2023 Year in Review

Welcome to my once-a-year blog! Ha! I’ve not had the opportunity, or to be honest the inspiration, to blog much lately. I’ve been in an in-between phase with, well, life basically, and as someone who is really driven to write by passion and what I’m feeling immersed in at the moment, the in-between stage proves to be a not super effective muse. Additionally, until about September, I was partaking in weekly Storyworth responses, which scratched the writing itch, so to speak (if you’re not familiar with Storyworth, it’s pretty cool - check it out here. I promise this isn’t sponsored). Still, this annual tradition of a “Year in Review” post is something I enjoy. Not only is it a nice way to wrap up the year, it’s good for perspective. In some instances, it helps to remind me of the positive things that happened throughout the year, which can be important if I’m struggling in other areas. In other cases, it helps me to give myself a little space, ease, and grace, reminding me of some of the really challenging and difficult moments I’ve gotten through, which can help me better process what I’m feeling and be a little less hard on myself if everything hasn’t gone exactly as I’d hoped. 

The below highlights are in no real particular order, other than trying to start on a positive note. Also, I think it’s important to mention here that there were so many little moments that might not make the blog post, but are everything in the day to day - laughs with friends, support from loved ones, family traditions, Brian and I cracking ourselves up with the life stories we make up about Grace as if she were a human, those types of things. The big moments are important for what they are of course, but without these seemingly little moments in everyday life, the time in between the big moments - which is most of life, really - would be way less meaningful and enjoyable. 

House Guests

In February 2023, our good friend from Colorado came out to the area and stayed with us for about nine days. He was our first overnight house guest in this house, despite us having lived here for almost two years at that point, and it was great to have him here. It was a super low key visit, which is exactly what we all wanted. We ordered take out, frequented our favorite local coffee shop, went to get Mr. Softee (an ice cream stand) in our pajamas, which everyone knows is really the only appropriate way to go to Mr. Softee. He and my husband took some day trips (I had to work), and really, just got to spend quality time together. There was a ton of great convo, silly antics, and laughs, which is exactly what spending time with those close to you should be. 

The weekend before Fourth of July, couple friends of ours who had been living in Massachusetts for the past couple of years (but originally from this general area) came to visit. We’re all big into games, so we played some board games, went to the game store, went to a local arcade. We had a pool day at our house, nice meals out and good take out, and just got to enjoy catching up in person and all spending time together. It was so nice to get to spend the holiday weekend in a fun and relaxed way with close friends. No pressure for big parties or gatherings, late nights out, anything extravagant, which is exactly my kind of holiday weekend! 

Vacation/Travel

After three plus years of staying mostly local, doing staycation and the occasional weekend road trip, we took TWO vacations this year! The first was our trip to Maine in May. It’s the only state on the East Coast that I hadn't been to, and also one of the US States I’ve most wanted to visit. It exceeded expectations. We rented a VRBO on the Schoodic peninsula, and it was perfect. Completely not touristy, surrounded by nature, quintessential Maine. We ventured around the Schoodic, into Acadia National Park, walked around Bar Harbor, found our favorite local spots to eat in the small nearby town of Winter Harbor, explored the cute town of Ellsworth where we had Sri Lankan food for the first time, visited some historical sites, went out into Bangor for an afternoon. On the way up, we also got to see some friends from Maine that we haven’t seen since pre-pandemic, which was so much fun. Everything about the trip was fantastic. It gave Brian and I time to really connect without the day to day obligations of work and home and groceries and chores and all of those normal life things that tend to fill up the time without you even realizing it. For me, my pull to nature increased tenfold. I was drawn toward the idea of rewilding,and it’s had some lasting impact on my life - I’ve been diving into connecting with the elements, the lunar cycle, seasonality, and more, and I love exploring this. 

Brian and I on the Schoodic Pensinsula in Maine

The second trip was to Denver for the wedding of my friend Bri (also a Brian but that’s confusing and I’ve always called him Bri), who is one of my absolute best friends and favorite people on this planet. We also got to visit the first house guest friend mentioned above and his family, who live in the Denver area as well.  The flight to Denver was our first flight since 2018!! In 2019 our vacation was a road trip to New England, and then 2020 happened and we know how that played out. We hadn’t felt comfortable being on a plane until quite recently. Plus with all of the IVF stuff over the past few years (more on that to come) we really couldn’t be a plane ride away from the fertility clinic. But we got our Covid boosters and I masked up and we went to Denver and it was amazing! I forgot how much I loved the mountains and the area in general. It was wonderful to see everyone, and my happiness level at being able to share in my friend’s wedding is something that still nearly chokes me up as I write this. 

we Clean Up Ok! At my Friend’s wedding in Colorado.

Health Stuff

Super descriptive writer-y subheading, right? Some of this isn’t mine to share, and so I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say there were multiple scares we were not expecting in both my nuclear and extended family, and they were some doozies. Everyone is on the mend-ish, but whew. 

As for me, I learned that I have trauma-induced arthritis in my left big toe (high five for my 3rd type of arthritis!). I've been having pretty severe pain in my toe, to the point that I can’t really bend it since, February of 2022 (yep, not this year, last year!). I’ve gone to numerous doctors during that time, and it wasn’t until I went to a reconstructive orthopedist in November that anyone confirmed that I had, at some point, broken my big toe. It’s healed now, but in the meantime, because of how it healed, I developed what he called trauma-triggered arthritis in the knuckle of my big toe. He did another cortisone injection (the podiatrist did one last year that didn’t work at all). If the injection doesn’t work, he said the only other option would be to fuse the knuckle of my big toe. This is obviously not ideal, and I’m going to do everything I can to prevent this, which I’ll admit probably means just dealing with the pain until it gets bad enough that I can’t. I go back on January 4th for a check up. I was supposed to go back last week, but got hit with a terrible migraine attack. 

Which brings me to, migraine attacks. I’ve had migraine for years - since I was a teenager. The frequency ebbs and flows, but it’s rarely more than once a month. About 12 years ago, I had episodes where the left side of my face and my left arm would get weak and heavy with the flare. I got increased dizziness and disorientation, even moreso than usual. I went to numerous doctors including a neurologist. I had a brain MRI, bloodwork, EKG, the works. They found nothing. It’s thought that I likely experience a “mild” form of hemiplegic migraine. I say mild because hemiplegic migraine can mimic a stroke, with symptoms like slurred speech, and mine don’t get quite that intense, at least so far. But it’s far from mild feeling when it’s occurring. I seem to get them in clusters of time, and haven’t had one for years. This month though, my migraine attack frequency has increased, among them an attack that feels like the hemiplegic type. In addition the presentation of the attacks has changed a bit. I’m getting increasing GI symptoms during and after the attack, and while previously I’d usually have some indicator a few days before, like a mild “sour stomach", they’ve been hitting out of almost nowhere. I’ll have what feels like a mild sinus headache, and then bam, searing pain that moves to just over my left eye and radiates down my face, disorientation and dizziness, weakness, nausea, vision trouble, light sensitivities (which I also previously never had) all within a matter of minutes, followed by GI pain and cramping. I have an appointment with my GP on Friday so we’ll see how that goes - it’s been a long time since I’ve been to a headache specialist and I have an HMO so need a referral anyway, which means GP is the first stop. I’ll likely not get answers on Friday, but fingers crossed I can get guidance on next steps. 

An End of a Yoga Era

Ok, so maybe four years doesn’t constitute an era, but it kind of feels like it. Shortly after I got my Yoga Teacher certification, I began a yoga benefit class. It was sponsored by my mom’s firm, and it benefited the organization Kids’ Chance of NJ (great organization, check them out!). It was a weekly all-levels flow class held at my mom’s firm on Tuesday evenings. When the pandemic hit, we moved it virtual, and it’s been virtual ever since. At the end of this month, my mom is retiring (yay, congrats!!) and as she’s been essentially our liaison with both the firm and the organization, the partnership with Kids’ Chance will come to an end. Both the firm and the organization have been amazing partners. The class was my first regular yoga class after graduating YTT, and I’m so grateful and honored that they trusted me to begin this benefit yoga program, and for everyone that participated and worked to make it happen/sustain it. Over the past four plus years, we’ve been able to practice yoga together (or virtually together) and raise money for a wonderful organization, and that means so much to me. I held my last official Yoga to Benefit Kids’ Chance earlier in the month. I’ll still continue to teach my Tuesday yoga class, but it’s in an in-between stage right now. I’m looking into other potential local organizations to partner with, and also just taking the opportunity to step back and see what the best path might be for this class moving forward. Shameless self plug, I’ll have my January schedule up soon, and you can sign up for classes here (they’re still all virtual). 

Grace “Doing Yoga” is way cuter than me doing yoga so here you go.

Self Worth & Healing Work 

This could probably just have a permanent place of honor in my year end review posts. I’m continually working on my self worth and my own healing. This year though, I took a new step. I was introduced by someone close to me to a program called To Be Magnetic (again, not sponsored, just giving acknowledgement where it’s due). I’ll be transparent in saying that it took me a while to sign up, because the word “manifestation” in the description got me. The word brings to mind, as it likely does for many, lots of toxic positivity vibes. But what this program is really about is healing. It’s getting back to your authentic self, the self you’d be without all of the societal programming and everyone else’s “shoulds”, to who you truly are at your core- something I’ve been struggling with for quite a while.  It’s about understanding where you’re blocking yourself, essentially getting in your own way, and where you’re acting from feelings like hurt and shame and fear and low self worth, instead of your authentic self. I recognize a lot of crossover between the TBM work and my work with my therapist, who I’ve been going to for over 15 years, and it all really feels so intrinsically “right”, for lack of a better word. In December, they had a 6-week challenge that I just completed, and I’m starting to notice subtle shifts. That’s the thing that I actually really love about this program. It’s not telling you to drop everything and quit the job that pays your bills and puts food on the table without a plan.  It’s all about small changes within the self and how we interact in the world that add up to bigger changes over time. I should add here, because this was also a big concern for me before signing up, that the program acknowledges things like systemic oppression, racism, discrimination, and so many other factors that often get ignored due to privilege. It’s not claiming that you can overcome things like these by “thinking positively” - there’s actually no “thinking positively” involved at all. 

The reason I’m going on and on about this program is that it has given me something that I feel I can do daily or semi-daily in which I’m actively making progress in my self worth and in feeling authentically like myself. As much as I love my therapy sessions, I often feel like I’m in a rut in between them. Anyone that knows me knows that I’m great at the big picture/long range dream, and I’m good at getting organized and doing the things that I have to do daily. It’s that middle ground, that figuring out what I have to do daily, that is tricky for me. And this gives me guidance. I’m excited to see how I continue to grow as I continue this program into 2024. 

IVF

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably surprised that this has yet to be mentioned. This past year or so, we have been in kind of a holding pattern. We ran into some unexpected issues this time last year and had to address those before knowing how we could continue. A few weeks ago, we finally got cleared to move forward. We had a telehealth visit with our RE about next steps. We just have to do our annual blood work since it’s been over a year since we did it and assuming nothing out of the ordinary - which is a big assumption in this process because it feels like there’s always something tripping us up -  we’ll be able to move forward and I can start my prep. I’m cautiously hopeful. At this point in the journey, thinking “here we go I’ll be pregnant in no time” would be naive and quite likely set me up for disappointment. But I do have some hope. Part of it’s my knowledge of the process, part of it’s my nature. Once we (fingers crossed) get past the bloodwork part, we’ll be at a point we have never gotten to before, and that alone feels hopeful. We have a great support network, between family and friends and loved ones, and I’m part of an infertility support group that has helped me get through this past year of limbo. I’ve put this update last because I wanted to end on this note. While I try not to let infertility define me/us/life, it has been the elephant in the room for the past few years. While obviously I’d love to have more definitive, overtly exciting news on this front, I’ll take the cautious hopefulness where I can get this. 

I’m moving into 2024 with the idea of slow and steady. I spent years in my 20s and 30s making massive changes and actions, everything feeling larger than life. I was super busy, always on the go, involved in everything. And at the time, I think that’s what I needed. It helped to get me here. But now, in my (gulp) mid-40s, that’s not what I’m craving, and I don’t think it’s what I need. That doesn’t mean I want to just sit on the couch with a book for days (ok, sometimes I do), but it means I’m giving myself more space, softness, ease, and grace (not to be confused with Grace, already quite present!). I recognize that instead of bold and overt, I want to cultivate a quiet confidence and self-worth. Rather than making huge leaps, I’m loving seeing steady progress - though obviously in some things, like fertility treatment, you’re going for the huge leaps aka it working, since that’s the whole point. I still love exploring and discovering, and don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy an occasional adrenaline rush. But what I’m more and more drawn to is discovering the beauty, harmony, and magic in life, in people, in the universe. I’m looking forward to approaching 2024 through this new lens, and seeing where it takes me. 

2022 Year in Review

Hi all, been a while since I’ve written - almost a year in fact! I haven’t done much blogging lately, but I wanted to continue the tradition of my year in review. If I’m honest, this year was extremely difficult for me, for numerous reasons. In a world that’s gone back to “normal” while I haven’t, I feel left behind and out of touch. I realize that this is my choice, but when you truly feel like you’re doing the right thing for your situation and it leads to feeling forgotten and alone, it hurts. In a world full of friends and loved ones having babies and announcing pregnancies and me having had my fifth failed round of IVF in August, I feel both genuinely happy for them and also even more isolated - physically, mentally, emotionally - myself. I debated not writing this at all, because I felt like a lot of it was going to be me talking about my struggles that people have doubtless already heard about. But that’s part of life. Infertility is part of my life just like chronic illness, like my mental health conditions. It’s as much a part of my life as my hobbies and (pre-covid) travels and house and yoga classes and everything else… maybe even more so because it’s connected to my actual body, and it’s not something I can alter my part in, the way I altered travel plans or shifted my yoga classes online when the pandemic hit. I also know that, despite what an extremely discouraging year it was in some aspects, there was some good, and I do want to celebrate that. Not in a “look on the bright side” toxic positivity sort of way, but because I believe in the both/and. Life and humans are complex, and it’s completely legit to have simultaneously conflicting emotions and experiences. These posts also help me to look back over the years, and see the change and growth, to remember enjoyable experiences I maybe forgot about, and to see how I’ve grown through the challenges. 

IVF/Fertility Treatment

Note: there’s some decent detail about our fertility journey here. If you’d rather not read that, or if it may be triggering, please feel free to skip this section.

Might as well address the 10 ton elephant in the room first. I went into January 2022 not 100 percent optimistic, but feeling decently. In late summer/fall of 2021, I’d done two rounds of IVF, with two different protocols. The second protocol wasn’t successful, but seemed to work better in that we did get more eggs and one embryo, even though ultimately that embryo wasn’t viable, so it seemed like we had our protocol moving forward. I was starting some additional supplements (on doctor’s orders) that were supposed to help egg quantity and quality, and I thought round three might be better. We did get more eggs, but only one embryo, and that wasn’t viable. Round four was abysmal in every way. I bruised badly, I barely stimmed, the retrieval triggered a migraine flare so that instead of getting a nice 20-minute anesthesia nap followed by a day relaxing watching cheesy hallmark movies, I went under anesthesia feeling like my throat was closing up, and the rest of the day was spent horizontal because I vomited if I was in any other position. After round four, we took a little break, and did a nice staycation (see later points). We rejuvenated ourselves and decided to go in for round five. Despite all of the above, I had hope for round five. They adjusted my protocol slightly. I saw the results. It wasn’t the most eggs I’ve gotten but definitely the best follicles. All of the eggs fertilized and two - TWO!, which was unheard of for me - made it to the blastocyst stage. I was absolutely ecstatic. Until we got the results. Neither was viable. That was August. This fall, it’s been a roller coaster. It seems every time we think things look to be going better, we hit another roadblock. It’s been extremely emotional. Some days I hold it together well, I laugh, I enjoy activities. Other days, I break down in tears on the phone with the fertility center….or sipping my coffee,  journaling, or driving, or just existing. I wish I had a nice little bow to wrap up this section, but I don’t. We’re still hopeful. We still have a plan. We aren’t giving up by any means. But we don’t have answers either, so right now, this is a “to be continued…” 

Work

I’m going to say something that I never thought I’d say about working for a company that I didn’t own: the absolutely bright spot of my year has been work. It started out a little uncertain. The department that my team was under was moved to a new division of the company, but my specific team stayed in the division we were in. This meant that my teammate and I got moved under a new director who was staying under our current division, while everyone else on our team, including our manager, got moved to the new division. I didn’t know the new team well, and I admittedly was a bit nervous, since I had only been at the company just over a year and was just feeling like I was settled into the current team. Shortly after our team transitioned, my new manager, who is actually the director of the larger team, told me that they were creating a new Supervisor position for my team, and encouraged me to apply. Long story short, I did apply, went through several rounds of interviews, and I got the supervisor role! I don’t honestly know if anyone else applied to it or not, but I don’t feel it was given to me simply for lack of options. I feel like I was a good fit for the role, and it provided me with an opportunity to take the next step in my career path as a company. I’m now about 10 months into that role - I started 2/28 - and I have learned and grown so much because of it. I’ve gotten to grow the team I oversee, to have more interaction with other areas of our larger team, to be part of the leadership team (comprised of my boss/our director, myself, a senior manager, and a manager within our department), to help guide and grow Inbound Logistics as a whole. I’m absolutely loving it, and I am genuinely looking forward to continuing to grow in my role, team, and company. 

In addition to my new team and role, my company introduced several Associate Resource Groups (ARGs) this year as part of our DEI development, and I joined the Advocates & Allies ARG. Anyone that knows me even a tiny bit knows how important advocacy work is to me, and being able to partake in this group is truly exciting. I’m also grateful to be part of a company that genuinely prioritizes DEI work, advocacy, and allyship.  The ARG I’ve joined is still in the beginning stages, and I’m looking forward to delving into it more in the coming year.

We also started going back into the office occasionally. Starting this summer, it was voluntary to come into the office on Wednesdays each week, but not required to ever be in. Myself and my boss and one or two others regularly went in most Wednesdays. In October, the schedule changed so that we have to be in twice a month. We have set Wednesdays throughout the month , and our whole team comes in. It’s still not a ton of people and there’s a lot of empty space, which is nice for both the introvert in me as well as the covid anxiety in me. To be clear, I’m still a strong proponent of work from home, and absolutely believe in always having that option because it is really the only way to provide true equity for certain communities, such as the chronically ill community.  It's my preference most of the time. But I have been pretty isolated and don’t leave the house a ton, so it’s been nice to break up the routine, to actually drive and listen to music, and it’s good to meet my colleagues in person, because it feels like we get to connect in a different way. I’m always masked in the office,  I eat my lunches in my car, and I surreptitiously inch my mask up to sip coffee at my desk, which is in a cubicle surrounded on most sides by extra plexi glass for additional protection. If I ran the world, there would definitely be rules and guidelines I’d require for in-person office days while Covid is still a thing. But since I don’t run the world, I do my best to feel safe while also getting the experience of being in the office with my coworkers on occasion and breaking up my routine, which has become pretty sedentary and …well… routine. 

Staycation 

It’s been four and a half years since I’ve traveled internationally (Spain family trip, summer 2018) and just over three years since I’ve done a domestic vacation (New England Road Trip late November 2019). Besides seeing friends and family as much, travel is the thing I miss the absolute most since the pandemic started. I’m ok without dining out. I miss live music, but honestly I don’t know if I could go to a packed concert anymore, especially indoors - not just because of covid but because my feelings about large, packed group events have changed in general. I’m definitely ok with primarily working from home. I miss teaching and taking yoga in person, but I do enjoy my online classes, and it’s allowed me to practice with people from all over, instead of just nearby. But not being able to travel feels like missing an intrinsic piece of myself. I feel the most authentically me, the most free, the most like everything is going to be ok,  when I’m traveling (other than the actual flight part because I don’t love flying). It’s like the ability to explore and adventure, to wander the streets where nobody knows you and can hold you to some preconceived idea of yourself or judge you by your past, where you can be whoever you want to be, allows my best and truest self to emerge. In summer of 2022 I had the opportunity to go to my family’s timeshare, along with several family members, in Mexico. I didn’t take that option. Primarily because of covid, but also because we couldn’t get our dog into her ‘camp’ that she goes to while we’re away because it was booked. So instead, my husband and I took a staycation. I’ve never done a staycation, and for obvious reasons it wasn’t the same as, say, the two week trip we did to Greece, or a luxury safari in Kenya and Tanzania like we’ve done in the past. But it was wonderful. We planned out day trips and activities. We took one day to hang out by our pool. We did an excursion with our dog Grace. We dined outdoors. We made rudimentary plans, but allowed ourselves to go with the flow within those generic plans, which is something we don’t often do. I thought I was going to be tempted to check my work email or do chores or take care of things around the house because we were home each morning and night, unlike a destination vacation.  But after the first day or two of “this feels weird, I’m shirking basically all responsibility other than taking care of the dog”, that impulse went away, and it felt great! I never understood staycations before, but I do now. I’m not saying I’d choose it over traveling if covid wasn’t a thing (and if I could get my dog into her camp), but it definitely felt like a vacation, despite our home base being, well, home. 

House Updates

Owning a 100+ year old home is like the gift that keeps on giving, if that gift included both anticipated and unexpected issues that cost tons of money. All kidding aside, we love our house - it truly feels like home.  We have been continually having work and updates done, some of which were planned and some not so much, essentially since we moved in. This past year, we got the remainder of our rooms painted (by professionals, not ourselves), and the remainder of the new windows we’d ordered installed. We had a lot of new plumbing work (not planned), including our upstairs shower re-done by necessity, since they had to take the floor and part of the wall out due to said plumbing work. We got our fence variance, which allowed us to move the fence significantly closer to the edge of the property line, giving us much more usable space in our backyard. It’s been a game changer, especially for Grace, who now has about triple the space to run around. As part of that fence variance, we had to do landscaping along the fence within a year, so we had landscapers come out to dig up and mulch the area, plant arborvitae, drift roses, hydrangeas, and ornamental grasses. It’s a massive improvement. And finally, one of our front pillars fell down. Like something out of a dramatic movie scene. One minute it was there, the next minute it was a pile of rubble on the front porch (ahem… still is a pile of rubble on the front porch because we haven’t gotten it cleaned up yet). But we got composite pillars and had them both installed. They still need some paint work, but they’re in, and our entryway roof isn’t going to collapse, so that’s a good thing. The house is continuing to come together, and I honestly can’t imagine living anywhere else. Even on the days when things happen like our front pillar crashing onto our porch, I’m so grateful that we have this home. 

Yoga 

I wish I could say that my online yoga business is taking off and I’m getting tons of new students and adding a bunch of classes, but authenticity is always my thing, so I can’t say that this is the case. As studios have reopened and dropped mask requirements, people are practicing more in person. My class numbers haven’t grown, in fact they’ve shrunk from the “early stages of the pandemic” numbers, but I still have a steady group that comes to my Tuesday benefit class, as well as my pop-ups, especially on Sundays. My groups may be small, but they’re dedicated and loyal, and that means the world to me, and I’m so grateful. They spread the word, inviting friends and family members who occasionally join. I couldn’t ask for a better group to share practice with. I’d love to grow my yoga offerings, to get further into more limbs of yoga in addition to asana - maybe online workshops or retreats, that at some point in the who-knows-when future I’ll eventually feel comfortable doing in person. Maybe I’ll explore that in 2023, we’ll see. I’m also taking an online Yin Yoga course (and have done a lot of reading/work on Yin Yoga in addition) to further my knowledge of this branch of yoga. I’ve signed up for an online Restorative Yoga course as well. I’d love to be able to take these in person, but I’m just not there yet, and at this stage of my life, as my time gets pulled between work and home and fertility treatment, the online courses give me the flexibility that works for me. They by no means make me an expert in these areas (nor does my 200 hour in person training make me an expert in yoga), but they give me the confidence to better approach these types of classes, and they deepen my own knowledge, even if just to have that knowledge for myself. In addition, it’s really helped me shift my perspective. As a former gymnast, I’ve always been that student that can’t wait to get into an inversion or arm balance - not because I think you need to do these to “do yoga”, but because I personally enjoy these. And I still enjoy these, though I have less chance to practice them these days. But focusing more on Yin, bringing those elements more into my practices and classes, has allowed me to slow down, to focus not so much on the physical aspects of the poses, but on the deeper aspects - the stillness, the quiet, the opportunity to get beyond just the physical asana into something deeper. It’s tough to be deep when you’re trying to balance yourself upside down in a handstand - or at least it is for me. Yin has brought a balance to my practice that I’m starting to see in my life as well, and I’m really intrigued and interested to explore that balance further, as I continue to grow my yin education and practice, and delve into Restorative as well.

Writing

For my birthday, my parents got me a subscription to Storyworth. Essentially, it helps you tell the story of you. Every week for a year, it sends a question about yourself, your life, etc.. You write a reply and add it to the Storyworth site. When the year is up, you receive a hardcover book with all of your stories. You have the option to skip/swap out a question, and while they send you a prompt every week, there’s no timeline per se, other than that you answer them all in the year. Meaning that you don’t have to answer one question to get the next. So if you wanted to sit down the last week of the year and answer all 52, I suppose you could. I try to get most answers written within the week, but some weeks I have to push it to the following (like I may this week with the holiday). This has really gotten me back into more weekly writing, and I love that. I journal daily, but I haven’t been blogging like I used to. I just haven’t really felt all that inspired, and combine that with all of the time I spend on the computer for work, I’ve been shying away from blogging in my free time. But with Storyworth, I don’t have to feel “inspired’ per se - I don’t have to come up with the content, they do. And it’s a whole range of questions that I may not have thought to write about. Some more serious, some more light-hearted. I’m loving it. It feels really good to write again regularly, and it’s a great creative outlet for me - something that I’ve felt lacking over the past couple of years. 

I think that sums up the bigger aspects of 2022 for me. There have been lots of smaller things in between. I’ve gotten to visit with several friends (either outdoors or indoors masked) that I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic, which was great. I’ve also been more in contact this year with several friends who are also still limiting activity due to covid, and have been feeling similar isolation and loneliness as I’ve been. It’s been really nice growing these friendships and deepening those connections. My husband and I have done some day trips, in addition to our staycation. We’ve been slowly exploring record stores in the area and building our record collection. We spent a lot of time grilling (ok that’s mostly him, I just provided company) this summer, and enjoyed our pool. As the weather has turned colder, we’ve enjoyed our fireplaces. We’ve laughed a ton, even though this year has held some really disappointing and emotionally painful moments.  It’s been a year with a few big events and a lot of waiting (and anxiety) in between, and trying to make the best of some really difficult situations. 

Finding The (Personal) Balance In 2022

First off, in case you thought this was about balance poses in yoga, I want to clarify that it’s not. It’s about finding my own personal balance, particularly as it obtains to personal growth and development, and where I chose to focus my energies in that regard. Just wanted to clear that up, since I do sometimes post about yoga on this blog!  

On 2018 and 2019, and even through much of 2020, I was highly focused on, for lack of a better phrase, personal development and growth. To be clear, as someone who's been in therapy regularly for the past nearly fifteen years, I'm always focused on my personal development and growth, particularly as it relates to my cyclothymia, anxiety, and the effects of these on my being (low self-esteem, self worth, self confidence, to name just a few). But for those few years, I was focusing on it even more - or at least I felt like I was. I listened to podcasts, read books, joined groups, participated in online workshops. And I think it did help me understand certain tendencies and aspects of my personality better, as well as those of others, which I think can be incredibly helpful when it comes to improving your relationships and connections with others. Then, in 2021, I was fresh into a new job, I bought a house and moved states, and I started IVF treatment, and my focus shifted. Life became much more functional - learning my new job and getting settled into my new company, all the things related to buying the house and selling the condo, all things related to fixing up the house (electrical overhaul, roof repairs, plumbing repairs, new pool filter, etc), and then IVF treatment, in which my schedule is planned around injections and bloodwork and pelvic ultrasounds. So my focus on personal development turned more solitary. I spent more time in meditation and prayer, journaling, mindful movement, in trying to connect with myself and something greater than myself (God/divine/universe/nature). I dug in deeper with my therapist. I felt the shift in my life keenly, and it was both encouraging and lonely. 

When I look back at a lot of the growth and development work I was doing in 2018-2020, I realize it wasn't fully internal work. It was done with more external goals in mind - much of the work I was doing was geared towards entrepreneurs and business building, since I still was running Chimera Travel along with my day job. Then, once I started teaching yoga and barre classes, in the back of my mind it was always "ok maybe *this* is the thing that will bring me back more fully entrepreneurship. Or maybe it's this and travel planning."  I was doing personal development work, but without realizing it, I was doing it to achieve something outside of myself. And don't get me wrong, I think that doing the internal work so that you're a better partner, parent, friend, coworker, employee, business owner, member of society is important. But you can't skip the step where you first make the inward shift. It began to feel inauthentic, not really "me", unfulfilling. In 2021, when that focus moved internally, I felt way more authentic. But I also felt like something was missing. I felt like I went from thinking about the future to only focusing on what was right in front of my face, and I felt a serious lack of passion, excitement, and hope. To be clear, I understand, particularly as a yoga teacher and practitioner, that the only moment we actually have is the present, and that a lot of anxiety can come about from thinking about the future. But I also know myself. The intuitive part of my INFJ personality thrives on having plans, goals, dreams. I literally was a full time professional planner for over a decade. Having something in the future to look forward to, think about, focus on helps to energize me. Whether it's my business or my travel or someone else's travel or my plans for the weekend or the next hike I want to go on, having that thing to look forward to is important to me. And especially in the second year of a pandemic where it so much can't be planned, I felt the loss of looking to the future even more keenly. 

As we enter 2022, my focus has been on merging these two approaches. I want to continue my commitment to my inward focus- particularly my connection to myself and to something greater than myself. But I also want to mindfully, intentionally bring back in some external resources as well. By mindfully and intentionally, I mean that instead of grasping at anything labeled "personal development", I plan to selectively choose books, talks, other resources that focus on the internal connection for the purpose of truly understanding and loving myself better, not as a means to an end to something external. That's not to say that I don't care how my actions, behaviors, etc affect other people, or that I don't care about my connection with others - I do, almost to a fault at times. But I know that I have to do the work from the inside out, that if my focus in doing anything is solely "how does this lead to/affect (insert external situation)", that it won't feel authentic, and it could even lead to feelings of resentment (i.e. I'm doing all of this and I still didn't get this external result I wanted!). 

This past weekend, several family members and I did a virtual vision board creation get together. I also, for the first time ever, chose a theme word - and two supporting words - for the year. In choosing my words, I purposely chose ones that remind me to recommit to myself, words that are softer, gentler, loving and supportive, to counteract how I so often speak to myself when depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-worth do their thing. As I move through 2022, I'm looking forward to using this vision board,  theme words, my carefully selected resources, and some favorite internal tools and habits to find the balance of inward focus and authenticity that I've come to love, and the passion I felt missing in 2021. 

2021 - A Year In Review

 The past few of yeas, I've tried to do a year in review post - a look back on the past year. In 2020, this felt especially tricky, seeing as nobody (including myself) actually did anything. To be honest, 2021 felt a lot of the same. If anything, 2021 feels a bit more isolating for me, because the "we're all in this together" has vanished, and I'm feeling the disconnect more keenly. But still, 2021 has personally been a pretty eventful year, especially for a year in which I'm still not really doing much. 

Work

I started the year in a new job - technically I started Dec 7, 2020, but I  was basically still in training until 2021. In the past year, I've grown in the roll and responsibilities, now training vendors on the same system I was still learning a year ago. I've taken on special projects and feel like I've learned so much in such a short time. We were supposed to go back to the office in May, which turned into hybrid office/work from home in September, which turned into February, which we now just found out will be April 2022 at the earliest. I won't lie, I've been desperately missing the days of running my own business, of having my storefront, but if I'm going to work for a company that's not mine,  I'm so grateful to work for a company that truly is putting its employees first. 

Home office/yoga room. Grace helps with both.

Home

On April 30th, we closed on a house in Merchantville, NJ. It's a single family house built in 1918, with all the charm of a century plus old home but the upgrades of a modern home (though we've had our share of upgrades in terms of things like electric and plumbing).  It has a yard, an in ground pool, and tons of natural light, and  is a mile and a half from where I grew up. I have my office/yoga room in the sunroom, which I absolutely love. We sold our condo in Philly and while it was bittersweet to leave the city, knowing it will likely be the last time I live there, I absolutely love our new home and community. I wouldn't change it - this is where I want to be at this point in my life.

My husband and I in front of our new home just after closing.

Chronic Illness

In February I got what I  initially thought was a cyst in my wist. Within a couple of days I realized that it was exponentially swelling and getting hot and red and was most likely not a cyst, but an infection. I got into a hand specialist quickly, and he thought it was likely a one-off infection as well. As a precaution, to rule out a fracture or growth, he did an x-ray. The x-ray revealed that the tissue in my hand was calcifying, and I got diagnosed with a condition called Calcium Pyrophosphate Deposition Disease (CPPD). CPPD was formerly known as Pseudogout, because the symptoms mimic gout, but without the uric acid issue. There's not a ton known about CPPD. I asked my specialist if it was autoimmune like Rheumatoid Arthritis or more of a "wear and tear" type of arthritis like Osteoarthritis (which I also have) and he said they don't really know. I don't know if the infection activated  CPPD somehow, or if it just caused the existing condition to flare and it was because of the infection that I sought treatment and discovered the CPPD. Either way, I now have two forms of arthritis , but I'm lucky that it hasn't really flared since. 

Heading into an egg retrieval.

IVF

Perhaps the biggest event this year (yes, bigger than buying and selling a house and moving back to New Jersey) is that we started IVF treatment. For those who don't know, we've been trying to conceive for over three years. My being 42 (41 when we started), we were put straight into IVF, after initial tests showing no obvious issues of why we haven't been able to conceive. We've gone through two rounds of egg retrieval, but haven't yet made it to point at which we can do a transfer. We had a break after our last round, due to the lab closing for two weeks in mid-December (so they couldn't start any new IVF rounds), but I go for my next bloodwork on 12/28, and if all looks good, we'll start another round in early January. IVF is... a lot. It's a lot on the body (injections in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, blood work and pelvic ultrasound every couple of days, all the hormones), and it's a lot on the mind and heart. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and exciting at the same time. Each round is another chance that it could work, that this could be the round where you make it to the transfer, where that transfer sticks, where you finally are pregnant, where your dreams of becoming parents are finally realized. At the same time, you know the statistics, the history, the disappointment that each previous round has brought. It's intense in every way possible, and at times, feels all consuming - especially in a pandemic when you don't have the usual activities and visits and such to serve as a distraction while you await the next test results, the next steps, or when you get the news you hoped you wouldn't. Plus, of course there's all the hormones, having to inject yourself in the belly and thigh multiple times a day, your schedule having to work around those because they're time sensitive. There's the fact that for the 10 days leading up to retrieval and two weeks afterwords, I can't work out or do yoga, two activities that usually help my anxiety and depression when I'm struggling, which means I've had to be creative with my healthy coping strategies. But even with all of this, I also realize I'm privileged to even have the chance to go through this - so many do not.  Also, a big shout out to my husband who goes to every single appointment with me, including the ones where I had to be in Philly at 6:45 AM for something basic like bloodwork. Nearly always, he's the only partner there. But he knows how I will panic if I can't find parking and am running late or if, completely hypothetical of course, the elevator shuts down while I'm on it and I burst into terrified tears on the way to my appointment in front of strangers. Also, he's excellent at assisting me with the trigger shots, and let me tell you, when you have a several inch long needle going into your butt cheek, it's a godsend to have someone who knows what they're doing and doesn't balk at doing it.

Holidays

For the past 5 plus years, we've lived in a condo, so while we had lights up around our bedroom and deck (which stayed up all year to be honest) and an artificial Christmas tree (which, embarrassingly, also stayed up all year one year), we didn't get to do the live tree, outdoor lights (minus the deck) thing, nor did we get to hand out halloween candy or have people over for a BBQ for summer holidays, nothing like that. In May, we moved into our house. We were still cautious around others, but the outdoor space gave us room to more safely see people. For Father's Day, my younger brother and his family came into town, and we had them and my parents over to the pool. It was an absolute blast. It felt like being on one of our family vacations (because there's always been a pool) albeit in NJ, and at our own home. But still, so much fun. On labor day, weekend we had my parents over for a fire pit in the backyard and dinner. Nothing huge, but still, the ability to "host" a get together in our own home. 

Halloween in my town is HUGE. The town I live in is called Merchantville, but every October, they turn it into Monsterville - literally, they put something up over the "Welcome To" sign to change it to "Monsterville". The stores have a halloween decorating contest, homes are done up like haunted houses. And Halloween itself... it's unreal. We set up a table out front (and were masked the whole time) and had kids lined up down the block for a solid 3 hours before we finally ran out of candy. It's not an exaggeration to say we probably saw over 300 kids, and that was before we had to "close up shop" because we ran out two hours before trick or treating ended. If we'd had enough, I imagine we would have had probably 500 trick or treaters. Not only that, but everyone is dressed up. I mean everyone. The parents, the kids, dogs, some people handing out candy. One person just kept driving around the block for probably a solid hour, playing "scary" music for ambiance. I've never seen anything like it. We actually took notes on how we need to plan and up our Halloween game for next year. 

On Thanksgiving my brother's family came into town, and while we celebrated at my parents' house for most of the day, my husband and I hosted dessert. Well, we provided the venue anyway - my dad made all of the pies. But we had everyone over, and we hung out in our upstairs family room watching football, enjoying the fireplace, eating dessert. 

And most recently, Christmas. We got a real tree! In fact, we have two trees up - the real one and the artificial one that we had from the condo. We also have a 9-foot artificial tree that we bought from the people that sold us the house for a steal, because it wouldn't fit in their new house. We didn't put that up, since we felt three trees was ambitious for our first year in the house. We decorated the front porch with lights and got a light up wreath (artificial) for the front door. We got decorated various rooms in the house. It was so much fun. 

We didn’t get a lot of pics of us in the pool, so enjoy another pic of Grace.

Family

n 2020, my family was supposed to take our biannual (every other year, not twice a year) family vacation. That means my parents, all five of us siblings, spouses, and all of my siblings kids'. There are 20 of us in total. We had luxury cabins booked outside of Sedona for a week - at least I think it was a week, honestly it seems like a lifetime ago - and then were going to head to Scottsdale area to one giant house (our usual family vacation style) for the last  two or three nights of the trip. With us being spread across the country, these trips are often the only time we all are able to get together. Needless to say, that 2020 trip didn't happen. In fact, from March 2020 on, the only family I saw were my parents and twice outside, I saw one of my brothers and his family. Finally, this summer I got to see all of my siblings and their families. It had been  a year and half since I'd seen my older brother, two years since I'd seen one sister, and three since I'd seen the other. We weren't all together at the same time, but I got to see each of them, and it was wonderful. We spent the majority of our time outside, and everyone 13 and over was fully vaccinated (kids 5-12 couldn't be vaccinated at the time, but they are now!). I have no idea when we'll be able to do another family vacation. As of now, we're hoping for Summer 2023, but it's obviously a bit of a moving target - it won't be sooner, but it could be later.  Still, I was so grateful to see everyone, even if it wasn't all together and we did have to stay mostly outside. It renewed me, especially as we went into the fall, and now winter, with new variants, and it's tougher to see people again.

Personal and Spiritual Reconnection 

I spent a lot of time feeling isolated, disconnected from others, lonely, and kind of forgotten about/invisible this year (outside of immediate family/loved ones and a couple of close friends). Which I won't sugar coat it, kind of sucked. As I watched the world move back towards a normal I was not and am still not comfortable with (because of covid, but also because I just don't believe our pre-covid "normal" was normal to begin with, or should have been), I felt left behind. But the fact that I have still mostly been staying home and haven't been as connected with the outside world allowed me to shift the focus to other forms of connection, namely with myself and with something greater than myself (which I realize some people will groan/roll their eyes at, and you are absolutely entitled to your thoughts on the matter, as I am mine). Both of these connections are ones I've struggled with in the past - the spiritual connection because my spiritual beliefs/faith doesn't quite fit in a box that people often like to use for these categories. For a long time, I thought that meant I didn't fit anywhere, that I was somehow not doing faith or spirituality right. But going through yoga teacher training, we were encouraged to explore the concept of Isvara Pranidhanadva", the idea of "your own personal connection with something greater than yourself/the universe/God/whatever term you used  (in YTT we called it 'Your Own Personal Jesus' and I really hope people get this reference). It helped me to feel more comfortable in exploring my faith and spirituality in a way that resonated with me. This, along with my own personal exploration of self and working with my therapist for many, many years, has helped me to also dive deeper into my connection with myself. There was a long time where I felt like I'd forgotten who I was (like, until this past summer/fall). I still feel a bit on shaky ground here. So I've begun working on rediscovering this. It's an ongoing journey. I've been doing a lot of processing of things that I should have processed more a while ago, both external and internal situations.

Morning coffee and writing session.

Writing

After publishing my novel in 2019, and then doing a lot of blogging on yoga and wellness on my other website in 2020, 2021 was a bit lacking in the writing department. But some of my family members and I started a virtual writing circle, where every couple of weeks a different person suggested a prompt, and we all wrote our pieces, shared with each other via google drive, and offered up thoughts on each others' pieces (honestly that it may have started in 2020, it's all kind of merging together). Despite having several blogs, having my works on multiple sites and publications, being published in an anthology, and having self-published my novel, I am still extremely leery to show my work to others - especially my non blog style type of work (blogging feels different, maybe because it's my life and nobody's more of an "expert" on what's going on in my life  or how I'm feeling about it than me, so I don't mind so much). So having the opportunity to write and share with trusted people, along with prompts that took me well out of my wheelhouse of blog style writing about myself, provided an ideal opportunity to expand and explore my writing and my creativity. 

I also began blogging again, and it's felt really good to get back to this outlet. For a while, I felt a bit like I wasn't sure what to say, like I had blogged for years and it didn't really seem to go anywhere.  But I've missed it, and when I think back to why I started blogging in the first place - to share my story, both as a bit of a catharsis for myself, and in hopes that it might help others that also are struggling - it doesn't matter if it "goes anywhere", if I get tons of followers or comments or whatever. If it helps me and it helps one other person reading it, that's enough. 

Finally, I started writing another fiction piece. I'm not sure exactly where it's going to lead. Maybe a short story, maybe a novel (or a mini novel), maybe just another piece written in my notebook. Similar to when I started writing Johanna's Secret, the idea literally came to me overnight. With my novel, I woke up with the opening sentence in my head. With this piece, I had a dream, and a particular character, and connection with that character stuck with me. Ironically, it's not the protagonist of the book, and yet I've built the story around that person. Whatever it turns out to be, I'm enjoying writing a story again, and curious to see where it leads. 

As I look back over this year, it held a lot of conflicting feelings. Feeling like I wasn't doing anything at all (day to day because pandemic) but simultaneously doing really big life things like buying a house and moving and starting IVF.  This year I both realized how lost I've been feeling, and began to navigate back towards myself.  I've worked through so many emotions, often at the same time, often that seem like they're odds with each other, but that must all exist and be felt as part of the healing process.  As always, life with a rapid mood cycling disorder is a lot of ups and downs. Add in a pandemic, IVF hormones, and drastically increased anxiety, and it's been an emotionally tumultuous year. But I've also found pieces of myself long forgotten, pieces of my spiritual connection, of my deepest self when the influences of the outside world are as stripped away as possible, and those have been extremely grounding and comforting. It's these pieces, along with the closeness of family and loved ones and closest friends - even when I can't see them in person,  that I will hold onto and continue to explore as we move into 2022. 

Grounding into the New Season

Happy December. I can’t believe I’m actually writing about my December theme because, on one hand, it’s felt like 2020 would never end and now we’re one month away from 2021, and on the other hand, shouldn’t December have been about five months ago? In all seriousness though, it has been one trying year. And now we’re headed into the month that traditionally is one of the most stressful, busiest, most demanding.  While 2020 will undoubtedly look a little different, it’s bound to come with a whole new set of stressors and frustrations. 

First off, we’re still dealing with a pandemic, and the numbers in many places are at their worst, so there’s the continued stress of that. There’s the sadness of having to celebrate separately from family and friends (at least for some). There’s changing every office and holiday party to an online gathering when you may already be virtually working and/or in school all day plus doing the majority of holiday shopping online, which means even more time staring at the screen. For those who have lost a job or had hours cut, there may be the stress of expected gifts for kids, family, friends while you’re trying to pay the bills and get groceries. For business owners and entrepreneurs, there’s looking at end of the year budgets, trying to plan for next year with still so much uncertainty, and possibly having to make some extremely difficult and emotional decisions about your business going forward. And most difficult of all, there are those who will be celebrating the holidays this year having lost some one (note: I realize this could be the case in any given year, but that number is significantly higher this year).

I say this all because the holiday season and looking into the New Year can come with a lot of societal pressure. It’s the time of year that’s traditionally thought to be full of cheer and joy and happiness and togetherness. There’s the push to “finish the year strong” and set goals and resolutions. There’s the trend I’m seeing these days, “Get ahead of the new year resolutions crowd! Get started now!”. Right now - really any year because everyone’s experiences and situations are different,  but I think especially right now - all of this may feel nearly impossible. And I want to say that it’s 100 percent OK if you don’t feel any of this.  If you’re feeling lost or confused or like you’re drifting in a sea of uncertainty and it’s difficult to make any choices or decisions at all, I get it. If you’re not even sure how you feel, I get that too. I’ve been struggling with all of this myself. So I’m taking the month of December to ground. I’m leaning into my meditation practice and developing more of a breath work (pranayama) practice. I’m practicing more grounding poses and flows. I’m using more props and in poses to help bring the ground to me and to increase the amount of contact I have with a solid(ish) surface. I’m spending more time journaling and checking in with myself. When I can, I’m trying to get outside, to feel the fresh air and sunshine on my face (or at least everything above my nose that’s not masked), to feel my feet connecting with the earth, even if through shoes or boots. I invite you to explore this as well. 

This month I’ll be sharing grounding poses and flows on Instagram and Facebook, bringing more grounding practices, poses, and themes into my virtual classes, and offering a full hour-long Yin Yoga (virtual) pop-up for those who want to spend more time in sinking into ground-based poses (seated, supine, belly) and play with utilizing more props in their practice (props are always optional and can certainly be the household item variety). 

Do you have any go-to grounding practices? I’d love to hear about them! 

Meeting Yourself Where You Are

In class, I often remind students to meet themselves where they are in that moment. That might mean adjusting the physical asana practice to how their body is feeling - choosing a particular variation of a pose, adding in props (or not), deciding whether to take the extra vinyasa or stay in Down Dog. Or, it might mean meeting themselves where they are mentally and emotionally. Maybe physically, their body feels fine, but they know that emotionally, they would benefit from a more restorative type of practice. Or perhaps they meet themselves where they are in the intention they set for practice, or in choosing whether or not to join in a particular type of breath work. 

Meeting ourselves where we are is a yoga practice not just on the mat, but off it as well. There are days in which applying the Yamas and Niyamas in life seems easier, on which I’m able to readily focus on concepts like Aparigraha - non-grasping or non-clinging.  On other days, I struggle to let go. Or take the Niyama of Santosha, or contentment. There are times in my life where, even though contentment has always been a bit of a struggle, I feel I’m able to practice Santosha rather decently. And other days, as much as I want to experience this, to practice this, it feels like a massive struggle. And in these moments, especially those in which the practice does not come so easily, I have to find what serves me best, to learn to continue to practice yoga as life with what I’m experiencing right now. 

I think this idea of meeting ourselves where we are, both on and off the mat, is especially important as we move into the winter months, the holiday season, and as we think about the approaching new year. From an on the mat perspective, the colder, shorter days of winter can make practice feel trickier. It can be difficult to motivate yourself to get up and get on the mat in the mornings when it’s still dark out, or in the evenings when it’s already dark before 5PM. Joints and muscles can often feel tighter in the cold weather, and that may make the actual asanas feel a bit more challenging. Off the mat, this is a time of year where everything seems focused on gratefulness and giving and joy, and those are, of course, important. But this year especially, that may feel like a bit more of a stretch (no pun intended) for many of us. If you’ve lost your job or have had a loved one ill or have been ill, gratitude might feel a little tougher to access.  If you’re feeling isolated and alone, if you aren’t seeing family for the holidays like usual, contentment might feel like a difficult practice. If you’re struggling with the concept of letting go - of how things were, or how this time of year usually feels, or of yourself - know that you’re certainly not alone in that, and that it doesn’t make you a “bad yogi”, it makes you human.  On the flip side, if being forced to slow down, to not host or attend big gatherings, to simplify a bit feels more aligned for you, then honor that too. However you’re feeling, it’s ok to honor this, to feel what you’re feeling, to meet yourself where you are. 

Yoga is a practice, and that means there are going to be ebbs and flows. There are going to be times where you feel you’re able to really dive into the practice, whether it’s Asana or another of the Eight Limbs or the philosophy that it incorporates, and there are times where this is going to be a struggle. It’s all about doing the best you can with where you are in the moment. Meet yourself there. 

Giving Myself Space & Tuning In

I missed this past week’s blog post. And the week before that. I had something written for both, but I forgot to schedule it and messed up the days of the weeks in my brain, so it was a Wednesday by the time I remembered it (I usually post on Tuesdays), and when I did, something told me to hang on to it and let the week(s) go without a post.  I can’t entirely explain it, but since this month I’m focusing on listening to my inner voice, I let it guide me. 

The thing is, I have a lot going on at the moment. I mean, don’t we all, right? And admittedly, there are plenty of people who have way more to deal with, so this definitely isn’t a “woe is me” type post. But there are some things happening in my life, in addition to the global pandemic and general state of the world, that could mean some major life shifts. Some I can share here. Some I’d prefer to not share publicly, though I’m happy to share privately with those I trust that truly want to know. One of the biggest is that I recently was laid off. Our company’s site contract was terminated, and given that almost all business is slow right now, there was not another site for me to go to. It’s not the first time I’ve been through the loss of a site contract, but it is the first time in a global pandemic where jobs are scarce. It’s creating some uncertainty in my life in a year already full of uncertainty, and let’s just say my anxiety doesn’t like it, nor does my mood disorder. 

In addition, I’m noticing that the longer the pandemic looms, and the longer I continue to not do regular pre-COVID activities, the more anxious I become about doing virtually anything, and the more I find myself isolating. The more things open up, the more anxious I get that I’m going to come into contact (not physical contact because please stay six feet away, but be nearby) someone who’s unknowingly infected. So the tendency is to isolate further. Which doesn’t help my mental health, and the cycle continues. 

So right now, I’m trying to give myself some space and to tune inward. I’m working to not be so hard on myself, to not blame or shame or guilt myself when I’m struggling to focus, when I maybe didn’t get as much done as I hoped, when I forget to post a blog or promote a class as much as I hoped. I’m trying to not be so judgemental. if my moods cycle even more than usual, if I’m feeling extra emotional or frustrated. Instead, I’m trying to listen in, to tune inward and listen to myself, to that core deep within me, past all of the anxious thoughts and the worst case scenarios and the “shoulds” and the “if only”s. It helps me center. It helps to quiet the background noise, both in life and in my head, so that I can connect with myself at a deeper level. It reminds me that it’s ok if I didn’t get my entire to-do list done today (assuming nothing was truly emergent). It reminds me that I can write that blog or share that post tomorrow, next week, whenever and in the end, it’ll be fine. It reminds me that if I’m “behind” in the personal or business development course I’m doing (it’s not for a grade, it’s for me), that I’m actually not - that I’ll get the most out of it if I allow myself to work at my own pace, and if I focus on it when I feel most effective, instead of pushing through just to complete it within a certain number timeline. It helps me remember that whatever is going on in my life externally, it doesn’t make me any less valid of a human being, any less worthy, any less “enough”. 

October Theme - Listening to Our Inner Knowing

This past month, I spent a lot of time turning inward. I do this naturally as someone who’s inner world is quite active - I’m an introvert and a writer with a super imaginative brain, I have a morning meditation and journaling practice, so it’s pretty common for me to direct my focus internally. But what I’ve begun to notice, especially in this past month, is that while it’s easy enough for me to look inward, it’s not so easy for me to actually listen to (and act on) what my own inner voice has to say. 

I am by nature an intuitive person. It’s more or less just how I’m made. I can’t explain it any other way. But we live in a world that tends to discount this type of inner knowing. If it can’t be seen, heard, physically felt/touched, tasted, touched, it’s not considered valid. And in certain instances, this makes sense - i.e. I’m not going to pretend my intuition can tell me more about COVID than the scientists, because knowing how a virus responds and reacts takes years of study and research and specific knowledge, which I do not have.  But when it comes to things that are intrinsic to me, it’s a different story. And it’s in these intrinsic situations that I often tend to discount my inner knowing, to listen to external influences and situations that can’t possibly know my inner landscape than me, who literally lives with it and in it daily. 

On the mat, dismissing our inner knowing can show up in numerous ways. It may be that I know, deep down, that what I really need is something more restful and restorative, but I convince myself or let others convince me that I should do an active flow practice because “I should push through it and move more”. It may be knowing that one pose variation would serve me best, but I see everyone else doing a different variation, so I go for that one. In each of these situations, I’m discounting what I actually know to be best for myself, or trying to convince myself that what I know isn’t actually true. 

Off the mat, this shows up in basically any area of life. It may look like a situation - a job, a house you’re thinking of purchasing, a relationship, an opportunity - that seems ideal “on paper” (i.e. to the external senses), but there’s something that about it that just feels off, or maybe doesn’t feel off but just doesn’t feel completely right. Or it may be the opposite. It may be a situation which you have to preface with “I know this seems ridiculous, but this just feels like the right path/way/decision/etc”. And to be clear, it doesn’t have to always be major decisions or life altering situations. It can be as simple as “For some reason, I really feel like cooking xyz for dinner”, or it could be that something tells you to take a different route to the grocery store and it turns out you missed sitting in a traffic jam on the route you normally take. (I realize this example probably doesn’t happen a ton because of GPS/Google Maps, but you get where I’m going with this). And I get that it might sound silly to try to listen to the inner voice that tells you what to make for dinner, but the reason that I point out these mundane examples is that because they often serve as practice for situations when there’s significantly more at stake. If we’re constantly telling ourselves “I feel like cooking this, or suggesting this activity, but no, that’s going to sound silly, I’ll just go with what I/we usually do”, we get conditioned to ignoring our inner voice, to discrediting it. Then, when bigger decisions come up (or if we’re ever in a situation in which someone else is actively trying to control or manipulate our actions) it becomes increasingly difficult to listen to ourselves, to our inner knowing. And  if we do this enough, it can have a negative impact on areas like our self worth, our self esteem and confidence, which I have experienced first hand. 

I’d be remiss if I didn’t add a caution here - it can be super tempting to use the idea of our intuition as an excuse to stay stagnant, to not push ourselves, to not get uncomfortable, to not grow.  This is particularly true when it’s a situation that makes us nervous, uncomfortable, or afraid (in a “fear of rejection” sort of way, not afraid for your health/life/safety - definitely listen to that!). For instance, it would be easy for me to say “Oh, I’m not going to try teaching that new class - I “know” nobody will show up anyway”. But that’s most likely not intuition. That’s fear masking as intuition to keep me comfortable. In this case, I have to dig a bit deeper, to get past that fear and get to the real knowing. And it may be that when I dig deep, I still find that I know it’s not the class to teach. But if I really listen to myself and my body, I’ll know what the right answer is. When I’m listening correctly, I’ll feel almost a peace or calm - even if the outcome itself isn’t what we hoped, there’s a feeling of understanding it’s the right decision. When I’m not listening properly but using it as a buffer, I’ll feel anxious or out of sorts or frustrated or possibly angry or defensive depending on the situation - basically, I’ll feel the way I would if someone was tricking me, because deep down I know I’m tricking myself. This is why practicing with more mundane situations and decisions can be helpful - we get used to what it feels like so that when we really need to rely on our intuition, we are more familiar with how it feels to do so. 

I’ll be exploring more of digging into our inner knowing, our intuition, throughout the month. In yoga, we can find this idea of intuition in the chakras (the third eye chakra specifically) and the Koshas (Vijnanamaya Kosha), and really, throughout all eight limbs of yoga. One of the main goals of yoga, after all, is to reconnect with ourselves not just ourselves in this body, but as part of something bigger. And to me, connecting with this inner knowing is an important part of this journey. If we cannot listen to ourselves, to who we are and what we truly know, how can we fully connect with ourselves as beings, and as part of something larger than ourselves?

Surrendering Into What Serves Me Best

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of surrender. Not surrender in terms of giving up but more in terms of an allowing, a letting go of some of the things we hold onto so tightly that it holds us back, a sinking into what serves us instead of resisting it. 

Last week I taught a Yin/Vin Pop-Up class, and I felt this surrender in a physical way. In Yin Yoga, we hold poses for significantly longer - usually somewhere between one to five minutes. When you’re holding a pose, say a hip opener like Pigeon/Sleeping Swan or Frog, the body’s natural tendency, or at least mine, is tense up so that you don’t sink into anything that feels uncomfortable. Sometimes, we even do this without realizing we’re doing so. But when you do this, you’re just holding tension in your body, which ultimately doesn’t feel better and often takes more energy and effort than just letting yourself surrender into the pose. If you do allow yourself to release the tension and to sink in naturally (surrender of this nature is not forced), you’ll find that once you get past the initial moments of discomfort, it actually begins to feel better. Additionally, in this practice we used props when needed/desired, which allowed us to sink in while still being supported. It wasn’t a “free for all” of forcing ourselves past what made sense in our bodies in that moment. We simply sank in, surrendered into the props or the mat or our bodies instead of actively resisting, which may sound easy enough, but can feel quite difficult in practice. (Caveat - of course if you have an injury or other reason to not go into a pose or variation, definitely listen to your body!). 

I’m finding the same is often true off the mat. I notice that I’m often emotionally holding tight to ideas of how I should be, how I should feel, to expectations, to thoughts and judgements about (mostly my own actions in) the past, to others’ thoughts about me. In doing this, I’m not allowing myself to actually be myself. I’m not letting myself to surrender to the present moment, to who I am right now, to who I know myself to be without all of the shoulds and the what ifs and the outside opinions and influences. I’m not allowing myself to immerse in what is, because I’m holding on to expectations and what “should” be. To be clear, I’m not talking about “what should be” in terms of things like basic rights and being treated decently. All humans deserve that. I’m talking about “my career should be at this level”. I “should” be in this stage of my personal life. I “should” do this x way and say y this way”, other’s tell me I “should be like this or that”.  

In life, as in yoga, when often we hold on so tightly that we’re actually limiting ourselves. We’re afraid to get uncomfortable, to go past the outside limits of what we think we can do and be. And as in yoga, there are times when using our discomfort as a guideline is important. On the mat, if we feel like a specific pose or variation might tweak an injury, listening to that discomfort is important. Off the mat, if we’re uncomfortable with the way someone makes us feel (i.e. not respecting physical or emotional boundaries for instance), then it’s important that we listen to this and hold firm. But when we’re using our lack of comfort as an excuse or an obstacle for growth, to prevent deeper exploration and understanding of ourselves, to not have to push past self limiting beliefs or open ourselves up to opportunities that inhibit us. In these cases, what feels like avoiding pain or discomfort may actually cause more of it in the long run, just as what feels keeping ourselves out of discomfort in a pose may actually lead to tensing of muscles and joint pain later, or at best prevent us from easing these issues long term.  

So I’ve been working on surrendering, both on and off the mat. I’m working on developing my necessary boundaries, in poses and in life, that need to be respected (by myself and others). And with these in place, I’m able to notice the places in which I’m making excuses that allow me to stay comfortable, which in reality are preventing me from surrendering into who I am and what I truly need, which ultimately prevents me from connecting better with myself, and from growth. And to be clear, when in neither case am I saying that one specific place - whether it be a pose or a marker in life - is the goal. In yoga, the pose itself is never the goal. But it’s the process, it’s what the surrender allows to happen internally, that I’m working towards. 

A Look Back On My 40th Year

Tomorrow’s my 41st birthday, and as I like to do with birthdays and other transitional type milestones, I wanted to take a look back on my 40th year. I know it’s an age that can feel like a danger zone for some people, but I was actually excited about it. I love new beginnings and entering a new decade felt like it. Plus, year 39 had been pretty eventful - I self-published my first novel, I completed and passed yoga teacher training, I established my yoga and wellness business, I started teaching at studios. So there was no reason to think that 40 wasn’t looking good. 

And then 2020 hit. I can certainly say that I did not spend the majority of my 40th year in any way that I remotely expected to. For starters, one of my goals was to come out of my natural introvert cocoon, spend more time with friends, and do more social activities. So, we know how that went. Instead of having the chance to teach yoga and wellness classes in more studios and workplaces, everything shut down and I transitioned to virtual. I also recently got diagnosed with a new chronic illness, Interstitial Cystitis, and as a result I have to start PT for my pelvic floor and bladder, so that obviously wasn’t in the game plan. But despite the year not looking at all like I’d thought it would, there were a lot of positives, and a lot of (albeit somewhat forced) growth. 

•  Last October, I exhibited at the Collingswood Book Festival with my novel. I even sold some copies! And in addition to the book festival, I sold significantly more books online - both paperback and e-versions than I ever anticipated, which as an added benefit, meant more “royalties” than anticipated (Note: my expectations for sales were low, I’m by no means a best selling author or rich off of book royalties. But still, this surpassed my expectations). 

• Last November, we took a road trip through New England, which included attending a friend’s wedding. I got to explore towns I’d never been to, and I got to stay in a particularly awesome B&B in Burlington, VT. 

• I ushered in 2020 with a low key fun New Year’s Eve of playing games, eating snacks, having beers, and hanging out with friends at their house. This is 100 percent my ideal way to spend the evening. At 40, being a socially anxious introvert, I don’t need or want big parties or open bars or anything like that. 

• I got my Yoga for Parkinson’s Disease certification.

•  I completed and passed a Lifestyle Wellness Coach course and exam.

• I got a certificate in Contact Tracing (DEFINITELY wasn’t on my radar prior to March 2020!). 

• I basically stopped wearing makeup AND (this is the important part) I’m actually feeling way more comfortable with my natural self. Clarification - I have no issue with makeup. In fact, the creative in me loves playing with colors and palettes and such. I was forced to stop wearing it due to a weird allergic reaction to something and then COVID hit and I worked from home for three months, so I just never really went back to wearing it. I have put on light makeup from time to time. One day when it’s safe to go back out to a nice dinner or date night, or when I want to dress up for something, I’m happy to wear it. But I don’t feel like I need to wear it just to feel comfortable with other people seeing me or me seeing myself in the mirror. And that’s huge. 

• Similarly, because of said allergic reaction, I’ve massively simplified my “beauty” routine. No more fancy shower gels and different types of lotions for different body parts at different times of day. I now use a dove soap bar, gentle shampoo/conditioner, and one unscented lotion for body, face, feet, hands day or night. It’s forced me to simplify, and to not bombard my skin/body with so much stuff, and the lack of beauty routine (lotions, makeup, etc) means more time in the morning for things like journaling, working out, meditation. Also, fewer, simpler products cost way less money. 

• I transitioned my teaching to online, which obviously wasn’t my original plan when I entered Yoga Teacher Training, but it’s going surprisingly well, and as a bonus, it’s allowing people to join who weren’t able to make in person classes. 

• I created a video library of yoga, barre, and workout (non-barre strength training) classes and pose tutorials. 

• Through yoga benefits - both my weekly benefit class and several pop-up- I’ve helped raise over $2300 for non-profit/charitable organizations. 

I’m not posting this in a “just look at the positive” type of way. So much about 2020 has sucked, and for many people it’s sucked significantly worse than it has for me (I acknowledge that privilege). But in looking at my 40th year as a whole, I can see areas in which I’ve grown, discovered more about myself, and gotten creative due to obstacles I certainly didn’t see coming. And for me, someone who’s naturally prone to depression and anxiety, who often struggles to see the positive in myself and my own value, I think it’s important for me to not just sweepingly dismiss my 40th year, but to acknowledge that there were areas in my life where learning and discovery and growth took place. I have no idea what 41 will hold. I’m definitely not going to say “I can’t wait to see what this year brings”, because after last year I know better than to make that kind of statement! There’s a lot I’m anxious about in the coming months/year. But I’ll try to head into my 41st year curious and open to possibility - even if that possibility shows up in a way I never expected. 

A Closer Look at the Niyamas

A month or so ago, I did a more in depth post on the Yamas, the first of the Eight Limbs of Yoga, and I promised to dive into more of the limbs soon. In this post, I want to focus on the Niyamas, and how they can apply in our daily lives. While the Yamas refer to how we interact with others and the world around us, the Niyamas are about our practices with ourselves.

As with most things, there may be multiple ways to interpret the Niyamas, especially as we try to bring them into 21st century daily life while honoring the roots and meaning, so this is my interpretation based on the training I’ve had and the readings I’ve done since. As I continue to learn and study these concepts, as well as try to incorporate them into my life as yoga off the mat (i.e. yoga as a way of life) my perspective shifts and evolves, and it may continue to do so. This is where I am with them as I understand them now. 

Sauca

Sauca generally translates to “purification” or cleanliness. Traditionally, there were cleansing practices to perform before asana - from my understanding, as a way of preparing the mind, body, and spirit for the “next steps” so to speak, on the yoga path.  When we studied this practice in yoga teacher training, we chose three practices from a list of maybe 8-10 (I’m estimating here) to choose. They included practices such as: neti pot, oil pulling, tongue scraping, dry brushing, drinking water with lemon (I’m obviously missing a few, here).  We chose our three and practiced them daily for two weeks, ideally first thing in the morning, and examined how we felt (both on and off the mat) as we wove these into our daily routines.  

This year, I’ve been relatively “forced” into a daily practice of sauca based on two health/medical scenarios. I’ve written previously about how I had to completely redo my ‘beauty’ (skin care, etc) and shower regimen due to a mysterious allergy rash that popped up suddenly. Basically, I had to simplify all of my soaps, lotions, eliminate makeup for a time, to treat this. It forced me to really examine what I was putting on my body, and to simplify, or purify if you will - nothing extraneous, nothing with scents or oils or fragrances or complicated ingredients, no unnecessary products.  The reaction seems to be gone, but I’ve stuck, for the most part, to this minimalist regiment. Ironically, using less feels more clean to me, and I’m liking the effect it has on me overall.  More recently,  I was diagnosed with Chronic Interstitial Cystitis, a bladder/pelvic floor nerve condition, and I’m having to adjust my diet (diet as in what I eat, not as in weight loss). I have to “eat my water”, meaning to get much more of my hydration through vegetables and fruits instead of just trying to drink the standard eight glasses of water. And because my GI disorder can impact the new condition, it’s making me concentrate more on how I eat generally, which I honestly should have been doing already but have slacked off a bit. I’ve had to get back to basics with what I’m putting into my body, too. I’m eating a lot more basic fruits and veggies. I’m working to get back to fewer processed and pre-packaged foods, because I don’t know how what’s in them is affecting my illnesses (and because it’s healthier in general). Basically, part of my treatment plan is to eat more cleanly.  Neither of these may be the traditional version of sauca, but they are ways in which I’m forced into “purifying”, for lack of a better word, what I put in and on my body.

In the days of work and yoga (practice and teaching), this could mean creating a “clean” space where you’re best able to get into your practice, or teach, or even work, if we’re talking about bringing the practice into everyday life. By clean, I don’t mean spotless - I mean a place that allows you to, as best as possible, focus in on whatever you’re using the space for in that moment (I also acknowledge this might not be possible given each person’s individual circumstances and being able to do so is a privilege). 

Santosha

Santosha is generally translated as contentment. For me, this Niyama falls strongly in the “easier said than done” category. In fact, I think of all the Niyamas, it’s the trickiest, especially in our 21st century world of instant gratification, messages to always push yourself harder, 100 different places you can look online and compare yourself and you life to what others are posting (which probably isn’t their real life). The constant inundation of to “do more and be better” can make feeling content difficult. For me, santosha can be closely linked to another yoga concept, Vairagya, or letting go - letting go to the outcomes of our actions, letting go of external opinions or validation, letting go of the (often  harmful) thoughts about ourselves that we internalize from those external opinions, letting go of the “shoulds”. 

Santosha doesn’t mean giving up, or not striving to be our best versions of ourselves. It doesn’t mean we don’t try to learn and grow and develop, and it certainly doesn’t mean that we settle for being treated badly, by others or systems/organizations or even by ourselves. It’s not an “I guess this is as good as it gets” type of approach. Nor, on the other end of the spectrum, is it spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity. To me, the simplest way to think of Santosha is the elimination of the “I’ll be happy when….” (I have xyz relationship, I have a better job, I have more money, I get that promotion, fill in the blank). 

*Important note: I’d like to pause to clarify something here. When I say releasing the “I’ll be happy when”, I’m talking about happiness within ourselves, of who we are. Internal contentment - i.e. not basing my view of my own worthiness as a human on my relationship status, job title, bank account, etc. I’m NOT referring to happiness/contentment with external circumstances as it relates to fundamental human rights and/or safety. I don’t expect someone to be content with oppressive and unjust systems. I don’t expect someone to be content in an abusive relationship. I don’t expect someone to be content with unsafe living conditions. To name a few.  I think this is a super important distinction, because without it, it’s easy to fall into the “Your life is what you make it. Just look at the positive” toxic positivity/spiritual bypassing that denies people’s pain and suffering, and that is the furthest thing from what Yoga, true yoga, is about.

Tapas

 Discipline or practice. Of all the Niyamas, Tapas to me is the one that’s the most tangible, both on and off the mat. To be clear, if discipline makes you think of detention in school or being grounded or some other punishment, that’s not at all what this is referring to. In the Niyamas, discipline means more like dedication or a consistent practice. On the mat (or cushion), this could be setting aside a set time each day that you do some asana, meditation, or breathwork. It doesn’t have to be intense to be “discipline”. For instance, I do five to ten minutes of meditation every morning before work, but I set aside the time and do it daily. Or it may be a few poses to help you wind down from the work day, or get ready for bed. 

Off the mat, there are too many examples to list. It could be setting aside time to consistently study or focus on any of the other Eight Limbs of yoga. Or maybe you have a journaling or self-reflection practice. Maybe it’s a creative exercise that helps you connect with your inner self. Maybe it’s a practice pausing to redirect thoughts or come back to your breath when in situations where you tend to feel anxious or distracted. There are numerous ways in which we can engage with tapas. Find one or several that resonate with you, that help you to feel connected to yourself, and set time to consistently engage with the practice(s).  

Svadhyaya

Svadyaya, as I learned it, is self-study through ancient texts. In yoga, this could include texts such as the Bhagavad Gita, the Yoga Sutras, the Hatha Yoga Pradipika. It’s not just reading the texts, but understanding them as they apply to ourselves - the lessons that they’re aiming to teach us and how they can be applied to our lives, both overall, and in the day to day. 

I also think that there are ways in which we can apply Svadyaya in the day to day that don’t have to directly involve reading ancient texts. We’re seeing a key example of this with the increased focus on anti-racism work (by white people - Black people and BIPOC have been focused on these) and, in the yoga realm in particular, understanding cultural appropriation and where we might be contributing to it. For me, there’s been a ton of self-study in the past few months in both areas, understanding where I play a role even if I hadn’t realized it, and learning how I can do better, both as a human in general, and as a yoga and wellness teacher and practitioner. While it might not all involve study of self through ancient texts (though the yoga work certainly does much of the time), it does involve self study and a deeper dive into who we are, so that we can then do the internal work. It involves learning from those who have first hand knowledge and experience of how to do the work, of the roots of the issues, who can help us see through a perspective that’s not solely our own, and in that, I feel there’s a parallel to the traditional meaning of svadhyaya. And of course, in understanding cultural appropriation and white washing of yoga, the study of ancient texts, of truly learning the roots and history and philosophies of yoga, is integral. 

Isvara Pranidhana

I’ve seen numerous translations of this Niyama. It’s generally summed up as “surrender to a higher being”. I’ve heard it as “your version of God”. In yoga teacher training, we described it as “your own personal Jesus”, not because we were being religious about it or trying to take away from the importance of the concept or its roots in any way, but because the well-known reference served as an entry point to conceptualizing this Niyama, which can be difficult to grasp. Isvara Pranidhana is your way of connecting with something bigger than your “small s self”. Some people may experience this feeling when they’re out in nature or when you’re standing out looking at the night sky, into a universe that’s so much bigger than our individual existence. Others may experience it with music or song or dance. Some may experience it in prayer or other practices based in their faith. There are plenty of other examples that I’m not thinking of at the moment (and if you have one, I’d love to hear about it if you’re comfortable sharing!). Isvara Pranidhana is not religious. It’s not tied to any one concept of God or any one faith. It’s beyond that. In fact, it acknowledges that we may all come to this surrender in our own way. 

And while I’m here, the word surrender. It’s not a giving up. It’s not weakening. I see it as more of an Allowing. For instance, when I’m alone in nature, either hiking through the forest or perhaps standing watching the ocean roll in, I allow my focus on my little s self to fade, even if just for a moment, and let myself be part of something bigger. Something that has nothing to do with my physical self, my individual characteristics as a being in this body. I allow myself to feel the connection to something that I can’t quite quantify or determine with the five senses.  It’s allowing yourself to become part of the music or the song or the dance or the prayer or the ritual or however it is that you connect. That’s the surrender. 

This is a lot, I know, especially for those that haven’t studied them before.  As with everything else in yoga (and life), you don’t need to have a perfect understanding or be able to fully jump into each and every one of these. But they have an important place in the path of yoga, and as I delve further into understanding and sharing and living that path, I wanted to introduce them to you as best I can. I’m still studying and growing my understanding as these concepts, so I may have more to say on them down the road. For now, I'm happy to answer any questions on them as best I can, and I’d love to hear your own thoughts and understanding of these Niyamas.  

September Is National Suicide Prevention Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Honestly, suicide prevention month should be every month, because even one person dying by suicide is one too many, and yet an average of 132 people die by suicide every day in the US. Every. Day. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., and perhaps more startlingly, it’s the 2nd leading cause of deaths for people ages 10-34 years old. The fact that suicide statistics start at age 10 is, frankly, horrific to me. 

Those who know me know that suicide prevention is a cause close to my heart. About ten  years ago, my mom’s cousin (my second cousin) Joe died by suicide. I wasn’t close to Joe,  but my mom and her family grew up with him. While I was growing up, we celebrated many holidays with his mom, my great aunt, and occasionally we’d see him. I wish that I’d had a chance to know him as an adult. Knowing his history, which I will not get into here because it’s personal and not mine to share, I cannot imagine the struggles he went through. But I do know what it’s like to struggle with mental illness, and I wish I could have talked to him, or offered for him to talk to me. Even if he never did, I think that sometimes knowing someone is available to listen can help. I don’t if it would have for him, but I wish I’d had the opportunity.  

I’ve also had my own struggles. I’ve lived with rapid cycling cyclothymia (a mood disorder in which I can cycle rapidly between hypomania and depression) basically my whole life, though I was only officially diagnosed about 11 years ago, after my then undiagnosed illness landed me  in a “voluntary” stay in the hospital for a couple of nights (voluntary is in quotes for a reason, a whole other story that I won’t go into at the moment). I have been in a place where I don’t understand why I’m even still alive. I’ve been at the place where I thought the world and those I love would be better without me. I have experienced that feeling of absolute hopelessness, of worthlessness, of complete emptiness and numbness. There are times, even 11 years into mental illness recovery, that I feel this way, because my illness isn’t gone, it’s just that I understand it more now and have a treatment plan that I follow. 

I have seen friends and struggle with mental illness, with suicidal ideation and attempts. I’ve seen friends and loves ones lose people they love to suicide. 

So many of us suffer, often feeling so horribly alone. There’s still so much stigma surrounding both mental illness and suicide. For some, factors such as family dynamics, culture, or religion (and I’m sure plenty else) make reaching out for help, speaking about struggles, even more difficult. I know that we’re all different. We all experience our illnesses differently and all have unique circumstances that mean nobody can completely understand what another is going through in their illness and how it impacts their life. But I also want anyone struggling to know that others can understand some. There are others who have experienced the feelings of depression, isolation, worthlessness, hopelessness, who have questioned their lives, who have struggled to get out of the bed in the morning, who maybe some days cannot do so. Please know you are not alone, although I understand that it often may feel like it. There are people out there who will listen. I know you may feel like a burden asking others for help, reaching out to others (I know because I’ve been there too). I promise that you are not. If you need to reach out, even if we don’t personally know each other, my virtual door is open. You matter. Your life matters.

September Theme: A Little Bit Of Everything

Happy September! I wrestled a bit with this month’s theme. The first blog post that popped into my mind to post as we go into September was a look back on my 40th year, since I turn 41 this month. But as much as I’d love for the monthly theme to be “My Birthday” (for those of you who don’t know, I LOVE birthdays),  it doesn’t exactly fit with what I’m trying to do with this blog and my yoga and wellness business. 

Next, I thought about the fact that we transition into Autumn this month, and using that as a theme, but let’s face it - all of 2020 has been one continual transition. So while I might do some posting about transitions, both in life and between actual yoga poses, I didn’t feel like we needed a month specifically dedicated to this. 

I considered looking at other aspects of yoga philosophy, such as the Koshas, Kleshas, further exploring the Eight Limbs of Yoga, and more, but I couldn’t quite narrow it down, and I wanted to introduce some of these concepts more before making them the theme. 

In addition to all of this, September is National Suicide Prevention month. As a mental health and suicide prevention advocate, and someone who walks the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention each year (when there’s not a global pandemic), I of course want to give advocacy a bit of an extra boost this month.

Then, this morning, I was listening to the Front Seat Life podcast (if you love to geek out on Myers
Briggs/personality type I highly suggest checking out Jessica Butts), and she was talking about how we often try to create content in a certain way because that’s “how you’re supposed to do it”, but how that often doesn’t feel authentic, and that it’s when you do something authentically, you’re giving your best self to whatever you’re doing. (I’m definitely paraphrasing here). 

So I decided that this month, my theme was, more or less, not to have a theme. I want to talk about winding down my 40th year and my birthday. I want to focus on some mental health and suicide prevention advocacy. I want to talk about the koshas and maybe the Kleshas and probably More about the Eight Limb Path. I want to delve into the chakras, and  I’ve decided to incorporate this into my Yoga Pose of the Month, a format that I’m also changing up a bit for September (stay tuned to my Instagram and Facebook  for that). 

This month, you’re getting a little bit of everything. I have a lot of information I want to share, a lot of themes I want to jump into in my classes and my blogs, and of course, if you know  me, you’ll get the annual birth month/week/day countdown! 

I’m looking forward to sharing this journey into this next season, and into my 41st year, with you! 

Ask the Blogger - Part 2

I’m back for Part 2 of Meet the Blogger. I actually changed this title to Ask the Blogger, because these questions - centered around my work as a writer, mental health advocate, and travel planner, were more informational questions than personal questions about me, save the questions about my novel. I’ve organized them by topic, because that’s how I roll.

Writing

I read your novel Johanna’s Secret and really enjoyed it?  Can you recommend other books that are similar that I would enjoy.   

As for books, I am a big fan of both Lucinda Riley and Kate Morton in terms of how they use themes that weave the past and present, and they tend to be mystery-like - someone in the present trying to discover something about their past/the past of a place, similar to Johanna’s Secret. 

Are you working on a new novel or a sequel to your first one?

Excellent question. I’d like to. My novel wasn’t something planned out and brainstormed. The opening line came to me one morning as I woke up. I journal/write each morning, so that morning, I wrote down that line that had popped into my head, and just ran with it.  Each day, or most days, I continued. I didn’t plot it out or anything. I wrote as it came to me, and one day, I wrote a final line and knew it was the end. So yes, I’d like to write another, and, as cliche as it sounds, I’m basically waiting for inspiration to strike. I feel like I’ll recognize it when it’s done, but if I try to force it, it won’t feel natural to me or sound natural to the reader. 

Your novel Johanna’s Secret was published through Book Baby, which is a self-publishing company.  As someone who has  been through the process of self-publication how do you feel about your experiences taking that route to getting our work out – what would you say are the advantages? Disadvantages?

Honestly, I loved self-publishing, especially for a first novel.  My novel sat in my notebooks (yep, I hand wrote it!) and then later on my computer, for several years before deciding to publish.  I was so nervous about submitting it and getting rejected that I followed the ever-logical but not super effective strategy of “if I don’t submit it, they can’t reject it!”. Then I saw that a friend and travel client of mine worked at BookBaby, and I decided to reach out. I had a few advantages here, in that 1.) I knew someone at the company 2.) My dad is a writer and editor and so I was able to get free editing (thanks, Dad!) and 3.) My brother is an architect who’s also great with art and design, so I also got a free cover design (I’ll pay you all back when I make my millions haha!). But Bookbaby also offers those services at an additional fee (I can only speak for them, as I haven’t worked with other self-publishing services), so if I didn’t have access to those services through my family, I could have through them. 

Advantages: ease and speed of the process, without the anxiety of rejection letters. Plus, I got to be a part of the whole process, which was excellent. In addition, they have a bookshop where people can buy the book, the “royalties” are paid regularly, and it’s easy to see what you’ve made and what you’re owed. They also, at least with the package I got, made it available on online booksellers, both in digital and paperback. 

Disadvantages: Honestly, there weren’t any for me, but I guess if you’re looking for a big recognizable publishing name on your book, then there’s that. I wasn’t. And I don’t have an agent or anything like that, so I do the marketing myself (though they offer marketing packages too I believe). If you’re looking to skyrocket to the top of the best seller’s list, then self-publishing might not be for you (there are exceptions I’m sure). But if what you’re looking to do is publish your book, then I highly suggest it, especially if you’re in the Philly/South Jersey area, as they have a local site in South Jersey and it’s always nice to support local! 

I should add a caveat: while I said I didn’t have to worry about rejection, there are certain restrictions on what could be published. As with any publishing company, it’s their name, and they have the right to say “we don’t publish this kind of content”, and of course, they have to be mindful of legalities/trademarks/copyright laws, etc. But it’s not a rejection in terms of “this isn’t ‘good enough’ to have our name behind it’. It’s more of a “your book has to meet these parameters to publish with us.”

Mental Health Advocacy

 As someone who is involved in advocacy for mental health, what is your perception of the way that covid-19 restrictions and regulations might affect people during these times?   Are there things family members or employers might want to take into consideration that would help to make these times a bit less stressful for those with mental health issues.

I absolutely think that the COVID restrictions can affect mental health, and in numerous ways.  First, there are compounding factors, such as if someone has been laid off/furloughed, and is worried about paying bills, buying groceries, and providing for the family. And if someone already lives with anxiety or depression, this could certainly compound it further. There’s the concern over yourself and/or loved ones getting sick. There’s the lack of social connection for many (those that live alone, are used to being part of a busy work environment), and for others, there’s the opposite issue - not having any time to oneself because everyone is home all of the time. In some states, even outdoor spaces were shut down/restricted for a time, so there was limited opportunity to be outdoors (especially for those of us that live in the city), get fresh air and sunshine, be active, etc which can have an impact on health, both mental and physical.

I think the main thing for family members to take into consideration is that everyone is going to process and handle this situation differently. Their loved ones may not handle it the same way they are/would. In fact, depression and anxiety and most mental health conditions affect each individual a bit differently. Depression, for instance, could look like crying and extreme “sadness” (in quotes because it’s deeper than that). For others, it may look like exhaustion and emptiness/numbness. And there are plenty of other ways it might look. I think it’s easy for people to think “well I’m handling this, why can’t they?”. But each person’s experience is going to be different, even within the same family, and I think we need to acknowledge it. If the person needs to or wants to talk, listen without judgement. If it’s beyond what you think is your ability to help, encourage them to get help- many therapists are offering telemedicine right now, which might feel less intimidating than having to go to an office (especially in a pandemic). 

For employers - I honestly have a lot to say about this but I’ll try to be succinct (not my forte). If it’s at all possible to let your employees work remotely, have flexible hours, work when they have work to do but not have to be staring at a computer screen 9-5 ‘just in case’, do so. Actually, those of us in the chronic illness community have been pushing for this for years, without a pandemic. When your employees are in situations in which they feel best, or their least worst, it’s best for everyone.  I get there are some jobs that can’t offer this (i.e. your plumber isn’t going to be able your fix your leak from their home), but where you can, try to be creative. Also, make employees aware (by actions and words, and actually mean it) that their health is the most important and where possible, provide access to resources such as EAP programs.  It’s important that employees feel that if they feel unsafe, aren’t feeling well, or are struggling mentally, that they won’t be penalized for taking care of their health. 

What do you see as the connection between physical fitness and mental health? It seems that mental health professionals always recommend exercise but people with mental health conditions often have trouble managing to exercise. It feels like a catch 22.

To me, there’s so much connection between physical fitness and mental health, and I think it’s a two way street. Yes, exercise can help mental health. In the short term, if I’m anxious, going for a walk or moving my body in some way may help because 1.) endorphins, and 2.) it gets me out of my head a bit and into my physical body, and even if that takes my mind for a bit, it’s helpful. In the long term, establishing a habit of movement or exercise can serve as an anchor for tougher days - I know my morning routine, which includes movement/exercise, helps me to ground and come back to myself on tougher days b/c it’s familiar, and reliable. But, as you point out, that isn’t always feasible, at least not the way we tend to think of exercise. I suggest that we broaden the idea of what exercise is. It doesn’t have to be a 60 minute full body workout that gets us up to our target heart rate. It can be 10 minutes of moving your body, or even part of your body, in a way that you don’t normally. It could be dancing around your kitchen while you cook dinner or unload the groceries. It could be a 15 minute walk around the block, or in nature. It could be playing a game of tag or climbing a tree with your kids (do people still do these things in the days of technology? haha). It could be that when you’re watching TV, every time there’s a commercial on you get up and move around for a few minutes - either organized exercises, or just moving your body however it feels right. If mobility is limited, it could be moving the parts of the body which you feel most comfortable moving.  I think the key is finding movement that feels good, or at least not terrible, to you. I also think it’s important to focus on movement as a benefit for the body and mind, and not either a punishment/something you “have to do” or as a bargaining tool (if I do this exercise I can have dessert tonight/binge that show/etc).  Also, know that it’s ok to give yourself a break - illness can be unpredictable, and even with the best intentions, you may know that your body and brain would benefit more from rest than forcing yourself to exercise/be active on a particular day. 

Finally, I might suggest keeping a journal of how you feel when you move/exercise. It doesn’t have to be anything formal. But after you do different types of movement/exercise, maybe right down how you feel - physically, mentally, emotionally - as well as how you feel about that exercise. As a bonus, it serves as a log of different exercise ideas, so if you’re feeling stuck, you can reference it and maybe get some ideas for movement you can do that doesn’t feel like as much of a chore. 

As someone who posts about mental health and has been published in various journals, what areas of mental health do you see as needing and/or welcoming new writers?  Can you recommend any specific journals or forums that a new writer might want to try?

Honestly, all topics across mental health need new writers. We’ve made progress, but stigma is still a rampant issue, and there are so many who are (completely understandably) afraid to share their story, who feel alone in what they live with. So honestly, I think any areas in which you can write and share your story as well. That said, I definitely think that we can look at intersectionality, in terms of mental health/mental illness and race, culture, sexual orientation, gender, religious background, and I’m sure l’m missing some areas. I’m a heterosexual white woman that’s “spiritual/faith based but not strictly part of a particular religion” living in the northeast US, and while it’s great that I share my story and can connect with others on the topic of mental health, I can’t imagine my story speaks fully to people that aren’t this specific combination of identifiers (probably not the right word but I’m struggling to think of the right one).  While it might help others feel less alone in their illness, people need to hear from people with their similar experiences, perspectives, cultures, communities, identities - basically, people who experience life with mental illness more like they do. 

Also, to tie this back into yoga, I think  it needs to be addressed big time in the yoga and wellness community. I wrote a few weeks back about the toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing of “Love and light and good vibes only” that’s so prevalent in this community. And yet so many people come to yoga and wellness, as I did, in times of struggle. I know if I’d gone into my first yoga class, at a really difficult point in my life, and was basically told to just look on the bright side, I never would have gone back. So I think  it’s super important as instructors to share our humanness, our struggles. I don’t mean in class as a teacher, but in the days of social media and blogging and such, it’s certainly possible to weave your story into your posts to show this side of your journey as well. 

As for where to publish, I’ve been in advocacy for a while, so I’m not sure in terms of new writers, but I can share where I have been published in hopes that it maybe offers some options - I’ve been published on/in The Mighty, No Stigmas, and WTFix over the past couple of years. The journal I’ve probably been published in most is Wordgathering, which is A Journal of Disability Poetry and Literature.  I’ve had my own work published there, but I’ve also published book reviews of other writers’ work, as well as interviewed fellow writers. 

Travel

Even though I know international travel is not recommended, some of us just need to get away. Are there still countries that are safe to visit and that will allow American tourists in?  Is there a list somewhere that you could refer me to?  

This is changing almost daily, and I’m going to give the disclaimer that I’m not traveling at the moment or booking travel right now because I don’t feel it aligns with my business ethics, so this is for information but not recommendation. I am also going to state the obvious that these require you to get on a plane, and again, I’m not recommending that. With that out of the way,  I believe some Caribbean nations and Mexico, at the time of this post, are allowing Americans. Also, Albania, North Macedonia, and Tanzania at last check. However, to my knowledge none of the last three have a nonstop flight, and each country’s allowances for layovers/connections might be different. The best bet is to check with the State Department website (also gives Visa and entry/exit requirements, and more), as well as with the individual US embassies and Consulates for the country. Here’s the link for International Travel for the state department, and within it, there are additional links and information. I also believe that some countries are requiring a negative COVID test within a certain time frame of arrival in order to enter. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-travel.html

 Given the restrictions on international travel due to covid-19, what are some of your recommendations for places to travel within the United States that might not be subject to much crowding?

Even domestic travel has been tricky, given the changing restrictions and quarantine requirements, and some of it depends on where you live - i.e. here in Philadelphia, we have quarantine requirements for, at the moment, 34 states  (that’ll probably change by the time this is posted). Each state has different requirements, and even within that it changes frequently, so I’m leery to recommend any place, since it could end up on the quarantine list for your state  tomorrow! Honestly, I’d suggest something like camping (though I do not recommend places with shared bathrooms/showers!), or visiting friends/family where you know they’ve been staying safe and can stay with them - like a staycation, but at a trusted friend or family member’s house that’s in an area not on your state’s quarantine list. 

More questions? Ask away. I’m always happy to talk about my work in all of these areas!

Meet The Blogger - Part 1

Since it’s been over a year since I started my Yoga business and new website, I thought I’d do a re-introduction/”Meet the Blogger” type post, but interview style. I asked people to send me questions, and they delivered - so much sot hat I decided to break it up into two posts, and even with that, they’ll still be lengthy posts. For this first post, I decided to focus on questions about my businesses and passions overall, as well as those questions about yoga. The next post will include questions about Mental Health Advocacy, writing/my novel, and travel (though not much to say about that one right now!).

I see that you are passionate about a variety of things -  yoga, travel, mental health, writing.   How did you come to follow these various interests and did any one thing lead to the others?  If so, how?   

I love this question (these questions) because they allow me to journey inward a bit, and to examine my path both backwards and forwards. 

Writing & Mental Health Advocacy: I’ve always loved to write and it’s always come naturally. I’ve always been best able to get my ideas and thoughts out on pen and paper (now computer, though I still prefer the pen and paper). I’ve journaled since I was a kid, both as a creative exercise, as well as a way of keeping track of life.  As an adult, when I’m struggling to make sense of the jumble in my head, when I’m inspired by an idea, when I have a ton of thoughts at once that I need to organize, I write. When I was diagnosed with my mental health condition, rapid cycling cyclothymia, and I could find so little about it and so few others discussing it, I decided to start a blog about living with it (it’s been a while but you can find that here). From there, I began advocating on social media, sharing my posts on mental health and chronic illness related sites, and looking for organizations to be involved with. As for writing fiction, see further down in “Will you write another book” for how I got into that. 

Travel:   Like writing, I’ve loved to travel since as long as I can remember. I took my first overseas trip with my high school in my junior year (and another in my senior year). In college, I studied in Australia for six months. After college, I started planning trips for myself and my family just for fun. Others learned about trips, heard that I planned them, and asked me to help them plan their trips. I enjoyed doing this enough that I decided to take a correspondence (i.e. long distance, before online learning days) course from a travel college in Kansas. It was one of the few nationally recognized travel schools at the time. I completed my courses, and by then had enough clients and potential clients that I decided to take the plunge, quit my full time job, and open my own travel company, which I ran full time for about 10 years, and still run part time. 

Yoga: The short version of this answer is that when I had my travel business brick and mortar location, a yoga studio opened across the street about six months after I opened my business. I reached out to the owners, new business owner to new business owner and established a rapport. One day, I got the courage to go try a class. I was going through a divorce at the time, and I was more or less restarting my life. Yoga, along with my business, gave me a place to focus and come back to myself. 14 years and many, many classes later, I graduated yoga teacher training from the yoga school that was part of that same studio (albeit owners had changed and it had moved down the block). So in a very literal way, travel led to my yoga, basically out of proximity! I actually wrote a more in depth post about my yoga story here). 

Do you have a goal on how to bring all of your various passions together?   Where do you see all of this leading in the years to come?

I always have big goals and dreams! 

One of my biggest passions is using yoga to help people - not just on the mat, but off the mat as well through yoga benefits, where we raise funds for causes/charity.  In the more immediate future, I’d love to increase the number of yoga benefits and workplace (or virtual workplace!) programs I do.  I have a long range goal of raising $10,000 per year for charity with yoga benefit programs. So far in this first year I’ve raised close to $2000, so I have a bit of a ways to go, but I’m hoping as I’m able to expand the number and types of benefits I do, I’ll continue to grow the amount I can raise. 

In terms of combining efforts, I have a vision of a “thing” (that’s a super technical writer term, ha!)  that I call the Spread Hope Project Road Trip:  I’d do a road trip across the US, holding yoga benefit classes in each state I visit to I raise money for a local (to each area) organization involved in mental health, or a cause in which mental health is often impacted - i.e. homelessness, child hunger/food insecurity, to name a few.   I’m still thinking on how I’d like this to work. Possibly partnering with local studios and organizations along the way, something like that. It feels like a nice way to tie my mental health, travel, and yoga work together, and I’m sure I’d blog about the trip, so I’d get to tie in writing too!  Obviously, any actual potential planning isn’t going to make sense in COVID times where classes are mostly online and most travel requires a quarantine. 

I’m brainstorming an online community/program in which participants have access to my yoga/barre/workout video library, my virtual classes, and an online community forum for support/motivation/sharing their efforts or questions. This would be particularly geared at those who may be at the start of their yoga/wellness journey, getting back into it, or who don’t have a full 45-minutes to hour to do a class or workout each day, but may be able to do 10-15 minutes at various times to build their routine (i..e think parents with young kids at home during quarantine). I’d likely incorporate some journaling and such as well.  I need to be clear - this wouldn’t be a group where you had to post daily workouts online to promote it or anything - the community part would be closed, for support and accountability and a bit of private group wellness coaching/help. The big thing for me is that not everyone can do a “workout of the day” or get to a class, or do x amount of exercise at y time, nor does everyone want to. But I know that even a small amount of community can help to motivate and hold us accountable and, quite frankly, right now give us that connection even if virtual, and I want to provide that. 

Eventually, I’d love to do some retreats, which would bring in the travel portion. There’s a house in Catalonia that I stayed in a couple of years ago with my family that I have my eye on for a yoga retreat some day! For obvious reasons, that has to be put on hold right now.

Finally, I’m interested in getting trained in trauma informed yoga, so that I can offer some classes particularly geared for those who are struggling with mental health and trauma recovery. 

The yoga studios in the area that I live still remain closed but I would like to get back into it. Can you recommend some good websites that would not be too difficult for a beginner to follow? Are you offering any online yoga sessions to the general public yourself?

I’ll answer the last part of your question first in hopes that this is the most appealing haha!  Yes, I am offering a weekly virtual class Tuesday evenings at 5:15PM. It’s pay-what-you-can/donation optional, and all-levels, so beginners are certainly welcome. My class info is here.  I also have several other pop-ups each month, and I’m working to introduce classes such as Yin and Slow Flow into my schedule,  which might appeal to beginners/those getting back into it. I’m also considering a Beginners class or series in the near future.  Additionally, I offer private virtual sessions, which are of course created for the level of the person doing the session. Finally, I’m  building up a virtual video library which has some beginner and all-levels videos. It’s currently free to my Newsletter subscribers, which you can sign up for here (also free).

Many area studios are offering on-demand and live virtual classes, so if there are studios in your area you’re familiar with and have practiced with before, you may want to check those. Most of the major yoga websites, such as Glo.com and Yoga International offer a variety of on-demand classes. Both have free trials with subscription options. 

The nice thing about virtual is that you don’t necessarily have to stick to one studio or source - you can choose from a larger variety and try things out and have variety, without having to travel to numerous locations. 

Can you explain what Kids Chance yoga is about?  Who does it benefit and how would someone join the group?  Is it still going on now that yoga studios are generally closed?

Kids’ Chance Yoga is a weekly All-Levels Yoga Class that I hold on Tuesday evenings (mentioned above). The proceeds for the class benefit Kids’ Chance of New Jersey, which was created to provide scholarships for college and vocational education to children of New Jersey workers who have been fatally or catastrophically injured in a work-related accident.  Right now, and for the foreseeable future, this class is being held virtually, and while virtual, the fee is ‘Pay-What-You-Can”. The class is open to the public (virtually) and you can sign up on my website “Classes & Offerings” page. (Once on the website, choose the block that says “Yoga to Benefit Kids’ Chance”, and follow the prompts. It’s a new sign up system, so you’re welcome to contact me if anything doesn’t work as planned!). I should note that while this is a weekly class, it’s not a series - new attendees can join any time, and you aren’t committed to a certain number of classes or anything like that.  

This is a very stressful time for most people between COVID, the 2020 elections and current political climate, protests, etc. Have you considered holding any yoga classes focused specifically on stress management?

Awesome question! Yes, I’m working on adding in some yin style classes, which are slower paced classes of mostly seated and supine poses that often use props (home-props like books for blocks work) and allow people to relax into poses for longer periods of time. I’m also working on adding more breathwork (pranayama) into classes as well as meditations/guided visualizations and body scans, all of which can be helpful with stress management and relaxation. And for those that would like a little more movement, but would like to slow things down a bit, I’m looking to include some Slow Flow pop-ups soon! 

How do you feel about hot yoga? Safe or risky?

Truthfully, hot yoga is…. not my favorite, either to take or the general idea of it. My instinct and training tell me to say “risky!” but I’m trying to not let personal preferences get in the way and to answer as pragmatically as I can. I think for me, some of it depends on the specifics of the class. (Also please know I’m not a medical professional, I’m a yoga instructor with a degree in Exercise Science/Kinesiology, so for anyone especially concerned, I’d check with your doctor before taking it). 

1.) Are you allowed to drink water during practice? If not, I’m going to say it’s unsafe - not even as a yoga practice but in general. Any situation in which you’re dehydrating yourself (which is most likely the case in hot yoga) and not allowed to re-hydrate doesn’t feel safe. 

2.) Is it warm or hot? I ask because it’s summer here with temps in the 90s, and basically any outdoor yoga (which is basically the only class we can do with COVID restrictions right now) is “hot yoga”. So if it’s just slightly heated and you’re allowed to hydrate/pause/take the class at your own pace, and if you’re given instructions on what to do to safely stop if you aren’t feeling well, you’re probably alright *as long as you don’t personally have any contraindications*. 

3.) I’d recommend against it for anyone with hyperelasticity or anyone that’s not supposed to get their heart rate high - i.e. if you’re doing yoga because it’s low impact and exercise you can do that isn’t going to jump your heart rate up, I wouldn’t do hot yoga. 

Also, a huge caveat to all of this, and this is a personal opinion but I think it’s sound: I do not think indoor hot yoga is safe during COVID time. (I’m actually not practicing or teaching any indoor classes that aren’t virtual at this time). Bottom line - we breathe harder when we’re hot. The harder we’re breathing, the more likely we are to open our mouths to breath. If you’re practicing with a mask and sweating, there’s more of a chance of it slipping down. Or sweat dripping and you pulling the mask away to wipe sweat off without even thinking about it (i.e. not intentionally harming anyone). 

Are there any yoga poses that you flat out hate?  Why?

I wouldn’t say I hate any poses, but I have a bit of difficulty in belly backbends (especially ones where my bellow is fully on the ground and my chest is closer to the ground - salabhasana, Dhanurasana) . Because of severe sinus and allergy and possibly other yet to be discovered issues that affect my breathing, I tend to not ever feel like I’m getting a full breath when I breathe normally, i.e. in everyday life. One of the things I love about yoga is that it helps me focus the breath, breathe into the belly, be acutely aware of the fact of my breath being shallow, and to work to more consciously breathe deeply. When my belly is on the ground, I feel like I can't get that deep breath, and  I almost feel like I’m gasping for air. I do try to focus on intercostal breathing (into the side body, feeling the ribs expand out to the side), but my anxiety kicks in and tries to convince me I’m running out of air and can’t breathe. Naturally, that makes me breath faster and shallower, and the cycle repeats. I’m getting better at this, but it is a work in progress. So, in case you needed a sneak peak into the extreme humanness of yoga teachers and how we are definitely not all calm and serene during class, here you go! At least speaking for myself. 

I also want to be clear that I’m NOT saying that belly backbends make it tough for people to breathe, so please don’t worry about that - that’s my brain doing it’s thing, as probably all of ours do from time to time. 

If you could attend a yoga retreat anywhere, where would it be?

Oh this is tricky, because the answer is everywhere! But I’ll try to narrow it down. Let me say here, I’m not great at “roughing it”, and I don’t do super well being told what I can and can’t do, so I’m not sure I’d want a place that was specifically created for retreats, where every minute of your day is planned out for you. I’d prefer to be maybe in a big house or B&B/Inn that can be used as a base for a retreat. The first place that pops to mind for me is Greece.  I was there a few years ago, and I absolutely loved it - not the touristy cruise stop type of places, but I particularly loved Crete and I think it could make an amazing spot for a yoga retreat, as well as to experience the outdoors, a unique culture, and amazing food! 

That was fun! Thanks to everyone who sent in questions. If you have yoga or overall business questions for me, I’m always up to answering and sharing about myself and my yoga journey (this is a family-friendly blog, so keep them appropriate :-). Feel free to ask in the comments or message me on any of my social media accounts!

Allowing Myself To Be Seen Again

I actually had a different post prepped to post today. In fact, it was a two-part post full of “Ask the Blogger/Owner” type questions, that will probably be posted over the next couple of weeks. But then this week, I’ve noticed something - for some reason, over the past couple of days, I started becoming acutely aware of how often I try to shrink myself (figuratively, not a body statement), become “invisible”, remove attention from myself, without even realizing I’m doing it.

To clarify, this is not the first time I've noticed that I have trouble making eye contact or that I don’t love being up in front of people (exception: teaching a class). But pieces started fitting together. It’s not simply that I get anxious being in front of people. Or that I struggle drastically to make eye contact even with people I know reasonably well. It’s not only that I routinely ask permission or seek approval from others for the most trivial things that absolutely do not require it. Or that I continually walk with my shoulders hunched over, often with my head down. I always assumed the latter was the classic “sitting at a computer/over a phone all day” thing, and it’s true that part of it may just be poor posture, but that’s not all of it. I’m hiding, or trying. I’m working, without realizing or necessarily intending, to become as small as I can, as unnoticed as I can. It occurred to me that I don’t walk nearly as hunched over on my own, but if I notice someone walking my way, my head goes down and I look at my feet. And then there’s the compliments and praise, and the fact that it feels nearly impossible for me to accept them. Or at least to believe them. If you’ve ever tried to compliment me or give me praise (this feels like a weird word but I can’t think of another), you’ve assuredly been met with either my downplaying it, deflecting it, or most likely, a super awkward response. If we’re in person, it probably involves me avoiding eye contact and fidgeting or some nervous habit like playing with my hair. And yet for some reason, I never connected the dots on all of these. I treated each as an individual habit, instead of realizing that basically, each of these serves the same purpose - they all shrink me, making me as unobtrusive, as unnoticeable, as least ‘bothersome’ as possible. 

Physically, I’m making myself smaller and less noticeable by not looking at people, not feeling deserving of them looking at me, curling in my head and body like a turtle going into its shell. When I’m asking for permission or seeking approval, I’m basically saying that I’m not worthy enough of making my own decisions, I need to totally rely on someone else (this is definitely a codependency habit I’ve held onto from the past). Compliments and praise are difficult because they naturally mean that someone noticed me, and that means I’ve not fully become invisible. To be clear, criticism also means people have noticed me, so this isn’t an invitation for that. Trust me, I’m more of a critic of myself than you’ll ever be, so there’s no need. 

The thing is, I wasn’t always this way. Growing up and all the way through college, I was a competitive gymnast that constantly was up in front of others, in a leotard no less. (I didn’t love being judged, but I didn’t try to hide). I was a soloist in chorus all through middle school. I was the lead in my school play in elementary school. And while I realize that these might all seem like small deals, my point is, I wasn’t someone that always tried to become basically invisible. Not by any means. But somewhere along the way, I don’t know exactly when though I’m guessing it wasn’t one specific point in time but rather a slow process, I got the idea that it’s better if I wasn’t noticed. That I didn’t deserve to be noticed. That if people noticed anything positive about me, they must be wrong. I somehow convinced myself that I wasn’t worth believing in, and that it was best if even I didn’t believe in or trust myself. That it was best if I flew under the radar and was as little “trouble” to everyone as possible. 

Ironically, the only place I’ve ever felt comfortable is teaching classes. In my first job out of college I taught strength training and abs classes, step class (remember those!) and cycle classes, the latter which I continued to teach even after that job. More recently, I’ve been teaching barre and yoga and combo classes. And whether it’s in person or virtual, at a studio or a workplace or private session or any other teaching scenario, I’ve always felt comfortable. Even my very first yoga class that I taught to pass YTT - the minute I began teaching, I calmed down. It’s like I turn into a different person when teaching - one that doesn’t try to shrink or become invisible or mind being seen or needs permission to know what to do. I don’t know why this is. But I do know that I want to feel like this person more of the time. 

This isn’t going to be some “so I’m just going to decide to go for it and I’m going to transform my life” type of post. That’s not how life works in general, and that’s definitely not how life works for someone living with a mood cycling disorder, anxiety, social anxiety, in disordered eating recovery, with a history of trauma, and chronic low-self esteem/worth/confidence. But what I am doing is being present and noticing. I’m tuning in more to how I carry myself and my eye contact, where previously I didn’t even realize what I was doing until afterward. I’m noticing when I go to ask for permission or seek approval on trivial things, and checking in with myself - is this really something that requires approval or permission? If not, why am I asking it? Do I already actually know the answer or action to take?. I’m (working on) pausing when I am given a compliment or praise, so that hopefully instead of just brushing it off, denying it, or deflecting it in some super awkward manner, and I can instead maybe accept it and be grateful (this is also way more fair to the compliment/praise giver). I’m trying to tap into that piece of me that comes out when I’m on the mat teaching - that part of myself that can be in a situation in which I would normally try to disappear, but instead,to step into it, feel it, and move with it and through it. It’s going to be a process. It took me probably 10 plus years to get to this place, little by little, so while it hopefully doesn’t take me 10 years to get out of it, it’s not going to happen overnight. I don’t love that, but I need to be OK with it. Life, like yoga, is a process. And like that hip opener or back bend that you have a love-not love relationship with, it’s not always going to be comfortable. But it’s in that uncomfortable that the growth takes place. 

Coming Home To Ourselves (August Theme)

Photo credit: Aly Gaul

Over the past month or so, I’ve been re-examining yoga and my relationship to it. I’ve been taking a deeper look at the Eight Limbs of Yoga, working to educate myself further on yoga history and roots, and on introducing my classes and readers to this information. I’ve also been thinking about why we practice yoga, or at least historically, at its roots, why yoga was practiced. Basically, what is yoga really all about? 

The word yoga means “to yoke” or to join. For some, this could mean joining of the mind, body, and spirit that happens in yoga - or the combination of movement, breath, and focus/letting go. For others it could be the joining of people together (especially when practiced in a group setting, even virtually), reminding us that we’re part of a community or collective bigger than just our individual person. To me though, yoga is a process of coming back home to ourselves. It’s a practice through which we can join our “little s self” (the individual person) and our “Big S Self” (the “essense” of us that exists even beyond our individual self). Or if you’re a little unsure of this specific wording, think of the big S self as the piece of you that doesn’t feel quite tangible -it’s that part of you that you might feel connected to when you’re out in nature; that part of you that’s deeply moved by music or dance or song or some other form of expression; that you experience when you pause and take some quiet time for yourself and you’re able to look inward. 

As I’ve been delving further into the Eight Limb path, I’m seeing how each of these limbs may be a way in which people experience coming back to themselves. 

For some, it may be the Asana, the physical practice on the mat that most gets us back in touch with ourselves. By connecting with our bodies, our anatomy, and in linking breath and movement, we can strip away everything that’s happening in the outside world, even if for that hour or 75 minutes of class, or however long, and reconnect with the self. 

For others, it may be the breathwork, the pranayama that best helps us reconnect with the energy that flows through us, sustains us, that helps to calm the citta vritti - the fluctuations of the mind - and brings us back to ourselves on a deeper level. 

It may be in the meditation (Dhyana), in which we are fully present in that moment and in ourselves, not grasping on to anything from the outside world, not clinging to any thoughts or judgement.

In the Yamas and Niyamas, we’re practicing the way in which we interact with others/the outside world, and with ourselves (respectively). We may discern areas among these in which who we are at our core does not feel quite at ease with how we’re practicing, or not practicing, the Yamas and Niyamas.

Pratyahara helps us to turn our senses inward. By withdrawing one or more of the senses as they pertain to the outside world (for instance through blindfolds, ear plugs, etc), we can feel more of what’s happening internally. We can come back to that core of ourselves, that essence of ourselves that exists even without everything in the physical, the external. 

With Dharana, our concentration is focused on one specific point or object. It peels away everything else happening in the external world, and helps us to connect to something deeper, connecting with a deeper, less tangible version of ourselves. 

And there’s Samadhi. To me, and  I’ve heard this expressed by those with much more yoga knowledge than myself as well, Samadhi is the coming together of the other seven limbs. It’s not something that can necessarily be described in words, or even visualized/conceptualized fully. It’s that place in which, through the other seven limbs, our “self” and our “Self” are fully aligned, connected, virtually indistinguishable. Where the lines between the two blur, even if just briefly before they become separate again. It’s the place where we come home to ourselves. 

I realize that this concept might not feel super palatable or accessible, and that’s OK. I’ve done yoga for about fourteen years, spent a year in teacher training, and have been teaching others for a year, and I’m pretty confident I’ve never fully experienced this feeling of Samadhi, this fully coming home. But I have had the feeling of being something more than simply my physical, individual self, even if I haven’t fully grasped what exactly that “other” is. I’ve had that feeling of disturbance of self - that feeling where life feels like it just doesn’t quite fit you; like you’re walking around wearing someone else’s clothes that aren’t the right size, and even though you’re managing, you either feel like your being is lost swimming in them, or like they’re so tight they’re constraining you. I’ve had that feeling, as I’ve mentioned earlier, of being out in the expanse of nature, and realizing how small my individual self is, where for a moment or several, it feels as if myself as “Maya in this body” almost vanishes. 

I’ve also had that feeling when I step on the mat, or sit in meditation, or practice breath work, or when I’m working with any of the other limbs, where for even a little bit, I feel more like I fit with myself. I feel connected. I feel less like I’m “this individual that looks like this and thinks like this that’s been on this earth for 40 years”, and more like I’m something “bigger” (for lack of a better word”) than all of that. In those moments, I’m not this person in this situation with these thoughts that acts and moves and feels this way. In those moments, I just am. 

This month, I’m going to be working with this idea of coming home to ourselves. We may all experience it differently, and we may all be at different places in this journey. Wherever you are in your yoga journey - whether you’re just beginning, or you’ve been practicing for years, whether you began yoga for the physical movement or the focus on the breath and body and spirit, or to step back from the whirlwind of the world and connect with yourself, or if you’re somewhere else entirely - I invite you to join me in this coming home. 

I look forward to sharing practice, both the physical practice and all that yoga is, with you this month and beyond. 

A Closer Look At The Yamas

A couple of posts ago, I did an introduction to the Eight Limbs of yoga, and promised to delve a bit more deeply into them. I’ve also written previously (last year at some point) about the Yamas individually, in terms of my personal experience with them. But I thought I’d examine them again, in terms of everyday life, and some of the current societal issues we’re facing in 2020. As a reminder, the Yamas are loosely defined as “restraints” with others, or one could look at them as a guide in how we interact with others. I touched on this in my last post about yoga not being all light and love and good vibes, but I thought I’d go a little bit deeper here. 

Ahimsa: Non-harming, or non-violence

Of course, not physically harming people. I wish that would go without saying, but sadly, in so many instances it does not. But just because you aren’t physically harming someone doesn’t mean you’re practicing Ahimsa. It goes deeper than that. We can harm people with our words (saying harmful things either directly or indirectly) or our lack of words (not speaking out against wrongs, not supporting someone). We can harm people when we don’t believe them, don’t listen to them, or dismiss them or their experiences. We can harm someone by perpetuating stereotypes, biases, or misinformation. On a larger scale, we do harm when we support people, organizations, companies that do these. There’s this idea (in Western yoga/wellness) that Ahimsa is about “being nice”. But the issue with “being nice” is that nice often means not rocking the boat, not “causing a scene”, not confronting issues. Sometimes, the boat needs to be rocked. Sometimes we need to stand up against wrongs that are being done, against others or against ourselves. Sometimes, we do more harm by not speaking up and confronting situations (or people) than we do by not “being nice”. And that’s not Ahimsa. 

Satya - Honesty or Truthfulness

Again, it seems simple (at least I hope it does) - don’t lie. But it isn’t always that straightforward. How many times have you told someone that something’s fine, but it’s not. Or you’ve told someone that you’re “ok” when you’re not? (As someone living with chronic illnesses including mental health conditions, I admittedly do this often.) We might do this out of wanting to “protect” the other person, or not cause any type of discord, but if we do it enough, or if the issue is serious enough, it could have negative effects in the long run. Or, have you ever shared something you heard at work or on social media or with a friend that you weren’t entirely sure was true? The “oh I heard… did you hear?” around the office (or wherever) seems harmless enough, but especially if the information turns out not to be true, it can have harmful effects. And while Yamas are primarily regarding our interactions with others, there’s one that I want to address here that I think is important, especially right now - honesty with ourselves about biases, prejudices, preconceived ideas about people and situations. I add this in here because I feel that if we cannot be honest with ourselves, it’s impossible to be honest with others. We often need to take a long look at the internal to be able to take a deeper look at the external - aka the world and others in it.

Asteya - Non-stealing  

The first obvious place this comes up for me is cultural appropriation. Whether it’s the yoga and wellness world equating yoga to exclusive studios and $100 pants, or it’s taking another culture’s music, style, message, words, work, art, etc and turning it into your own without honoring and crediting (including openly acknowledging) the roots, it’s stealing. I acknowledge there can be a fine line between appropriation and appreciation, and appropriation isn’t always as obvious as “Namastay in Bed” tshirts. You may be trying to honor and understand the roots, and may have misinformation or not enough information. We don’t know what we don’t know, and until we learn further (often when someone from the culture points it out), we’re doing what we think is right. Furthermore, what one person from the culture of origin may think is appropriation, another may not. This doesn’t mean it’s OK to appropriate - it’s still harmful- it just acknowledges that appropriation isn’t always obvious or intentionally malicious. This is why, as yoga teachers, it’s always important to be students first and foremost. To always be learning, be open to knowing that we don’t know what we don’t know, be willing to listen to those who truly understand the roots and core of the practice, and to be willing to admit and then adjust the way we’ve been doing and thinking about things, where needed. 

In a non-yoga related example, asteya can be as simple as making sure you credit someone’s post or art or words on social media. Or if you’ve been introduced to an idea that sparked further thoughts, acknowledge this - or at least ask the original poster if they want you to acknowledge them by saying something like “my friend *insert name and maybe link to their site/post* posted about this and it got me thinking”.  (They may not want to be mentioned, and that should be honored too). There are plenty of other examples of ways that we steal without being obvious about it or possibly without even considering it stealing. To me, this is the Yama that can be the trickiest because it seems perhaps the most obvious  - just don’t steal stuff! But especially in a world of technology where everything is so easily shareable and accessible, in a world where cultures can cross and intermingle and the lines between appreciation and appropriation, between inspiring and innovating and stealing can feel blurred, it’s perhaps the yama that slips under the radar the most. 

Bramacharya - Right Use of Sexual Energy

Ah Bramacharya, everyone’s favorite yama to dive into, right?  There are some super obvious applications of this, such as “No means no, and only yes means yes”. This shouldn’t have to be reiterated in the 21st century, but sadly it does so, I’d be remiss not to state what should be the obvious. In the world of yoga leaders, this yama has been coming to the forefront all too often, in the form of teachers either not respecting personal boundaries of their students, or outright sexually assaulting them. It’s sickening, and it’s definitely something that the industry needs to become better about acknowledging and addressing. As a teacher, in addition to not doing the things stated above, it’s also about making sure that you ask permission for hands on assists and adjust, and that you’re adjusting in a manner that’s appropriate to what you’ve learned and for the setting/situation.  In life, it’s using common sense or what should be common sense. Don’t inappropriately comment on someone’s body. Don’t objectify others. Respect people’s boundaries. If you unknowingly overstep (because everyone’s boundaries and experience may be different and we can’t always know even if we try to), acknowledge and apologize, and most importantly, don’t overstep it again. 

Aparigraha - Non-Grasping

2020 has been, quite honestly, a mess. But it has been a massive lesson in aparigraha. Think back to January 1, when we ushered in not only a new year but a new decade. Despite the fact that there’s nothing about the start of a new year or decade that actually changes much in our day to day lives, it feels like it could. It feels full of possibility and potential. And yet a couple of months into the year, life was flipped on its head. Virtually nothing - especially nothing external - that we held on to, that we were used to, stayed the same. People have lost jobs that they’d had for years or decades. They can’t see family members or friends or loved ones that they’d previously seen regularly. Businesses that were staples of communities closed. People have lost family members or watched them struggle with illness. People that were seemingly in great health became ill and may still be dealing with effects. Everyone who wasn’t deemed essential more or less had to work from home. Many still are. For that matter, we had to let go of much of what we thought essential was, and redefine it. Many jobs we normally consider essential weren’t. We found out how many essential people we often overlooked. So much that we held on to, that we grasped onto as part of who we are and what our life is, is no longer a solid place in our life to grasp. 

Then there’s the social justice movements that are finally getting the attention from society that they deserve. The examination of ourselves and others, of ideas and beliefs, of institutions and companies and systems that we’ve had to dig deeper into. Our eyes are opening (meaning, we finally started listening) and realizing how much we didn’t know or understand. We have to stop grasping to what we thought we knew, ideas we’d learned as truths or facts, and begin to break them down and re-learn. As (white, western) yoga teachers (I include myself in this) we have to stop grasping at our idea of what yoga is, as we’ve learned in our world, and do a deeper dive into the roots, the culture, the history, the meaning, to understand what it really is. We then must work to make that transition not only in ourselves, but with our students, our practice, and our place in the yoga field as a whole. 

And those are just the 2020 biggies. Those aren’t the everyday things we grasp on to - the “but that’s how we’ve always done it” in our companies or families; the “this is the right way to do xyz” that we’re so sure is the only option that we don’t entertain others. This doesn’t include the everyday hanging onto what was, while missing what presently is -  whether it’s in the realm of friendships or relationships or life situations or job or family traditions or something else. In my own life, I encounter this type of grasping probably daily, and may not even realize it until I look closely. It’s important that we practice aparigraha or non-grasping when it comes to the big life events, or course. But it’s also important in these small day to day instances that make up our lives. If we’re always clinging to one thing, one way, one person, one situation, we don’t open ourselves up to possibility or change, or growth. 

I want to be clear that the Yamas, like all of yoga, are a process and a practice. Some days certain yamas may feel more tangible than others. We are all human, and just like you don’t have to be able to do every pose perfectly to practice yoga, the same is true for the Yamas. Some days we might feel great about our practice, and some days we may stumble a bit more. The Yamas are one of the eight limbs of yoga, and they help to guide us in everyday life, in our practice off the mat. I like the Yamas as an intro to the other Seven Limbs (besides Asana/poses), because they incorporate concepts that we are generally familiar with, and they expand on them. They help us dig deeper to understand what ideas that we are generally familiar with like “non-harming” and “honesty”. They also help us to see that principles we often consider to be simple on the surface can be more complex, and that we can often be acting counter to these principles without realizing it. They help us to see the way that we interact with the world, other people, and even ourselves, in a different light. 

It's Not All Love And Light And Good Vibes Only

In the (Western) world of Yoga and Wellness (and to be honest in life in general), all too often I come across people sharing posts and messages of “Good Vibes Only” and “Light & Love Only”. There are numerous versions of this, but whether you’re telling people to “look on the bright side” or “just think positive”, it’s all doing the same thing - discounting that people have painful or difficult experiences, because it makes you uncomfortable  hearing about it. 

Here’s the thing - life isn’t good vibes only. Good vibes only allows us to bypass the issues, to ignore people’s pain. Good vibes can’t cure a global pandemic or cancer or any chronic illness that so many of us live with daily. Good vibes only doesn’t allow you to dig deeper into social injustice, racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, because when you only look on the bright side, you’re turning away from anything that could be remotely difficult or painful for you to digest (and hopefully these are). And furthermore, you’re making other people’s pain and struggle about you - it’s more important that you experience only good vibes than that you look at what others are going through and try to understand, help, or at the bare minimum, acknowledge.

Our world, both individually and as a collective, is filled with struggles, with pain, with difficulty, with harmful and downright violent actions and thoughts. Yes, there is also beauty and love and kindness and joy and humans helping other humans. I’m not saying the good vibes don’t exist, and that being positive doesn’t have its place (I, too, have followed some of the “good news” types of accounts to counter the daily death toll numbers during the pandemic). I’m saying that they aren’t the only thing that exists, and we need to acknowledge that. Furthermore, as we’ve seen throughout the COVID pandemic, often we see this kindness and generosity and love in the midst of the struggle. We’ve watched as communities have come together (virtually or at a distance) to support each other, as people have donated and offered up services to help those in need, as hospital workers came out of retirement to help the ill. Often, it’s in seeing the struggles-  really seeing them, not just hitting the “like” button on social media - that encourages us to reconsider, to act, to examine our own selves, to step up into that place of love and kindness and generosity, to look at ourselves as part of the collective and not just an individual. If we “Good Vibes Only” it, we miss that opportunity because we refuse to really see and acknowledge what’s happening in the first place. 

To take this more into the yoga realm, I offer you the Yamas. 

• Ahimsa - non-violence or non-harming. When you deny or silence someone’s pain, struggle, or story by claiming “Good vibes only” or “only light & love here”, you are, in fact, causing them harm. Denying someone’s reality is, in my opinion, one of the most harmful things you can do. Furthermore, you may well be perpetuating further harm by not taking the time to listen, to address the issue, to see how you can help, to see if what you’re doing may be part of the larger issue. 

• Satya - Honesty or Truthfulness. I’m going to be blunt - it’s not honest or truthful to say that life is all good vibes, light, and love only. It might be your truth (though I doubt it, we’re all human), but take a quick glance at 2020 alone, and it’s startlingly clear that  it’s not everyone’s truth. 

• Asteya - Non-stealing. This could go several ways. Cultural appropriation and turning yoga into feel good, toxic positivity, for one. Stealing someone’s voice by not letting them share/bypassing their story that might not be all light and love and good, to name another.  

• Brahmacharya - Right use of sexual energy. Ok, so this one might not apply directly to your “good vibes only” actions. But when you’re all love and light and good vibes, when you’re not allowing discussion about, or acknowledging experience of, trauma and abuse and assault, that’s not upholding this yama. 

• Aparigraha: Non-grasping or non-clinging. People cling to their “good vibes only”, their “light and love only”, and there’s no room for the other pieces of life (which, if we’re honest, make up much of it). People are clinging so much to their idea of what yoga is that they aren’t open digging deeper, to learning what yoga truly is, to delve into the places that aren’t all light, to the places where we often learn and grow the most. 

To be clear, I have nothing against love and light in themselves. I have nothing against positive outlooks or vibes or whatever you want to call them, when used appropriately. But when they’re used as toxic positivity to avoid or invalidate or silence other’s pain and suffering, or when they’re used as spiritual bypassing to avoid doing the internal work, that’s where it becomes dangerous. It allows us to avoid looking at and acknowledging realities in the world and in ourselves, and that often leads to perpetuated cycles of everything from cultural appropriation to social injustice and yes, even to things like the pandemic, because if we can’t look at the dark pieces (say, hundreds of thousands of people dying around the world), we won’t see the damage being caused and we won’t know how to do our part in keep it from continuing. 

An Intro To The Eight Limbs of Yoga

In last week’s post, I wrote about how yoga is not (solely) about the pose, but how asana, or postures, are just one of the Eight Limbs of Yoga. For further clarification, even Asana isn’t really about the pose, in that it’s not about getting into the perfect handstand or being able to fold in half to touch your toes. It’s about how we use the physical practice as a way to connect back with ourselves - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Personally, and this isn’t yoga philosophy as written in books but my own thoughts and experience, it’s also the piece that most easily allows us to see and feel ourselves as part of the collective, as part of something bigger. When you take a yoga class, and you’re all moving and breathing and flowing together, the individual self can seem to fade, even if just a tiny bit. Whether it’s simply a sense of community or it helps you connect to something bigger on a deeper, more spiritual level, it’s there. And while you can certainly access this with the other limbs, asana - especially in the form of group classes (even virtual ones)- feels like it makes this especially accessible, at least to me. 

So with that said, Asana or poses, as much as we enjoy them, are just one limb of the Eight-Limb Path of Yoga detailed in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra. As I begin to weave yoga philosophy and the roots of yoga more into my work as a teacher, I thought that introducing the other seven limbs was a good place to start. In fact, I’ve introduced two of the limbs previously in my blog here, and if you have been following along for a while, you may recognize them. 

1. Yamas: I learned Yamas as “restraints with others”, but if that sounds a little too negative/severe for you, they’re basically guidelines for how we interact with others and the world around us. The five Yamas are:

• Ahimsa - Non-harming or non-violence

• Satya - Truthfulness

• Asteya - Non-stealing

• Brahmacharya - Right use of energy, often translated as right use of sexual energy 

• Aparigraha - Non-grasping

2. Niyamas: Loosely translated as “restraints with self”, or practices with the self. 

• Sauca - Purity or cleanliness, both inside and out

• Santosha - Contentment

• Tapas - Discipline or practice

• Svadhyaya -  Self-study through ancient texts

• Ishvara Pranidhana - Becoming attuned to your version of god/creator/spirit

3. Pranayama: Breathwork or breath control. Prana is actually translated as energy, and breath is the vehicle for prana. 

4. Asana: Physical postures. This is where the yoga poses come in. 

5. Pratyahara. Withdrawal or control of the senses. Examples of this would be a blindfold or ear plugs, to lessen/withdraw vision or hearing and allowing yourself to focus internally instead of on the senses. 

6. Dhyana: Focused concentration. For instance, staring at the flame of a candle, letting everything else fade into the background. 

7. Dharana: Loosely translated as meditation.

8. Samadhi: I’ve learned several definitions. One is “bliss”. Samadhi literally translates into “to bring together”, which is actually quite close to the definition for yoga, which is “to yoke”. Samadhi is when we no longer can differentiate between ourselves as an individual, and ourselves as part of the whole.  

Please know that these are simplified translations to try to make it as accessible as possible. Also know that these are topics that we covered throughout 200 hours/approximately nine months of yoga teacher training, and I don’t expect anyone to read this and think “ah ok, the eight-fold path, now I get it!”. I will delve into these deeper in future posts on this blog, on social media, or both. I have already done some blogs on my personal experiences with the yamas and niyamas (you’re welcome to read back, or if you’re interested in any in particular, reach out and I’ll send you the link).  I plan to address them again in relation not just to myself and my life, but how we can use them in accordance with current societal issues and life in the 21st century in general. The main reason for this post was to bring to light the other seven limbs of yoga, for those that may not have been familiar with them, and to give a starting point to explore these further. If you have any questions, as always, feel free to reach out!