How Intentionally Do You Speak To Yourself?

Last week, I wrote about intentionality in communication. And in particular, intentionality in communication with others. This week, I’d like to focus on a topic particularly near and dear to my heart - intentionality in our own self-talk. Whether it’s actually saying it out loud, or communicating it to ourselves through thought, I’d venture to guess that many of us speak significantly worse to ourselves, possibly without even realizing it (i.e. without intentionality) than we do to those around us - especially those around us that we value and respect. 

Raise your hand if you’ve if the following phrases sound familiar at all about your yoga practice: 

• I’ll never be able to do that pose (insert impossible-seeming pose here)!

• If I were more flexible/stronger/taller/shorter/thinner/more muscular/etc ….

• I’m no good at that pose/style of yoga/type of activity 

Or off the mat

• I’m not successful/I’ll never be successful  (Or basically anything that downplays your abilities/capabilities/accomplishments).

• I’m no good at …. (insert anything)

• “Oh I’m such an idiot!/So stupid!/So clumsy!/Insert insult you’d probably never say to your loved one in seriousness. 

These are a few of countless examples of negative ways in which many of us speak to ourselves. And often, we do it without even thinking about it. We state/think these as facts, or possibly as self-deprecating remarks, and often we do so repeatedly without giving it a second thought - literally.  

And don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the ability to laugh at ourselves and to know our own selves and be comfortable with that. I’m able to say with confidence that at 5’0, I’ll probably never be able to dunk a basketball in a regular height net, and I’m totally OK with that. But that’s me looking at the evidence - my height, the height of net, and general body dynamics, and coming to a conclusion that I find perfectly acceptable, because I honestly have no desire to be able to dunk a basketball. But all too often, this negative talk is about something we do care about, whether in yoga or in life. It’s about a pose that we’ve been practicing, or practicing prep for because we hope to get into said pose one day. It’s about a relationship or a friendship. It’s about a type of workout or activity. It’s about a career or goal or dream. Or it’s simply diving into random name calling at ourselves when we do something we don’t approve of, despite the fact that we’d never do so if it was our friend or loved one that took the same action. 

I’d venture to guess that if we paused a moment and thought about it, these aren’t the types of messages that we want to be giving ourselves. They aren’t intentional thoughts that we practice. They come out of seemingly nowhere, and yet they’re often all too familiar. We often don’t think to question them, and if we do, it may be half-hearted. We don’t sit down and actually pick through the evidence and create a convincing case to ourselves of why we can be successful  or could get into that pose or are not an idiot/clumsy/etc. Instead, we often bypass it with some positive affirmation we saw or heard somewhere or were told we should practice. Which, to be clear, is not at all what I’m suggesting. 

What I’m suggesting instead is, as I’ve stated with each post about intentionality, to have a why, a purpose to the way we speak to ourselves. And unless your why is to berate and discourage yourself, (I sincerely hope that it’s not), then phrases such as those above are not spoken/thought with intentionality. So what are some ways we can speak to ourselves intentionally? We can use the same questions as we did for communicating with others:

• Why are you saying what you’re saying? (Tip: “Because it’s true” isn’t a default answer I’d suggest. Especially when emotions are running high, or when we’re feeling particularly discouraged, or when we’re struggling with something, we can easily find “evidence” to support our claim that it’s true). 

• Is this the right time/place to communicate this? In the Communication post, I suggested taking into account the other person’s situation, preferences, etc. In this post, I invite you to take into account your own. This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult thoughts or emotions. But reminding yourself about all of the times you “failed” right before you go up to give a big presentation or for an important job interview isn’t the best time. Yes, we have to be honest with ourselves, but there’s a time and a place to dig into the difficult thoughts and feelings, and that time and place isn’t always right now.

• Am I communicating this in the best way possible? Here, assuming you aren’t calling or texting yourself negative things about yourself, I’m not talking about the actual communication modality - or at least not quite. Instead, I'm suggesting you look at the word choice, the “tone of voice” even if it’s internal (yes, our internal voice can have a tone). And sometimes, it might be the way in which it’s communicated. Maybe instead of having an internal conversation with yourself, you’d be better processing it through writing, or sitting with it in meditation, or some other method that helps you process.

• Am I being fully present during this communication? It’s honestly incredibly difficult to be fully present if you’re stewing in your head or ruminating or calling yourself a torrent of names. Just as arguments with others get away from us, our own self-talk can quickly snowball. Often, we stop being present in the actual circumstances, and as I mentioned above, we can almost always find proof of what our brain has decided is true. 

So this week, I invite you to think about how intentionally you speak to yourself. Whether it’s about your yoga practice or, if you’re a teacher, about your classes/sessions/yoga business, or it’s everyday life, take note of your self-talk. Are you being intentional? What is your why for the things that you say to yourself, and the way that you say them? Is it possible you’re repeating an old story, almost on auto-pilot, that your brain likes to rehash without actual proof? And then perhaps see how you can take a pause, and make that communication with yourself more intentional. 

Letting Go of the "Full Expression of the Pose" - In Yoga and Life

Pavritta Konasa - I have no delusions of being able to grab my foot with my top hand, and that’s completely OK. This is my “full expression” of the pose at the moment.

In yoga, you’ll often hear the phrase “full expression of the pose”. It’s a phrase that I’ve both caught myself saying, probably because I’ve heard it so often that it sometimes slips out, and also a phrase I don’t love and try to correct when I accidentally say it. The “full expression” basically means “how the pose looks if every arm/leg/foot/hand/body part” is where yoga guidelines, or at least that particular yoga type, indicates it would be. (Very rough translation of the phrase, by the way). And I get that there have to be some guidelines that indicate what a pose ideally looks like, as it gives a starting point, helps us to work into proper alignment, and provides us with an image of what we’re generally trying to make our bodies do. Without this, it would virtually be a game of Simon says, telling people where to put this arm and that leg, which obviously is not what we’re aiming for in teaching yoga. But we also talk often in yoga about meeting yourself where you are. About there being no right way to be a yogi, about it being a process, about it being for everybody and every BODY.  So I don’t love the idea of saying “be fine with wherever you are right now” and then following it up with “and here’s how it should ideally look”. (Note: obviously if someone is doing something unsafe, that’s a different story, as safety has to be a priority). 

So with October’s theme of letting go, I’m inviting you to let go of this idea of the “full expression of the pose” as we’ve traditionally used it in yoga. Instead of thinking of the full expression of the pose as this ideal version of a pose where everything is perfectly aligned, what if we think of it as “OUR full expression of the pose” at this moment. Like for me, right now my full expression of Pavritta Konasana (revolved wide legged forward bend) pictured above, does not involve my top hand reaching anywhere near my flexed foot. Sure, I could maybe reach closer to my foot if I contorted my body and focused on hand to foot at all costs, but it would involve me crunching my ribs/belly/everything else, instead of opening up the chest and side body. I’d be missing the intention of the pose, the reason we do this particular asana in the first place. So, at least for the time being, the version pictured above is my full expression of the pose. And in fact, if I allow the “full expression as it is to me” to be a bit of a fluid or moving target, it helps keep me more motivated to continue to work in the pose. Instead of trying to get to some ideal, I’m working on small adjustments in my body that, over time, might help me feel more comfortable in the pose and adjust as needed to my body and what serves me best on any given day. It allows me to truly meet myself where I am, instead of “meeting myself where I am but really aiming for xyz.”

And we don’t just do this in yoga; we do it in life. A perfect example is the novel I published this past summer. It’s my first novel, and I’m incredibly proud. Still, at first, whenever anyone said something like “Wow you published a novel!” I would reply with a joke like, “Well,  I mean, it’s self-published, so, not like they could turn me down really….”. Basically, I concluded that I wasn’t the “fullest expression of a published author” because of the publishing route I’d taken. And in doing so, it dismissed all the work and creativity and effort I put into it. It dismissed the fact that I have a novel on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, that I have a paperback with my name on it that I can hold in my hands, that numerous friends and family ordered and read and enjoyed, simply because I didn’t view it as the “fullest expression” of being the author of a published novel. But several months into having my book out in the world, I’ve let go of this idea.  Now, when people ask me who my publisher is, I give the name of the company I used to self-publish. If they ask further details, I tell them about it, and I’m happy to tell them it’s a self-publishing company, not because I’m diminishing my accomplishment, but because I am a big supporter of both the company and the self-publishing industry, because I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I want to share with others that it’s not one size fits all, that there’s not one “fullest expression” of being a published author, and to perhaps encourage them, if they’re thinking about publishing their work, to consider all “expressions of the pose”, as it were. 

And so, whether it's an actual yoga pose, or an area in your life where you diminish your accomplishments because you feel it doesn’t meet the ideal criteria, I encourage you to let go of that “fullest expression of the pose”. I encourage you, instead, to focus on what feels good about what you’re doing, where you feel accomplished in it. And of course it’s great to have goals that you work towards, both in yoga and in life. But they should be goals that you want to work towards because you want to work towards them - not because someone else has decided that it’s the ideal point for you to get to, or that you’re not “fully there” if you don’t meet those expectations.

September Theme: Connecting

Happy September! September is a particularly exciting month for me. It’s my birth month, and this year’s a big one - I turn 40! But that aside, I love this month for numerous reasons. It’s the start of fall. A time of transition - both in seasons, and in life. It’s the season in which we begin planning for the upcoming year. It’s a particularly earth-and-nature-focused season - leaves change color and begin to fall from the trees. We go apple and pumpkin picking. We take hayrides and sit around the fire pit with friends. It’s the perfect season for hiking and other outdoor activities that can be a little rough during the hot, humid summer. As it gets cooler, we put on more layers. We curl under blankets. This all feels super grounding,and I love it. 

For me, I also connect more with myself. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s my birth month, and that always makes me reflect and look forward and look inward, and basically just look everywhere. It’s a time for me to think about what I want to do/be/experience in the next 365 days. It’s a time to consider what changes and adjustments I want to work on, what paths I want to explore. 

And so, my theme for the month of September is Connecting. Whatever that means to you. Maybe it’s connecting with your yoga/wellness practice(s). Maybe it’s grounding, connecting through the earth, whether that’s being out in nature or sitting in meditation or some other way. Perhaps it’s connect with each other, with friends and family. Or connecting with yourself. It may several or even all of these. 

Throughout September, I’ll be posting and sharing about connection. And because we’re each different, because we each connect in our own ways, I’d love to hear what makes you feel most connected, too! 

July Theme - Patience and Process

Happy July! I hope you had a fantastic June, and thanks for being part of my first full official month as a yoga teacher and business. As I’ve written about, June’s theme was growing. We were getting into summer and growing our gardens. The days were growing longer. We were growing our connection with family and friends as we move into summer/vacation/outdoor gathering/etc mode. I was (and of course, still am) growing my website, my yoga business, and everything that goes along with it. I also focused on a lot of internal growth. In June, I began working a lot more with intentionality. I began focusing on being more conscious of what was going on around me, what I was doing in the moment. I began paying more attention to input from my senses - sights, sounds, the feel of the environment, smells (not always the best focus!), really consciously tasting food. I also have been working to focus on one task/activity/item at a time. It’s tough in this society of alerts and pings and texts and everything else, and I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better at it, I think. 

For July, I decided to have a dual focus, because for me, they go together nicely: Patience and Process. I’ll be real - patience is a virtue…. That I don’t have a ton of. To be clear, I have patience with people. I don’t tend to have patience with myself, especially when it comes to process. I tend to want to teleport from starting line to end result, and I don’t give myself nearly enough credit for the steps in between. In yoga class, this could be the frustration of struggling to get my body to move a certain way. I’ll work and work at something, and it’s often tough for me to notice the small improvements, if I’m still struggling with range of motion or pain in a certain position and I have to get myself out of it. (Note: don’t stay in a pose that’s causing any pain that’s not a stretching kind of pain. Yoga should not be acutely pain-inducing!). 

More often though, it’s the life process I’m not great with. For instance, in the past two months, I’ve graduated yoga teacher training, gotten my RYT-200 designation, secured a private client, gotten on a sub list at a studio, am scheduled to teach two donation based community classes for Charity at The Grant Building, and recently found out that I’ve been approved for a weekly benefit class for an organization, which I can’t yet share details of yet but am super excited about! And yet my brain is over here thinking that it’s not enough, because I haven’t miraculously in 1.5 months managed to start a full-fledged business that can pay the bills. Except that in reality, less than two months ago, I wasn’t even officially a yoga teacher!  

For me, it stems from a combination of anxiety and my general personality - the J part of my INFJ is associated with always planning for the next stage, always looking for the next steps, the next experience, the next adventure. And we can only really change so much about our inherent personality, so I’ll probably always be someone that works better knowing the plan, the next steps, working towards the next stage. But I’m trying to also help myself realize that the smaller pieces of the process, the baby steps, are still steps. They’re still part of that plan, that moving towards the next stage, and they’re necessary. And so I’m working on celebrating process, and having patience with it. It fits well into my intentional living focus, to notice all that’s going on right now, instead of jumping ahead to next, next next. 

I’ll be posting, blogging, sharing about patience and process throughout the month, both here and on my twitter and instagram. And if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear about the processes that you're working with and celebrating this month! 

This pose is a process for me, as you can see by my back foot turning in, and my elbow not quite hooking over my knee. And that’s all OK. I keep working on it. Sometimes it’s a little easier. Sometimes, I look like I’m taking yoga selfies in my pajamas with less than perfect form.

Monthly Focus: Growing

I’ve been thinking lately about how to organize the content of this blog. My business/site encompasses numerous aspects, and I want to try to tie things together as much as I can, because I truly feel each of these areas interacts with the others in some way, or at least they all have the potential to. So I’ve decided that each month, I’m going to focus on a theme. Or at least I’m going to give this a go and see how it plays out (hey, you’ll find nothing but honesty here!).  For this first month, since I’m releasing my blog mid-to-late month, this will be the “monthly plus a week and a half-ish” theme (also known as the rest of May and through June).

For this month’s theme, I chose Growing. Quite simply, seems like it fits. I’m premiering this site and my business in the end of spring as we head towards summer, and spring is the season of growth. Additionally, I’ve spent the last 9ish months in Yoga Teacher Training, and if you’ve never been through yoga teacher training, I can attest to the fact that not only do you grow your yoga knowledge immensely, but there’s a significant amount of personal/internal growth as well. And of course, now that I’ve graduated and am starting my business, I’ll be growing that.

Growth can take so many forms. We can grow our food. We can help children grow. We can expand our knowledge, our interests, our skill sets. We can grow in relationships, friendships, careers. And we can grow within ourselves. We can delve deep and get to know ourselves better, become completely (but kindly) honest with ourselves about the good, the “not so great” (i.e. the areas we’d like to work on), the quirky, the beautiful, the messy, the quirky and messy and beautiful (side note: I think this is where many of us fall). Or maybe our internal growth is more subtle. Maybe every day we take five minutes to meditate or to be in alone in nature or to do something for someone else or to do something kind for ourselves or connect with another being or tap into our creativity. Maybe it’s this small gesture each day or each week that we don’t even realize is having an impact, and then one day we suddenly feel different, even if we can’t say exactly how. We notice a subtle shift.

However you choose to focus on growth, I’m going to be right there alongside you (figuratively, unless you’re taking class or doing sessions with me, then literally), probably doing some combination of the above. And of course, I’m always here to kick around ideas or inspiration or motivation. And if you want to focus on your growth through yoga or wellness or travel or writing or anything related to what I do here in my business, well, of course I’m here for that too!

Happy Late Spring!

Maya