2019 - A Year in Review

This post was inspired by a friend who did “year in review” type post that resonated with me (in quotes because I’m not going to label/categorize someone else’s post for them). At the time I read the original post, I decided to write down my own list, but I wasn’t ready to share it yet. I’m not sure why exactly - most likely because I’m the world’s worst with sharing accomplishments. It’s always made me feel super uncomfortable. But, I decided as I go into this new year and decade that my goal is to get uncomfortable - not in the “I’m in physical pain/ill but I’m going to just tough it out” uncomfortable (though with chronic illness I do plenty of that at times), but in the “I’m afraid I’ll fail/be rejected/not succeed/people will think thoughts about me that I don’t like” uncomfortable. Because ultimately, that ability to be uncomfortable often means growth. And I’m all about growth, so here it goes.

2019 was an interesting year. An eventful year. I turned 40 in September which, while a milestone, wasn’t actually all that difficult for me. I like new beginnings, and it felt like one in a way - new decade and all that. I was excited to see what my 40th year would hold, and I continue to be so. 

I also had one of my toughest years illness wise. Depression was a frequent companion. It hung around like a house guest you never really wanted in the first place but that just won’t get the hint that they’re now massively overstaying. Anxiety wasn’t far behind. Arthritis became significantly more painful and disrupted my sleep. I’ve had weird numbness in my extremities that I still can’t explain. I spent a lot of time feeling misunderstood or not understood, disconnected and isolated despite being surrounded, in real life and virtually, by people. Lack of connection is my kryptonite, and I felt a lot of that this year. But I also had the chance to be part of several communities which, despite being a socially anxious introvert, I need. More than I often let on, though I’ve started being more vocal about this. It’s easy for people to think, when you enjoy spending time on your own, that you don't want or need that connection. That couldn’t be further from the truth for me, but nobody can know that if I don’t actually tell them, so I began doing so. It’s helped a little. It’s a work in progress, though I guess that can be said about most of life. And despite being a difficult year emotionally, mentally, and physically, I had some amazing experiences too. 

Yoga

2019 was the Year of Yoga for me. In May, I graduated from yoga teacher training and became a certified RYT-200 yoga teacher.  Just as importantly, I was part of the YTT community with twelve of the most beautiful souls that I’ve ever me, who will always be my YTT sisters.  Since graduating, I’ve taught and/or subbed at three different studios. I also began teaching a weekly Barre class at one of the studios, which I’ll continue to do into 2020. I gained my first private client, who happens to be a relative, but I’m still counting it because you have to start somewhere. I also started my first yoga benefit program - I’m teaching a weekly class at a law firm, though it’s open to the public, and proceeds benefit Kids’ Chance of New Jersey. In September, I enrolled in a Yoga for Parkinson’s Disease training/certification, and am in the process of completing that.   

Novel

Perhaps the most surprising accomplishment of 2019 was the publication of my first novel, Johanna’s Secret. The novel itself wasn’t a surprise - I’d written it (actually hand-written, paper and pen style) several years ago, then typed it up  after that. And then I sat on it for years, showing nobody. I finally showed it to my dad, who’s a writer and editor, several years ago, but still, I did nothing else with it. In early 2019, I saw that a travel client and friend of mine worked for a self-publishing company, which happened to be based in the town I grew up in, and I decided that this was way too coincidental for me not to take a chance on it. I reached out to her to begin the process, and my first novel was published in July. 

In October, I exhibited at the Collingswood Book fair, which was even more nerve wracking. I’m good behind the pages of a book or a screen. Putting myself out there and talking about my book to strangers (and having to make eye contact) and hoping they’d buy it was terrifying. But I did it, I actually sold some books, and I got to see friends who were at the festival which was an added bonus. All in all it was a great experience and while I rarely say this, I’m honestly damn proud of myself for this  one, because it definitely required me getting into my uncomfortable zone. 

Mental Health Advocacy and Spread Hope Project

I admittedly didn’t get to do as much with either of these as I’d hoped, but I did spend some time working on refining and readjusting my focus here, in particular with SHP. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote this post regarding a major goal that I want to work on for Spread Hope Project, which combines my passion for advocacy, helping others, yoga (in particular, benefit yoga), and travel. 

In terms of advocacy, I was interviewed on the Voices for Change 2.0 podcast. Public speaking of any kind, even on a podcast, is not in my comfort zone, so this was a biggie for me. I’m super grateful to Rebecca and Joe for giving me the opportunity to be on the show and speak about mental health. I also traveled to Boston to complete my 6th Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention and raised over $1000 for the cause. This past month, I signed up for the 2020 walk and began fundraising. 

Personal Development

Personal development was a huge focus for me this year. I began a deep dive into a lot of strongly held patterns and beliefs, some rooted in past trauma, others intensified by depression and anxiety, which affect a whole host of beliefs about myself, including my self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem (or lack thereof). I acknowledged tendencies,  beliefs, and behaviors that I know are holding me back, and I began the painful process of working through them. December in particular was spent possibly more in tears than not in tears, not so much with sadness (though that too) but with the beginnings of the healing process. Of everything I’ve worked on this year, I believe this to be the most important. It’s also the most raw, and the one that I am most acutely aware of on a daily basis. It’s a long process, with lots of baby steps, but I’m ok with that. Each day is progress. I joined an online coaching group, which I’ll continue into the new year. I also solidified a morning routine and am working on solidifying a pre-bed routine that help me in this process. 

Travel

This is the first year in recent memory that I didn’t travel out of the country at all. But I did get to do more domestic travel than usual, including a 10-day road trip through New England, where I fell in love with a B&B in Burlington, VT, and cannot wait to go back to. Plus, my family began prepping for our bi-annual “family reunion” trip, which will be to Sedona, AZ in June 2020. Also, two weeks ago I found out that the annual conference I usually attend will be held in Dubrovnik, Croatia in 2020, and my mind is already spinning with ideas for turning this into a longer trip. It’s not until December 2020, but I’m ridiculously excited. I haven’t been to Croatia since 2006, and I’m hoping to add in some cities/countries that I’ve not explored before. 

Music

Those that know me well know that connecting through music - to myself, to others, to the world at large - is huge to me. I especially love live music, despite my general dislike of too-peoply situations. I went to a good number of shows this year, crossed several artists off my concert bucket list, relived the 90s several times with revival type tours of bands that were big when I was in high school, saw my first show at the Met in Philadelphia (it was Amos Lee, and everything about this was incredible), and finally saw my future cousin-in-law’s band, Wild Adriatic, play not once but twice. I went to XPN Fest again,a festival which I try to ensure I never miss, and it didn’t disappoint. A friend and I spent the weekend at the Warped Tour 25th anniversary, which was considerably tamer than it used to be and therefore just right for this 40-year-old that’s usually in bed by 9:30PM. We got to hang out on the beach for two days and listen to punk music and relive our younger days and spend time together and it was amazing. For my birthday, a friend surprised me with tickets for Hella Mega Tour which isn’t until next August but we’re already super excited (also, so much love to amazing friends that do things like this!). To be fair, I know that going to concerts and getting gifted tickets isn’t exactly an “accomplishment” but music is hugely important to me, and therefore deserved to be included in this post. 

I think that’s it.  Or rather, I’m sure there’s more, but these are the biggies, and this post is already super long. I’m looking forward to 2020. It’s a new decade, and the first year I’ll actually start while in my 40s, which somehow feels like it’s important, though I’m not sure why. I’m excited to see what it holds, and I *think* (hope?) I’m a little more prepared to deal with the struggles, as I continue to dig deep and work on myself. Most of all, I hope that I can look back at the end of 2020, as I am now looking at 2019, and see that despite all of the struggles, I’ve actually come quite far. 

Happy New Year all. See you in 2020!