Letting Go of Others' Expectations and Approval

As I start this post, I want to be super honest, because authenticity is a big deal to me. Letting go of others’ approval and expectation is not something I’ve mastered. At all. It’s something that I know logically and, in certain areas of my life, or on my best days, can step into more. But it is absolutely a work in progress for me, as I think it is for so many of us. 

Me with my fake “leather” jacket & hat that totally doesn’t match, because that’s how I roll.

As with all of my posts surrounding this month’s theme of Letting Go, this can apply to both yoga and life. To clarify, I’m not saying to show up to a yoga class that an instructor has thoughtfully planned out and completely do your own thing regardless of what they teach, because you are “letting go of their expectations and need for their approval”. Nor am I talking about insisting that you do something a certain way when the instructor is clearly indicating that you should not - they surely have their reasons, and it might be for your own safety/injury prevention. What I mean is, if you can’t get into every pose, if you need to modify, if you choose to rest in child’s pose for a little bit, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the class is in headstand and you’re in Child’s Pose.  And from my point of view as a teacher, let me tell you a secret - when I walk into a class to teach I don’t have any expectations, unless something has been very specifically stated in the class description. And even then, not really. I have seasoned yogis come to my beginners classes because it’s the only one they can fit in for the week. I’ve had a room full of beginners and people who have never taken a yoga class before in my mixed-level vinyasa classes. I’ve routinely had people walk into my barre class and say “I don’t really know what barre is but it sounds fun and I wanted to try it”. So please, don’t worry what I or any other instructor or other students in the class expect, because we don’t. The only expectations we have is that you’re respectful to us and to each other, and basically, that has nothing to do with yoga or barre or whatever, it’s just being a decent human being. 

Additionally, and I’ve talked about this before, is the idea of letting go of others’ expectations of you as a yoga student or teacher. You don’t have to meet certain description, body type, personality type, look, or anything to be a yogi or a yoga teacher. Obviously we do have to meet certain criteria to teach, in terms of training, study, etc, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about not having to fit some ideal profile of what people envision yoga students or teachers to be like. (You can see my post on how there’s “No right type of yogi” here.)

Off the mat, aka in life, this is a complex, multi-layered topic that I could honestly write numerous posts on and still not cover everything I’d like to say. The thing is, we’re all unique human beings. We all go through life differently. We all view the world differently. None of us were brought up in identical circumstances. We all have different talents and skills, strengths, and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Just because I’m not like you, and you’re not like that person over there, it doesn’t make one of us right, one of us wrong, and one of us….  some other label. It doesn’t make one of us good and the other bad, one of us better and the other worse. It’s different. I might be super intuitive and creative and you might be super logical and fact oriented. That’s cool. We can learn from each other. We can each grow ourselves by expanding outside our comfort zone. Or we cannot, but we can respect that the other person is not us, and therefore doesn’t have to be like us. The bottom line is, we’re never going to meet everyone’s expectations, gain everyone’s approval. And it can be really difficult to let go of this need for others’ approval, this hope to meet others’ expectations. But I often find that when we focus on what everyone else wants, we lose ourselves. At times, we can get so mired in trying to do and be what everyone else expects or approves of, that we can’t remember that it’s not actually our own goal or view or way. I’ve at times felt myself neck deep in trying to get somewhere (figuratively speaking) that when I stop and think about it, I don't really want to go. I’ve simply been told I should be there, or should want to be there, and I have taken that as fact, instead of someone else’s opinion or expectation or point of view. I’ve spent countless amounts of time and energy on an expectation that’s not even my own. 

So I encourage you instead to focus on what feels authentically you. Whether it’s on the mat or off, to focus on your own goals, your own expectations, on what feels intrinsically right to you (Note: if you don’t know this, that’s ok. Exploration and learning is all part of the process, and part of life) . It’s always ok, of course, to ask for help or suggestions or input. Working with others, talking things out, brainstorming, collaborating on ideas, and where warranted, asking for expertise or experience in an area you know you don’t have it, is also part of life. It can be fun and motivating and helpful and inspiring. And of course, we want to be considerate of others. I’m not saying to think solely of yourself. But again, that falls under the decent human being category. But at the end of the day, make sure the approval and expectations you’re focusing on are your own - and not because others have indicated that they should be, but because they really deep down feel like you at the core. And while I’m at it, don’t be so hard on yourself with that approval and those expectations, either. You’re probably much closer to where you hope to be than you give yourself credit for.