and new decade. So often, we cling to both our past and our future ideals, and it keeps us from being present, from enjoying the now, and even from moving forward towards our goals. 

On the mat, this could look like any number of things. It may be clinging to a certain image or standard of yoga or a yogi, and not feeling comfortable and content in your own practice because you don’t feel you meet this image. It may be clinging to the idea of what a studio or practice has to be like, or that you can’t practice unless you have x amount of time to devote to it. Instead of practicing for 10 minutes at home, you feel you can’t do yoga because you don’t have 60 minutes to get to a studio, and prevent yourself from practicing all together. Perhaps, you grasp to the way that one teacher or studio teaches, and have a difficult time allowing yourself to practice any other way. Or maybe you’re clinging to a future yoga outcome - that you won’t be an accomplished yogi unless you can do x pose (note: there’s really no such thing as an unaccomplished yogi. If you do yoga, in any form, you’ve accomplished doing yoga - therefore an accomplished yogi). For those of us that battle chronic illness, it might be that we grasp to the way our practice was before illness, or without a flare, and feeling like it’s “not good enough” when the illness progresses or flares. Aparigraha on the mat is letting go of all of this grasping, this clinging. It’s letting our practice and ourselves in our practice be where we are, right now. It’s letting go of the past images or standards, and the future outcomes, and simply being in our current practice, whatever that is. 

Off the mat, aparigraha can apply to almost anything. As in yoga, grasping often shows up as clinging to the past -often in the forms of shame, blame (ourselves or others), guilt, resentment, bitterness, and a host of other feelings. We struggle to let go of past versions of ourselves, of others. Other times, we cling to the way things were in the past, struggling to move on from a situation that no longer exists or no longer serves us. We also have the tendency to cling to the future - to an ideal outcome. We don’t feel content, feel enough, feel happy if everything isn’t happening “as it’s supposed to”. We’re so focused on some ideal or perfect outcome in the future that we don’t appreciate and enjoy life as its unfolding, and often, we may miss an opportunity or path that could greatly serve us, because we’re grasping elsewhere. Letting go of all of this grasping - of the past that isn’t any longer, of the ideal future, of the “shoulds” about ourselves and others and life - that’s aparigraha. 

Admittedly, aparigraha, or letting go, is significantly trickier in action than in concept. Often, we don’t even realize that we’re grasping, or what we’re grasping to. And to be clear, aparigraha doesn’t mean wiping the past clean, or not allowing for dreams and lofty goals. It’s perfectly human to be nostalgic about the past, or to be influenced by and learn from prior mistakes or situations. It’s motivating and inspiring to dream and set big goals for ourselves. It’s in the tight clinging, the grasping with all our might that we hinder ourselves. It’s in the believing (either consciously or subconsciously) that we can’t be happy unless things are this very specific way. It’s in the constant “shoulding” of ourselves, our life, other people, the world at large, that we prevent ourselves from being present, from being open to possibility, from finding happiness in the moment.

To give a real life example, I’ll use the recent holidays. I grew up with certain holiday traditions and ways of celebrating. I loved each and every one of them. But as we grow up, our family dynamics change  (people get married, have kids, move away, etc). We merge our traditions with those of our spouses, their families, maybe our friends, whoever we now celebrate with. And this is seriously difficult for me. As in feels almost physically painful. I’m one of those people who is so cheesily in love with everything about the holidays and the way I always celebrated, and there are times that my grasp on them is so strong it feels like I’m hanging on for dear life. And yet it’s holding me back. Time doesn’t stop, and things change, evolve. By clinging to the ways of the past that aren’t available now, I’m preventing myself from enjoying the present holiday, the time of year I love so much, and from making new traditions that I may really come to cherish. I’m standing my own way by clinging too tightly. I need to practice aparigraha, letting go, non-grasping, and allow myself to be present with what is. 

For me personally, I’ve found one way to practice aparigraha is through being curious. It allows me to honor what used to be, as well as what I hope for in the future, while still interacting with the present. When a thought, or feeling, or circumstance comes up, if I allow myself to think, I wonder what this is all about? Or I wonder what this could lead to? I’m able to explore what’s going on - in my brain, in my body, in my life - without clinging too tightly. It opens the door gently without requiring me to make any sudden or drastic moves. I don't have to suddenly drop the past or know my future - I can explore and see what happens. This could be anything from “I wonder what this new class/studio/teacher is like -I’ll give it a try and see what happens” to “I wonder where this new career opportunity could lead to” to “Maybe this will be the start of a new holiday tradition I really enjoy”. 

Aparigraha isn’t easy. We may have to delve into some deeply held beliefs about ourselves, our lives, other people, in order to understand what we’re grasping to and why, in order to let it go. But this lets us open up, grow, be present. It lets us experience the life that’s happening to us right now, instead of living in the past or the future. One of my major goals for 2020 is to get uncomfortable - not as in physical pain or doing things that aren’t serving me, but to push myself past strongly held self-limiting beliefs, which can often, at first, be extremely uncomfortable. And part of this process is aparigraha - letting go of those self-limiting beliefs, of past mistakes, of past versions of myself, and of fears about the future outcome, and to do what I need to do in the moment. 

Happy 2020! May we be able to let go of those things that no longer serve us, be present with those that do, and perhaps get a little curious along the way.