How Intentionally Do You Speak To Yourself?
/Last week, I wrote about intentionality in communication. And in particular, intentionality in communication with others. This week, I’d like to focus on a topic particularly near and dear to my heart - intentionality in our own self-talk. Whether it’s actually saying it out loud, or communicating it to ourselves through thought, I’d venture to guess that many of us speak significantly worse to ourselves, possibly without even realizing it (i.e. without intentionality) than we do to those around us - especially those around us that we value and respect.
Raise your hand if you’ve if the following phrases sound familiar at all about your yoga practice:
I’ll never be able to do that pose (insert impossible-seeming pose here)!
If I were more flexible/stronger/taller/shorter/thinner/more muscular/etc ….
I’m no good at that pose/style of yoga/type of activity
Or off the mat
I’m not successful/I’ll never be successful (Or basically anything that downplays your abilities/capabilities/accomplishments).
I’m no good at …. (insert anything)
“Oh I’m such an idiot!/So stupid!/So clumsy!/Insert insult you’d probably never say to your loved one in seriousness.
These are a few of countless examples of negative ways in which many of us speak to ourselves. And often, we do it without even thinking about it. We state/think these as facts, or possibly as self-deprecating remarks, and often we do so repeatedly without giving it a second thought - literally.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the ability to laugh at ourselves and to know our own selves and be comfortable with that. I’m able to say with confidence that at 5’0, I’ll probably never be able to dunk a basketball in a regular height net, and I’m totally OK with that. But that’s me looking at the evidence - my height, the height of net, and general body dynamics, and coming to a conclusion that I find perfectly acceptable, because I honestly have no desire to be able to dunk a basketball. But all too often, this negative talk is about something we do care about, whether in yoga or in life. It’s about a pose that we’ve been practicing, or practicing prep for because we hope to get into said pose one day. It’s about a relationship or a friendship. It’s about a type of workout or activity. It’s about a career or goal or dream. Or it’s simply diving into random name calling at ourselves when we do something we don’t approve of, despite the fact that we’d never do so if it was our friend or loved one that took the same action.
I’d venture to guess that if we paused a moment and thought about it, these aren’t the types of messages that we want to be giving ourselves. They aren’t intentional thoughts that we practice. They come out of seemingly nowhere, and yet they’re often all too familiar. We often don’t think to question them, and if we do, it may be half-hearted. We don’t sit down and actually pick through the evidence and create a convincing case to ourselves of why we can be successful or could get into that pose or are not an idiot/clumsy/etc. Instead, we often bypass it with some positive affirmation we saw or heard somewhere or were told we should practice. Which, to be clear, is not at all what I’m suggesting.
What I’m suggesting instead is, as I’ve stated with each post about intentionality, to have a why, a purpose to the way we speak to ourselves. And unless your why is to berate and discourage yourself, (I sincerely hope that it’s not), then phrases such as those above are not spoken/thought with intentionality. So what are some ways we can speak to ourselves intentionally? We can use the same questions as we did for communicating with others:
Why are you saying what you’re saying? (Tip: “Because it’s true” isn’t a default answer I’d suggest. Especially when emotions are running high, or when we’re feeling particularly discouraged, or when we’re struggling with something, we can easily find “evidence” to support our claim that it’s true).
Is this the right time/place to communicate this? In the Communication post, I suggested taking into account the other person’s situation, preferences, etc. In this post, I invite you to take into account your own. This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult thoughts or emotions. But reminding yourself about all of the times you “failed” right before you go up to give a big presentation or for an important job interview isn’t the best time. Yes, we have to be honest with ourselves, but there’s a time and a place to dig into the difficult thoughts and feelings, and that time and place isn’t always right now.
Am I communicating this in the best way possible? Here, assuming you aren’t calling or texting yourself negative things about yourself, I’m not talking about the actual communication modality - or at least not quite. Instead, I'm suggesting you look at the word choice, the “tone of voice” even if it’s internal (yes, our internal voice can have a tone). And sometimes, it might be the way in which it’s communicated. Maybe instead of having an internal conversation with yourself, you’d be better processing it through writing, or sitting with it in meditation, or some other method that helps you process.
Am I being fully present during this communication? It’s honestly incredibly difficult to be fully present if you’re stewing in your head or ruminating or calling yourself a torrent of names. Just as arguments with others get away from us, our own self-talk can quickly snowball. Often, we stop being present in the actual circumstances, and as I mentioned above, we can almost always find proof of what our brain has decided is true.
So this week, I invite you to think about how intentionally you speak to yourself. Whether it’s about your yoga practice or, if you’re a teacher, about your classes/sessions/yoga business, or it’s everyday life, take note of your self-talk. Are you being intentional? What is your why for the things that you say to yourself, and the way that you say them? Is it possible you’re repeating an old story, almost on auto-pilot, that your brain likes to rehash without actual proof? And then perhaps see how you can take a pause, and make that communication with yourself more intentional.
