Yoga Is Not About the Pose

This past month or so, I’ve been pausing in posting on social media and this blog to do some of my own internal work, yoga study, and adjustments. One of the aspects that I’ve been contemplating and working on  is the idea of what yoga is, and how yoga (like so much in the wellness industry here in the US) has gotten away from its roots. In some ways, this diversion is obvious - cultural appropriation in the form of T-shirts with sayings like “Namastay In Bed” and massively edited Instagram photos of impossible-looking poses on the beach in bikinis, just to name a couple of examples. Yoga, at its roots, in no way requires you to be model thin and tall wearing expensive name brand attire, but you’d never know that from looking at the advertisements for many studio promotions or brands that cater to the industry. There’s the fact that yoga these days is generally expensive, which makes it exclusive (I’m not saying we shouldn’t pay teachers, we should! But there are ways in which you can afford to pay teachers and have more affordable and inclusive options). In other ways, the distancing from the roots is less obvious to those that haven’t studied yoga - the shift towards the physical postures being thought of as “what yoga is”, instead of them being one of the many pieces of yoga. Yoga these days is seen as a thing that you do in a place on a mat, instead of a way of being.

Before I continue, I want to be clear here about a few things: 

1.) I’m not saying that the physical practice isn’t important. Asana, or physical postures, is one of the Eight Limbs of Yoga, which I’ll discuss further in another post. But the fact that it’s one of eight means it’s one eighth of the total practice of yoga and yet it’s often looked at as all of yoga. 

2.) I’m by no means putting the blame for this divergence on students who enjoy coming to the classes because they enjoy the physical practice. There are plenty of things that I enjoy doing, that I might go take a class or do an online class for, and I don’t spend time in deep study of the roots of the practice before doing so. I hear about it, I try it, and if it’s a practice I do with a teacher, I assume that the teacher will share these important pieces - the roots, the culture, the history, etc with me. Sure, if I get a taste of this information, I might look into it more. But as a teacher I by no means expect my students to spend their weekends reading ancient texts in order to take a yoga class, and if any part of yoga helps you in any way, than I’m glad that it’s doing so. 

3.) I do understand that things evolve over time, and I don’t expect that our yoga practice in 21st century America will be exactly as it was practiced in India several thousand years ago.

With that said, we’ve gotten far from the roots of yoga, even taking into account the evolution of time, location (it’s practice across the globe now), innovation (i.e. we’re all teaching online these days with COVID), and the like. And as a teacher, I feel it’s my responsibility to do more to get back to these roots, to share these with my students, to realize that I don’t know what I don’t know, and to do what I can to resolve that through study and through listening to those who do have a deeper connection to and understanding of what yoga truly is. As a teacher, it is my job to first and foremost always be a student.  And so I’m working on doing that, both personally, and in the ways in which I teach and share with my class. It will be a process, and I am sure there are times where l’ll interpret something incorrectly or not have a detail perfectly accurate or mispronounce something, or simply still not know what I don’t know. That’s all part of the learning, the growth, and being human, and it’s ok. 

Since completing my yoga teacher training, I’ve known I wanted to use yoga to help people, both on and off the mat. I’ve known that I’ve wanted to create opportunities that make yoga available to as many people as possible, regardless of income level or fancy yoga pants level or experience level. As I’ve let everything I learned in yoga teacher training percolate in my brain, I’ve become increasingly interested in learning more of the history, the philosophy, the other seven limbs of yoga, in yoga being as much of a practice (probably more) off the mat as on.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love Asana (physical poses) and believe they’re an important part of yoga as a whole. They’re one of the ways in which we practice yoga, and a way in which we can share the practice together, collectively (even if virtually for now). They’re also a way in which many people feel comfortable entering into the practice of yoga, and to me, that’s incredibly value - they serve as a doorway in, and we can grow our practice from there into the other limbs, into yoga as being instead of just doing. I’ll continue to share individual poses and flows and tips and occasional videos on social media and here on my blog. But I’m adding on to that physical practice, exploring it in a new way through the history and philosophy and other limbs. I’m excited to continue learning, to begin weaving this more into my life, my practice, and my teaching. I’d love for you to join me. 

Re-Discovering Ourselves In The Midst Of Change

We’ve been dealing with a lot the past few months. We’ve dealt with the shutting down of daily life as we knew it, and all the transitions that it entailed - working from home, home schooling, layoffs and furloughs, closing our businesses for an unknown period of time, anxiety over getting sick, dealing with illness or the illness or loss of a loved one, being an essential worker and having to help keep society running through all this, help those struggling and suffering. We’ve had to redesign our lives to adjust. We’ve to deal with all the emotions and feelings, the ups and downs that have come along with that, not knowing what changes would come next, and when. 

Slowly, businesses are starting to re-open, at least on some scale. We’re starting to emerge from our quarantine cocoons. We may be headed back to our work site part or full time. We may still be working at home or not back to work yet, but we’ll still experience other change.  We may be out and about a little more. We may be able to see friends outside at a safe distance. As the school year ends, there are further shifts in the daily routine. And with all of this, we find ourselves transitioning once again. 

The thing is, no matter how much we tell ourselves, or others tell us, that we aren’t defined by the external pieces or people of our life - our job/career/school experience for students, our home or relationship life, our families and friends, our hobbies and activities, etc - when suddenly you have to readjust almost all of this, virtually overnight, it can be tricky to not feel a bit lost. People who worked at the same company or job for years or decades suddenly aren’t. Students’ classroom is now the living room and teacher is now the parent or a zoom class on the computer. Family and friends that were part of our daily or weekly routines we suddenly can’t see. There are the hobbies and activities we can’t partake in, organizations and volunteer opportunities we may now not be able be involved in or have to be involved in differently. When nearly every piece that fit together to form our our day to day lives suddenly is upended, even if you know that it doesn’t redefine you, doesn’t change who you are, it can feel like it does. And that can be difficult, especially when you don’t know how long this it’s going to last. And now, almost three months later (yep, it’s been almost 3 months, at least where I am!), perhaps when we’re finally settling into a different routine, it’s all changing again. But it’s not going back to the way it was. Not exactly. It’s going back to a different version. And once again, we don’t know which pieces will keep transitioning, and how long those transitions will last. And we ourselves transition once again. 

All the changing, the transitioning can be disorienting. We may notice some routines or habits or patterns, some pieces of life from pre-COVID times that, now that we’ve taken a step back, no longer feel like they fit. We may notice some pieces of life or of ourselves that we discovered during quarantine that we’d like to keep even as we transition out. Things that we thought we didn’t have time for before but that have helped us through this time might find their way into our schedules, even as we move back to work and activities. Aspects that we thought were so important before, or that we were so accustomed to, things that we thought all those weeks ago we couldn't wait to get back to, now may not make such a prominent appearance in our lives, even when they’re finally allowed to. You might notice these things right away either, or it might be something you look back on weeks or months later and realize. 

And so we may re-discover ourselves a bit. We may begin to reshape the pieces of ourselves and our lives, but not exactly as they were before. Some of it may be guided by things outside of our control (regulations, company rules, etc), but some of it may be guided by our conscious decisions and realizations that have come about over the past few months. And if not, that’s ok too - we’re all unique and we all experience situations in our own way, and that’s the beauty of human life. But I’m feeling it strongly, this sense of being in transition, of being on the edge of rediscovery. And so that’s going to be my focus this next month. I plan to focus on ways in which we can both ground in the present and step into our re-discovery, our own personal power. (By power I mean embodiment and ownership of who we are, not “power hungry” type of power). I’ll be focusing on ways in which we can rediscover and realign and re-develop ourselves - both in what we’re offering ourselves, and what we’re putting out into the world. I’ll be doing this through my blog, my virtual classes, my video library (if you’re interested in the video library, message me for details), my social media, and some additional offerings I’m working on. I’d love for you to join me! 

Yoga Foundational Poses For Beginners (Or A Refresh For Anyone)

For this week’s blog, I wanted to get back to some basics. I understand that yoga can be daunting if you’re just starting out, or if it’s been a while since you’ve practiced and you’re jumping back in. There are a lot of poses, often referred to by Sanskrit names, depending on the type of class we may flow relatively quickly between them, and it can often seem like by the time you get into one pose, it’s onto the next. This can be even trickier when you’re starting out virtually, because you don’t have the in person demonstration of the instructor, other students around you as a guide, no opportunity for the instructor to do hands on adjusts or assists. 

Sukhasana

And yet right now, I feel like yoga might be increasingly helpful, with the stress and the being pulled in numerous directions (I see you, work-from-home home-school-teaching parents) and so much time having to be spent bent over phones or sitting at computers to communicate and connect. So I thought it might be a good time to take a step back, and revisit some of what I consider to be foundational poses of a yoga asana practice, in case you’re thinking about yoga, just starting out, or jumping back in after a while, and would like some information on the basics. 

Before I continue, a few things I should mention. First, when I say “basics”, I don’t mean easy. I mean that these poses, in my opinion, form the basis for a large number of other poses. It might be the positioning of the seat, the alignment of the lower or upper body, or a pose that we use to access other poses, for example. Secondly, these are poses that I have chosen as “foundationals” because of the above. You may have heard of something called the Primary Series, which is based in Ashtanga Yoga, but that’s not what I’m talking about (I’m not trained in Ashtanga so can’t speak to the primary series directly). These are simply poses that I believe can be a good foundation for those starting out, and for all practitioners to revisit from time to time.

Sukhasana

Sukhasana, or Easy Seat, is where we start and end many of our classes. It allows us the chance to settle into our practice, to begin to notice the breath and the body, to quiet the mind. It also is a grounding pose, with the “sits bones” evenly on the ground. That grounding nature of feeling the sits bones evenly on the ground is how we start a large number of our seated poses, so practicing this in Sukhasana, which doesn’t have many other “moving parts” (leg here, arm there, etc) can be a helpful way to get accustomed to this posture. 

Tadasana (Mountain Pose)

To me, Tadasana is the foundational standing pose. It’s the place that we start and end nearly all of our standing flows. The alignment of the lower body is used as a basis for nearly all standing balances. It’s our pose for grounding, rooting down in the standing position, and it’s a great place to come back to to recenter, reconnect with the breath, and check in with alignment throughout practice. Some tips in Tadasana:

• Feet are hip width apart (Note - that’s the bony part of the hips. Curves, flesh are wonderful and we honor those, but for alignment purposes, use the bones at the front of the hips for reference. It’s also about two fists width apart, if that helps). 

• Feel all four corners of the feet planted firmly on the ground. 

• Navel is in and up; low ribs in (but make sure you’re not holding your breath!)

• Shoulder blades pull together on the spine

• Spine is long, and the neck is an extension of the spine (chin isn’t tilted down or up)

Urdhva Hastasana (Upward Hands Pose)

To be honest, if you’ve taken class with me, I rarely call this Urdvha Hastasana and I’ve never called it Upward Hands Pose (the latter just feels clumsy to me).  But if we’re standing in Tadasana and you hear me (or any instructor) say “Inhale, arms overhead”, that “arms overhead Tadasana” is Urdhva Hastasana. This pose doesn’t always get a lot of individual attention, because it’s nearly always part of a flow. It seems almost a natural pass through between Tadasana and folding forward, or the reverse. But this pose, the upper body in particular, is the foundation of numerous standing poses. The lower body in this pose is Tadasana. Upper body cues:

• You almost always enter into this pose on an inhale

• Arms are reaching active, reaching toward the sky

• Shoulder blades are pulled together on the back. 

• Shoulders shrug away from the ears. If you notice the shoulders creeping toward the ears, you can widen the arms a little. 

Uttanasana (Standing Forward Fold)

The forward fold in general is a fundamental pose in yoga to me, and I like the standing forward fold as a starting point for several reasons. 1.) Gravity! It makes the standing forward fold a little less taxing (in my opinion at least) than others. 2.) Like Tadasna and Urdvha Hastasana, this is a pose we come back to time and again throughout our standing flows. Also, it’s an inversion, even if we don’t think of it as one, and inversions have all sorts of benefits (you can read about those in my Inversions for Beginners post here). Key tips for Uttansana: 

• Lower body is in Tadasana

• Hinge forward from the hips. If you need, bend the knees to bring the belly onto the thighs. 

• Neck is long, crown of the head points down to the ground.

Tadasana

Urdhva Hastasana

Uttanasana

Child’s Pose (Balasana) 

Like Sukhasana, child’s pose is a great place to rest, to reconnect with the breath, to go if you need to take a moment of pause and recentering. It’s also great for stretching out the back, and wide-leg child’s pose is a nice way to ease into opening up the hips. Specific arm and leg cues depend on if you’re going into the open or closed legged version, but in both poses: 

• Seat sinks back toward the heels, creating a deep crease in the front of the hips 

• Forehead comes toward the ground 

Wide leg child’s pose

Closed leg child’s pose

Table 

I’m not sure that Table is technically a yoga pose. If it has a Sanskrit name, I do not know it. But I’m including it here, because it’s a pose that we use as a base in a lot of yoga warm ups, transitions, and also yoga flows. For instance, I have a lot of students who, for various reasons, use Table instead of Plank pose when flowing in class. Important cues in Table:

• Wrists are directly underneath the shoulders. 

• Knees are directly underneath the hips (again, the bony part of the hips)

• Back is flat. Neck is long. 

Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward Facing Dog, or Down Dog is one of the most recognizable poses in yoga. 

• Hands are shoulder-width apart, with either middle or pointer finger pointing toward the top of the mat (I’ve heard it both ways, I think it depends on which feels best to you).

• Feet are hips width apart

• Press down evenly into both hands and feet

• Hips (“sits bones”) lifting toward the ceiling

• Navel in and up, low ribs in (but make sure you’re not holding your breath!)

• Gaze is either between the knees or toward the navel

Baby Cobra (Bhujangasana)

I chose Bhujangasna, or baby cobra, for several reasons. It’s frequently used in flows/vinyasasas, and as in transition from prone (belly down) on the ground back up to a table or a down dog. Additionally, the alignment in Baby Cobra forms the basis for poses such as Cobra and Upward Facing Dog, and the movement is good preparation for other belly back bends that you might find throughout practice. Tips for Bhujangasana:

• Hands are by the low ribs; elbows hug in toward the body

• Press into the hand, lifting the chest off the ground. 

• Pull the shoulder blades together on the spine

• Hip points, tops of the legs, tops of the feet are pressing down into the ground

Table

Downward Facing Dog

Bhunjangasana (Baby Cobra)

Warrior I (Virabhadrasana I)

I’m including both Warrior I and II on this list because so many of our other standing poses start with Warrior I or II alignment, and we often come back to them time and again throughout class. They ground us, and at the same time prep us for an array of other poses. Warrior I tips: 

• Back foot is at about a 45 degree angle. Front knee is bent, front foot pointing toward the top of the mat. 

• Press out through the outer edges of both feet to ground in the pose. 

• Even though they’re going in different directions, feel the thighs pulling toward each other (towards the midline of the body - inner thighs are engaged).

• Hips are square to the top of the mat - think of them as headlines that you want to shine on the front of your mat. 

• Upper body is Urdhva Hastasana, as described above. 

Warrior II (Virabhadrasana II)

There are lots of cues for Warrior II, so bear with me - getting alignment solid in Warrior II will set you up for proper alignment in many other standing poses. 

• Back foot points toward the long side of the mat (parallel with the front/back of the mat).

• Front knee is bent, front foot pointing toward the top of the mat; make sure you can see your front big toe - if not, gently move the front knee more towards the pinky toe.

• Hips are square to the long side of the mat 

• Arms are active, reaching out from the shoulders; shoulder blades pull together on the spine. 

• Navel in and up, low ribs in. 

• Make sure the torso is centered right over the hips; it’s easy for the ribs/belly to lean toward that front leg. 

• Gaze is out over the front middle finger

Virabhadrasana I (Warrior I)

Virabhadrasana II

Dandasana (Staff Pose)

Dandasana may not be a pose you think you see in class often (it may not even look pose), but if you’ve taken class, you do it more than you think. I chose this as a foundational pose because, as Tadasana is to standing poses, Dandasana is to seated poses. While I might not announce it as a pose in class, I start almost every seated forward fold, and many seated twists, in Dandasana. It’s one of those poses that doesn’t have a lot of moving parts, but getting the alignment right in Dandasana is key, because you then take that alignment into so many other poses. 

• Feel the sits bones evenly on the ground. 

• Legs straight out in front of you, “zipped together”, feet flexed. 

• Knees and toes are pointed toward the ceiling (i.e. not rolling in or out)

• Spine is long; neck is an extension of the spine

• Shoulder blades are pulled together on the back; hands on the ground by the hips. 

• Navel in and up; low ribs pulled in. 

Savasana

Savasana is the only pose that’s required in a vinyasa yoga class. That in itself makes it a fundamental pose to me. But also, Savasana is the pose that ties everything together. It’s the pose that lets you let go of everything that’s happened in practice, any movement, any specific breath work you may have been doing in class, and lets you just be. If you’re practicing in a studio, Savasana lets you just be both as an individual, and as part of the collective - you can just be along with everyone else just being. Savasana is where we find our stillness. Traditionally Savasana is practiced lying on the back legs extended out to the outer edges of the mat, arms out by the sides with the palms up, eyes closed. However, this isn’t comfortable for everyone, especially in an open class (it can feel extremely vulnerable to be on your back with your eyes closed surrounded by others). So here are some other options: 

• You can sit up and do Savasana more like you would a meditation 

• You can do Savasana “Legs Up the Wall” style (or if you’re at home and don’t have an open wall, legs up the couch, or any other supportive basically solid surface). 

• If you’re ok being on your back but arms and legs out wide feels uncomfortable, you can bend the knees and put the feet flat on the ground. You can also bring hands to the belly, heart, or one on each. 

• If being on your back is physically uncomfortable (from a joint/pain standpoint), you can put a rolled up blanket/towel or a bolster/cushion underneath the knees. You can also always pad behind the shoulders neck and head, or can put a blanket across the tops of hips which can feel grounding. 

If you find your mind racing or suddenly filled with thoughts in Savasana (I often do), there are few things you can do. One is to focus on the breath, as you would in a meditation. You can also silently repeat a mantra or phrase, or do a visualization (maybe imagining waves on a beach, or walking through a forest or field, something peaceful). These both help to keep the mind focused on something specific and soothing, which can help if the mind really doesn’t want to be still. If practicing at home, you can also use some soft instrumental music during Savasana. If you need suggestions, I have a Spotify playlist of Savasana and meditation music that I’m happy to share, and I’m sure there are plenty of other playlists as well.

Savasana seems like it should be an “easy” pose (you’re “just lying there” right?) but for many of us, it’s not easy, mentally or physically or emotionally, to just lie, in a position that can feel open and exposed, and still our minds. So be gentle on yourself if Savasana doesn’t feel as calm and easy and relaxing as you think it “should”, especially at first. It might not be a physically complex pose, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and just like every other pose, we can make adjustments as needed to make it work best for ourselves in that moment. 

Dandasana

Savasana

Yoga Hip Openers for Everyone

For those of us that spend large amounts of time sitting during the day - commuting (remember when we did that?), at the computer or desk, etc - it’s easy for the muscles around the hips to get tight. This can lead to discomfort in the hips of course, but can also affect other areas - when muscles in the hips are tight, it can affect how we stand, our gait, the way we move and transition between positions (sitting to standing and vice versa). These changes can impact our knees, our low back, even as far down as our ankles and feet. It’s also said that we hold a lot of our stress in our hips, and that by easing the tension in our hips, it might help with stress we didn’t even realize we were holding onto. So suffice it to say, keeping the hips free of as much discomfort and tension as possible is important. 

Yoga asana is full of options for opening up the hips. You can find hip openers in seated poses, standing poses, standing balances, and even inversions. For this post, I wanted to include hip openers that I felt could be practiced at home, and (many of which) have multiple variations, so that you can adjust to what feels best in your body in the moment. While none of these poses require props (other than a mat ideally), you can certainly use them if you have them, and I’ll try to offer some places where you could add them in.

Baddha Konasana

Baddha Konasana, or bound angle pose, is a great hip opener to start with because it’s a seated pose, and there aren’t too many “moving parts” (i.e. right hand here, left foot there, etc). 

• Sit with your hips evenly on the floor (or a blanket), knees bent toward the ceiling, feet flat on the floor. 

• Bring the soles of your feet together, letting the knees fall gently out to the sides. 

• Your feet can be closer into the body, or further from the body, depend on what feels best to you. 

• Inhale lift the chest; exhale hinge forward at the hips, keeping the sits bones on the ground, the back flat, and the neck long. 

Supta Baddha Konasana

This pose is a great way to start or end (or both) your practice. It’s like baddha konasana, but you’re lying on your back. Start lying on the back, knees bent, feet flat on the floor. Bring the soles of the feet together, letting the knees gently fall out to the sides. Arms: I suggest by your side with palms up, overhead, on the heart and/or belly.

If you have props, you can put a blanket or block under each thigh/knee. This helps bring the ground up to meet you, and can help with feeling strain on the knees or hips in this pose. This can be especially helpful in the beginning of practice, when the muscles and joints may not be as warmed up and therefore feel tighter. 

Lizard

Lizard is a lunge variation with an emphasis on opening up the hips, chest, and fronts of the shoulders. 

• From lunge, wiggle your front foot to the outside edge of the mat. 

• Bring both hands to the inside of the foot. 

• Lizard variations: back knee up or down; on hands or on forearms; coming onto the outside (pinky toe) edge of the front foot. 

Lizard with back knee lifted, on forearms

Lizard with back knee down, palms on the ground.

Photo Credit: Aly Gaul

Malasana

Malasana or Garland Pose (some people call it yogi squat) can be tricky on the knees, so if going all the way in doesn’t work for you, you can stop lowering down about half way and do a catcher's squat instead.  A good guide is your heels - if they lift off the ground in malasana, raise your hips back up to a catcher’s squat. 

• Bring feet as wide as the mat

• Begin to lower the tailbone down toward the ground

• Keep the chest open; hands can come to heart center

Pigeon

Pigeon, or (say it with me now) Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana, is one of the most diverse hip openers in my opinion, because there are numerous ways to do this pose - upright, with a bind, folding forward, supine (all pictured here), and while it’s not technically the same pose, Standing Figure Four is basically a standing variation of Pigeon. There’s also a “flying” version (an arm balance) that isn’t pictured, but if you really want to see what it looks like, you can view me attempting it here. In fact, this video also includes Standing Figure 4) .

For purposes of this post, I’m going to describe the upright/folded forward versions. I generally enter into pigeon from either a 3-legged dog or table, though there are other ways. I’ll describe as if you’re going in on the Right side. 

Pigeon: Upright, With bind, Folded, Supine

• Bend the right knee toward the chest

• Bring the right shin parallel(ish)* with the front of the mat, ankle behind left wrist, knee behind right wrist

• Left leg extends straight out behind you (make sure that back foot isn’t turning in or out)

• Hips are as square as possible to the front of the mat. 

• If you’re staying upright, hands come to the outside of the hips.

• If you’re folding, begin to walk the hands forward, possibly coming onto the elbows or bringing the chest toward the ground.

• If folding forward, you could also come down onto blocks, a folded blanket, or even a bolster to bring the floor closer to you.

*For many hips, shin parallel to the mat doesn’t work well or is painful. If it’s better for your body, take the right knee wider, towards the edge of the mat, and pull the right heel more toward the mid-line of the body (toward the belly button). 

Goddess

Goddess is the only standing hip opener on today’s list, though there certainly are others. I chose Goddess for this post because, while it’s by no means an easy pose, the concept is simple, and it’s pretty easy to grasp from the photo. 

• Facing the long side of the mat, step your feet wide (wider than hip width) 

• Heels turn in, toes point to out, toward the corners of your mat. 

• Arms come to a “goal post” position. Shoulder blades pull together on the spine.

• Bend the knees, making sure the knees are going out over the toes (if the knees are inside the toes, turn the toes in slightly). 

• Navel in and up; low ribs in

Frog Pose

Frog can be a pretty intense hip opener, and it can be a little tough on bad knees, so if you have knee trouble, please be careful with this one. I suggest doing frog facing the long side of the mat, because it allows for padding under both knees. You can always put blankets, blocks, or a bolster in front of you if using props.

• Start in Table, and then widen the legs so that they’re wider than hip width 

• Lower down on the elbows, and let the hips begin to sink down. You may need to gently inch the knees further apart

• Knees are bent 90 degrees, so ankles should be in line with knees (behind you). Feet are flexed, pointing toward the outer edges of the mat.

• If it’s accessible to you, begin to lower the chest down, arms out in front of you

There are plenty of variations and modifications within these hip openers, as well as different versions. You can add in binds and twists to several of them. You can use props to raise hips or pad knees, or to bring the ground closer to you. There are also plenty of hip openers not included in this list. If you’re interested in more hip openers, or variations/modifications/prop use with these, feel free to ask - I’m happy to offer what I can!

Delving Into Insecurities As I Grow My Virtual Yoga Offerings

Content Warning: Body Image/BDD/Eating Disorders

If you follow me on social media, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been posting an increasing number of yoga videos. I also recently started a yoga video library on Vimeo, which is currently not yet publicly available, but which I did make available to my newsletter subscribers this month. In addition, I’ve been teaching my weekly benefit class via zoom. Suffice it to say, in the past month, I’ve seen a significant number of videos of myself. And I’m going to be honest - it’s not easy for me and it’s bringing up a ton of insecurities. 

At first, I was nervous to share my videos because they were definitely the “made at home in my living room with my phone or laptop” variety. Because I live in a one bedroom condo and do not have a home yoga setup per se, I’m propping up my phone or laptop with books on top of a kitchen island stool and having to move furniture out of the way in order to have enough room. If I use my laptop (zoom video downloaded) the audio is iffy. If I use my phone, often the video is a little crooked or I’m closer than I’d like to be to the camera because of spacing issues. With either, the lighting isn’t perfect and there’s always a good chance that my dog wanders in and out, though to be honest that part I think is kind of cute. And all of these things have made me a bit nervous to share the videos at large, though lately I’ve started sharing the shorter ones on social media a bit more. 

But regardless of the lighting and spacing and wandering dog and audio issues and all that, there’s another factor that I’m really struggling with: I am extremely self-conscious about seeing myself on video. I have struggled with body image issues basically my entire late teen and adult life. In my 20s, I suffered from eating disorders. While not officially diagnosed, I strongly believe I suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Negative thoughts about my body used to consume me, and my body image felt intrinsically tied to my self worth.  I’ve not actively battled eating disorders in about twelve years, and I’ve come a long way with my body image, but I still struggle with the latter, especially when my depression or anxiety are rearing their heads. And while I do not by any means judge others based on their bodies, and I know that my body does not actually mean anything about who I am as a person, I have always struggled with self-worth, self esteem, and confidence in general, and these creep into many areas of my life. It feeds into my insecurities, which are plentiful. 

When I see myself on video, I tend to over-analyze everything (also just a general tendency of mine in life, unfortunately). I’m particularly self-conscious about the fact that my stomach area always curves out slightly, partly because that’s just how it is, partly because I have strong curves in my lower back which tend to make me stand with my belly pushed out a bit, and partly because I have an abnormally high belly button/waist (seriously) so yoga pants, even the high waist ones, tend to fall right in the middle of that already rounded belly area, making it look even more pronounced. I’m also self-conscious about my posture. I notice, particularly as I’m walking into and out of the video (which I cut out because nobody needs to see that anyway), that my shoulders are hunched forward. It’s as if I’m a walking apology for the space I take up. Like I don’t actually believe in the video I’m about to make, even though I know I’m a good instructor, that people have told me they like my videos, and on the mat teaching is one of the few places I actually do feel generally confident in my abilities.I walk into and out of the video as if I don’t actually deserve to be taking up that space.  Even though nobody sees this part of the video, it gets to me - I do not want to be a walking apology for my existence, to move as if I do not deserve the space I occupy.. Nobody should be a walking apology for their existence or physical presence in this world. 

And finally, there’s my voice. I hate hearing myself. I don’t like recording voicemails because I hate how I sound, despite the fact that my former company had me record all of the phone greetings for the whole office, so my voice must not be that bad. But I’ve always been self-conscious about it. I’ve spent 40 years being told I talk too fast, too loud, too much (all unusual for a strong introvert, I know). I anxious-babble and ramble. My creative brain delves into stories and gets off track and goes on and on and then I get terribly embarrassed and assume I’m annoying everyone. Granted, I don’t tend to do these last two in class. I actually try to be pretty straightforward when I teach, especially when everything’s virtual and cueing is extra important because we can’t adjust and assist, and it’s tougher to see demonstrations. But still, a lifetime of wanting to stick my foot in my mouth and shrink into the corner doesn’t just vanish. Luckily, one advantage of a lifelong loud talker is that I’m able to project my voice even via zoom, and hopefully this assists my students in being able to hear me clearly. But still, I’m self-conscious. 

I say this all, because I think it’s an important message, in general, and especially in the world of yoga where pictures of supermodel-looking people doing impossible-looking poses in bikinis on the beach at sunset can make others feel that yoga isn’t for them, that they can’t do yoga, that they’ll never be ‘good enough’ at it, that you have to be or act or feel a certain way to do a yoga, to be a yogi.  And you don’t. Plain and simple. .Not at all. Maybe the bikini supermodel sunset someone’s reality and that’s fine if that’s who they truly are, but it’s certainly not mine. I also think it’s important because in yoga we talk a lot about accepting where we are, and letting go of expectations, and being in the present. And those are all focuses of yoga. But I don’t want anyone to think that if they aren’t there yet, that they can’t do yoga, that they aren’t a “good enough yogi” (there’s no such thing). I’m a yoga teacher, but I certainly don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t have to.  There’s a reason yoga is called a practice. It’s not something to perfect. It’s not an end goal. It’s a process, always. A continual practice. Even as a teacher I am still always a student as well. I am an imperfect human being with flaws and insecurities and struggles first and foremost. I’m a yoga teacher second (actually I’m a wife and daughter and sibling and friend second, but you get the point). 

Taking my yoga business online has been a challenge, and while I obviously don’t lilke the reasons for it (i.e. global pandemic), I’ve welcomed the chance to grow and develop myself and my practice and my teaching in a way I definitely hadn’t imagined.  I like the opportunity to experiment with various formats, different ways of bringing yoga to people. I enjoy reaching into these options with curiosity. Bringing my teaching online has allowed me to practice with people who can’t logistically make it to my live classes. I’m excited to continue to grow this aspect of my business (which is, right now, all of it!). There are also my own personal challenges. I’m having to let go of my tendency towards perfectionism, and to do the best I can with what I have and where we are as a society in this moment (i.e. staying at home). I’m having to delve insecurities - about my body, my voice, the way I carry myself - that have plagued me for years. I’m battling, as always, my fears of being rejected, of failing, of my efforts flopping spectacularly, which is all more visible to everyone when those efforts are out on social media. But for the first time in a long time, I’m able to see past those fears. My desire to help others through yoga, both on and off the mat, is stronger. My pull to be of service in some way, to offer what I can, especially with what we’re all experiencing now, is greater. I know it’s not saving the world or fighting COVID or keeping people fed or keeping society running, but it’s what I have to offer. And if I can help people take a break from stress, or get some physical relief from pain or discomfort by moving their bodies, or help people connect with themselves or community or something greater, or if I can raise money for causes helping others through benefit yoga, than that’s wonderful, and I’m willing to deal with the insecurities and doubts and fears to do so. 

May Theme: Showing Up For You, On & Off the Mat

Over the past six weeks or so (aka since the start of quarantine) two questions have kept me feeling both grounded and inspired: 

1. How can I show up (virtually, emotionally, etc) for others? 

2. How can I show up for myself? 

There’s been tons of upheaval in the external world, to say the least. Everyone is going through this together, but also not all in the same way. We’re all coming at this from different work and home life situations, different financials, different personalities, different support systems and outlets and resources. And so as much as we’re all in this together, we’re all in this together differently. As I’ve sat with this idea over the past six weeks or so, it’s helped me feel grounded in compassion and understanding, and resulting in an overwhelming pull to extend these to both myself and others.  For myself, it’s helped me show up for myself - to take additional time to meditate and connect with the world through my senses, to make time for my own practice, to be gentle with myself when needed while also allowing myself to explore my uncomfortable zone (see below) and be, well, more comfortable with that (or maybe just less terrified). It’s helped me to explore opportunities and possibilities, to grow, with more curiosity and at least slightly less fear.

As I’ve continued to show up for myself more, it’s left me with the first question: how do I show up for others? And so this month, my theme is going to be a little different. This month, I want to show up for all of you in as many ways as I can (virtually), using yoga to help and support both on and off the mat. Since I signed up for yoga teacher training, I knew that I wanted to use yoga to help people, not just in the physical practice, but in life, in community, as well. As I delved deeper into this, I began to explore the idea to use yoga to connect with causes and organizations, and offer classes to raise funds and awareness. In September, I began teaching a weekly Yoga to Benefit Kids’ Chance class. For the past month, as it became clear that quarantine/stay at home/social distancing orders were going to continue for a while, I brought that class virtually. I teach it every Tuesday, at 5PM, on zoom. I also made it Pay-What-You-Wish Donation-Optional, because I know there are people that are struggling financially at this time, and perhaps they could use yoga now more than ever. So my first offering is to invite you to this class. If you can donate, awesome. If you cannot, totally OK too. You can learn more about the class at the link above, and you can contact me for the zoom link and password (have to keep it password protected for security reasons). 

In addition to this weekly class, I’m looking into more opportunities and offerings, more ways in which I can expand what I share in terms of yoga classes/practice, as well as how I can use those to help those in need. I would love your input. Here are a few things I’m offering/considering: 

•  I’ve been building a small video library on vimeo. Some are pose tutorials, others are quick standing flows, some are longer (say 10-20 minute) videos.They’re definitely of the “homemade in my living room with my laptop’ variety, but they're what I can create with my current technology/tools, and I want to offer them. I am honestly not 100 percent confident in sharing them yet (maybe ever), but I feel my ego is less important than the possibility that they might help someone, so I’ve decided to share with those interested. They too are  password protected so if you’d like to view I’m happy to share that. Please contact me for the link and password. 

• I’ve begun blogging and posting about yoga for specific body parts, muscle groups, and  specific types of poses. In the blogs, I include photos and give bulleted tips. So far, I’ve done a post on Yoga Inversions for Beginners, and Yoga Lunges for All Levels. In order to make these posts as helpful as possible, I’m looking for input. Are there specific poses, types of poses, or certain yoga benefits (grounding, energizing, heart-opening, etc) that you’d be interested in me posting about? Any suggestions for pose or practice-related posts, I’d be happy to hear! I’d love to incorporate these to make sure I’m providing content that helps as many people as possible. 

• Same question for yoga tutorials and videos - I’m looking for requests, so let me know what would be beneficial. It could be a tutorial on a specific pose, or a longer video that focuses on a specific area of the body. It could be specific type of pose (folds, hip opening, back bending, balance poses) or positioning (standing flows, seated poses, supine poses). I’m also open to suggestions for class levels (beginner, intermediate, all-levels, etc) or specific type of class (vinyasa, yin, slow flow, gentle, a combo of these) as long as the classes lie within what I’m certified to teach. 

• I’m considering the possibility of offering some more virtual live classes. Here are some options I’ve considered, and I’d definitely love to hear if you’d be interested, so that I can offer what would best benefit others. 

• Quick before work classes. This would have to be 6:30 or 7AM, and probably on 30-45 minutes. 

• 30 minute lunch break classes (say 12:15-12:45). 

• An additional after-work class (4:30, 5, 5:15, 5:30PM sometime around there). It would be a full hour. 

• One-time benefit yoga classes for a cause. If you have connections with organizations/charities/causes that you’d be interested in doing a yoga benefit for, please let me know. I’d love to chat!

• One-time benefit classes for YOUR organization/cause. If you’re an non-profit, charity, etc that is helping others and would like to do a class to benefit your organization, I’d love to see what we can do.

• Virtual private sessions at a reduced rate. I actually am already offering these, but throwing it in there in case people weren’t aware. 

• Other options I haven’t yet thought of! 

I do work an 8-4 job that I’m working from home right now, so I have to work my offerings around this. I’m definitely open to suggestions. I feel that this having extra time at home and the opportunity to provide virtual classes offers me a great opportunity to help people, both on and off the mat, through yoga, and I’d love to chat, get creative, and see what we can do. 

A Look Back: One Year After Teaching My First Yoga Class

A year ago this past Sunday, April 26th, I taught my first ever yoga class. It was one of our two “finals” for Yoga Teacher Training - we taught a 90 minutes class and we had a written final exam (not on the same day, thankfully!). The class was a controlled environment - we got to invite whoever we chose to the class, so that we knew who we were working with and therefore there would hopefully be no major surprises. 

To say that I was extremely nervous is an understatement. I literally had alarms set to remind myself to do things like put on deodorant and turn my phone on Do Not Disturb because I didn’t want to forget ANYTHING that could mess up my class. I’ve taught group exercise for years (classes such as strength training, abs classes, bootcamp, cycle, step - totally dating myself on this last one!), but teaching that first yoga class felt different. In a step class, there are two places to put your feet - the floor, or the step. In a cycle class, you don’t have to tell people when to inhale and when to exhale (though you may have to remind them to breathe on a steep hill!). In yoga, there are nuances, and there are pieces to the class - sometimes the most impactful pieces - that have nothing to do with the actual physical posture of the pose itself. There is the class theme. There’s cueing arm/leg/every other body part placement specifically. There’s your gaze, or drishti. There’s how the weight should be distributed between the hands or the feet or all four depending on the pose. There’s the reminder to enter or exit a pose on the inhale or exhale as appropriate to that specific pose. There’s twisting to the right side first, and then remembering which side is right when you’re lying down or upside down. Quite honestly, there’s just making sure you remember which side is your right and which side is your left at all - it’s amazing how easy it is to forget this when you can’t pause to make an L with your fingers or pretend to do the pledge of allegiance.  There’s knowing and being able to pronounce the Sanskrit and English name for every pose (looking at you, Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana). There’s remembering modifications, variations, use of props, adjusts and assists (we weren’t required to do hands on assists, but I wanted to because that’s my style - with permission of course). And then, of course, there’s remembering 90 minutes of poses and transitions in the right order. We were allowed to use notes, but I’m the type of person that if I have to read while presenting, I lose my place easily and I don’t sound natural. So, in true Maya style, I made copious pages of notes and brought my whole class plan and didn’t look at any of it, though it helped to have it there as a safety net. It also helped tremendously to have a room full (and by full, I mean 6 people) of friends and fellow teacher trainees as your students. Surprisingly, once I got past the intro, I actually felt pretty comfortable. My “teaching” mode kicked in. It doesn’t mean it was easy, but for someone who deals with anxiety about… basically everything… I actually didn’t feel as anxious or panicky as I thought I was going to. I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe, and that allowed me to focus on my students. 

On May 19, 2019, I officially graduated Yoga Teacher Training (because that’s when our graduation was held). In some ways, it feels like yesterday (well, not literally yesterday because we couodl’t have all been in the same place at the same time, but you know what I mean). At the same time, it’s hard to believe I have only been teaching for a year. Not only do I no longer need to remind myself to do things like put on deodorant before class (I still do it, don’t worry, just no reminder needed!), I actually feel comfortable in front of a class. Which is saying something for someone who can’t even look people in the eye during conversations because it feels like too much attention focused on me. Over the past year, I have subbed at multiple studios,  I have taught a weekly Barre-Yoga Combo class at SoulFlower Yoga in Merchantville, NJ, as well subbed a range of classes from Beginner Vinyasa to Hatha Vinyasa to All-Levels Yoga at that studio. I have a weekly private yoga client (it’s a relative, still counts) and teach a weekly Yoga Benefit Class - the class is held at a law firm (and right now, virtually), but it’s open to the public, and proceeds benefit the organization Kids’ Chance of NJ.  Benefit Yoga is 100 percent “my thing”. I feel so grateful to be able to be part of this, and to be starting what I hope to be an area in which I can continue to grow my offerings.  

These days, I can sub a class on an hour or two’s notice, which, compared to the weeks and weeks (and weeks) I spent practicing and planning for my first class, still surprises me. Often, I go into class with an idea of what I want to do, but end up altering the class “on the go” due to student requests for certain areas they want to work on or certain types of poses, based on the experience level of the class, or based on injuries and such of the students. I’ve had classes planned in which many of the poses involved being on the knees, and half my class says they’re dealing with knee pain or injuries. So I adjust it. Sure, they can modify, but I’ve grown comfortable enough with teaching that I’d rather change things up so more poses are accessible to the majority of the class. I remember when I was taking classes during yoga teacher training, seeing instructors come in and say “so anyone have any requests” and being absolutely floored that they could just adjust their class to fit in special requests. I mean, how did that not mess up everything they’d planned and memorized and practiced repeatedly. But I get it now. It’s that being able to both plan a class with intention, and also make adjustments to suit the specific students that show up, that’s one of my favorite pieces - it feels like I’m truly able to show up for their specific needs on their specific day, while still maintaining my own voice and style and intentions for the class as well.

And just as I was feeling pretty comfortable with all of this, getting into the groove of all my studio and private and benefit classes … COVID19 and stay at home orders. This past six weeks, I’ve been making adjustments to my yoga teaching process that I legitimately never imagined.  I’ve been teaching private sessions and my weekly Yoga Benefit class virtually via zoom. Technology certainly has its downfalls, but I’m extremely grateful that I can still do my private sessions, and that this class can keep practicing together to raise money for such a great cause. Not only that, but we’ve had people able to join class virtually who aren’t able to, for logistical reasons, join the in-person class, so I’ve gotten to meet and practice with new people. I’ve even had people suggest that once we go back to in person classes, I still offer a virtual class weekly as well.  I’m strongly considering doing this, and it’s something I hadn’t given any serious thought to previously. Most surprisingly, I’ve also been making yoga videos - both quick pose tutorials, which I’ve been putting on social media, and longer videos that I’ve been putting up on vimeo. The latter are not ready for general public consumption yet, because they’re definitely “homemade in my living room with my computer and the possibility of my dog sitting on the mat or licking my face during class’ quality, but they’re up there in all their password-protected glory, and available to those that are willing to put up with my yoga video growing pains in order to utilize them (if you fall into this category and are interested, contact me and I’ll send you the password). 

Lastly, but certainly not least, my first year as a yoga teacher has brought me connection. It’s brought me connection to myself, my inner core, my journey and purpose - even if I’m still figuring out the specific details of that path. It’s brought me connection to the universe/creator/God/nature (whatever your name for this power greater than ourselves). It’s brought me connection to my students - the amazing humans who show up to practice with me that I may never have otherwise met, or who I may have known, but not been connected with in such a way. It’s brought me a connection with the cause that my weekly benefit class supports, and I truly aim to utilize yoga to support more causes in the future. And it’s brought me connection to my fellow yoga teachers and friends, the amazing souls I went through YTT training with who I am so lucky to call friends.

 Of everything that this first year as a yoga teacher has brought into my life, all of these connections - to others, to the universe, to myself and my path as it evolves - is the most beautiful. To each and every one of you that has been part of this first year, thank you. I’m so grateful for all that I’ve had the opportunity to experience in the past twelve months as a yoga teacher (and a student, because we’re still always a student), and I’m excited and curious to see what the next year brings.

Yoga Lunges For All Levels (And Their Benefits)

Lunges are among my poses as both a student and a teacher. They can sound intimidating, especially when you picture the lunges you see being done with weights at a gym, or to exhaustion in workout videos. But as a yoga pose, there are so many variations of the lunges that there are options for almost everyone. Plus, by varying just one piece of the lunge, you can adjust which muscles engage the most, which areas of the body you benefit.  By their nature, lunges are going to involve the quads (fronts of the thighs), hamstrings (backs of the thighs) glute muscles (butt), hip extensors, hip flexors, and core. But as you vary the pose, you’ll feel it more in certain areas than others, and you’ll be able to choose the version of the pose that works best in your body at that moment. 

Runner’s Lunge

There is probably another name for this pose, but this is what I call it. It may also be called a low lunge, though I use that name for a different version, as you’ll see below. I consider the Runner’s lunge the “classic” form of lunge in yoga, in that it’s part of the Step Back Flow which is frequently done in the beginning of vinyasa classes and you can transition to just about any other lunge version from here. The clues below for runners lunge can be used for basically all lunges (Exception: where a twist is involved, hips won’t be square to the front). 

• Press down through the front foot, and out through the back heel. 

• The front knee should be directly over the ankle. Make sure the knee is not going past the front toes. 

• Hips are square to the front of the mat. 

• Chest is open and shoulders are away from the ears - think pulling the shoulder blades together.

• Navel in and up, low ribs in. 

• Even though they’re in totally different directions, think about the inner thighs pulling toward the midline of the body, toward each other. 

Low Lunge

The low lunge is similar to the Runner’s lunge, except the back knee is on the ground. If you’re concerned about pain in the knees, I suggest doubling up the mat, or placing a blanket under the knee. 

• Toes of the back foot can be tucked (like in the Runner’s Lunge) or untucked. Unless otherwise instructed, it’s whatever feels best to you. 

• If toes are untucked, make sure the back foot is straight (not turning in or out). 

• It’s easy for the front knee to move past the front toes in this pose. Scootch the front foot forward if you notice this happening. 

• While all lunges are good for stretching out the fronts of the hips, I find low lunge to be especially helpful here. 

• Low Lunge Variation: Using the core, press down through the front foot, raise the arms up so the biceps are by the ears. 

Twisted Lunge

Twists are good for the digestive system and twists in a lunge are great for warming up the spine. The Twisted Lunge can be done from a Runner’s Lunge or Low Lunge. I’m demonstrating Runner’s Lunge here. Cues are written from the Right Foot Forward perspective. If you’re on the left side, just reverse them. 

• From your Right side lunge, plant the left hand into the ground. 

• Bring the right hand to the heart, and then reach it toward the sky (twisting your chest toward the right leg). 

• Press out through the back heel. (Note: if you're in a low lunge and toes are untucked, this doesn’t apply). 

• Keep the chest open, shoulder blades pulling together on the spine. 

Twisted Low Lunge With Bind

I love this variation because it opens up the chest, has the twist for the spine (and digestion), and really gets into the quad of the back leg. If you reach back and can’t get the leg, that’s fine - it’s all yoga!  Just the motion of reaching back and bending the knee offers a good stretch. 

• Start in a low lunge, and move into a twisted low lunge (as described above). 

• Begin to reach the lifted arm back in the direction of the back foot, opening up the shoulder and the chest. 

• Bend the back knee. If it works for you and feels ok, reach for the back foot. If you get a hold of the foot, begin to pull the foot toward the body. If you don’t reach it, that’s ok too! 

High Lunge/Crescent Lunge/Lunging Warrior

Three names, same pose. In addition to the fronts and backs of the legs, you may also feel this pose in the core, as well as the calf of the back foot. 

• Lower body is like Runner’s lunge; upper body is like Warrior I.

• Shoulders and hips square to the front of the mat. 

• Shoulder blades pulling together on the spine. 

• Navel in and up, low ribs in. 

• Sink the hips down just slightly so that you “settle into” this lunge. 

• If you notice the torso leaning forward, pull the belly and low ribs back front leg, to center the spine. 

• Ground down through the front foot, and out through the back foot. 

• Arms are active, reaching for the sky. If your shoulders creep towards your ears, I find it helps to widen the arms into a little more of a V. 

It's Ok If

In the spirit of April’s theme of “Allowing It All”, I wanted to share some thoughts on feelings that many of us may be experiencing right now.

It’s OK if you don’t like virtual meetings and working from home away from your office and coworkers. 

It’s OK if you are thriving with virtual communication and working from home. 

(And if you’re an essential worker through all this, however you feel is totally legit, and THANK YOU!). 

It’s OK if you’re feeling joy at having more time with your family or partner or pet. 

It’s OK if you’re feeling stifled or unsettled or simply not feeling as joyful as you’d hoped at all the extra time home with your family or partner or pet. 

It’s OK if you’re mastering a new language, a new hobby, or becoming your family’s own master chef. 

It’s OK if you’re relaxing on the couch, ordering takeout, and haven’t even had the energy or motivation to partake in your usual hobbies. 

It’s OK if you have a homeschooling schedule that’s color coded by subject and time slot. 

It’s OK if you don’t have anything remotely like this.

It’s OK if you feel antsy and restless and are looking forward to when the world is bustling again. 

It’s OK if you’re enjoying the simplicity of life right now (obviously minus the reason for it) and are feeling more like yourself than you do when life is at its usual pace. 

It’s OK if you’re getting in extra workouts and online yoga classes and taking long walks (6 feet apart from others) every day. 

It’s OK if you’re not (though I may be a little biased on the online yoga thing. :-) 

It’s OK if you’re attending zoom happy hours or gatherings every day because you need that social interaction. 

It’s OK if you are loving not having to have social plans. 

It’s OK if you feel more connected. 

It’s OK if you feel less connected. 

It’s OK if you are feeling a combination of all of these. 

It’s OK if you’re feeling something completely different than any of these. 

It’s Ok if you don’t feel Ok right now.

It’s OK if you do.

It’s OK to share that you’re not OK. 

It’s OK to share that you are. 

There is no right way to feel right now. We are all coming at this from our own unique set of circumstances, our own personalities, our own worries and fears and hopes and dreams. Your experience and feelings are your own, and they are all OK. 

Being Out of Touch

Recently my friend Maiga Milbourne posted on social media about realizing how much of life revolves around being with people and touching things (I’m paraphrasing her exact words here). It got me thinking about this as well - particularly in terms of the role of touch. I realized how much of my daily life, too, depends on touch, and how much I’m feeling literally out of touch. 

There are some obvious ones. I’m big on personal touch. I’m a big time hugger (with permission and where appropriate, of course). I was raised in a family of huggers, and physical closeness is something that’s always been a big thing for me. Of the five love languages, physical touch often ties for second. And to clarify, physical touch among love languages doesn’t just refer to the obvious (this is generally a family friendly blog) but touch as a way to express closeness of any kind. I’m the type that will link arms with friends or stand with our arms around each others’ waists or shoulders. It’s just how I interact with others and in the world. 

Ironically, I’m also a person that needs a lot of space, being an introvert, and sensory sensitivities mean that sometimes it’s difficult for me to deal with touch. Additionally, I’ve dealt with physical trauma in the past, so I understand the ways in which touch can be painful, both physically and emotionally, and I totally respect that. Despite this, though, I’m overall huge on touch, and not being able to hug family and friends, to be in proximity with them, even for this socially anxious introvert is tricky. 

Despite the obviousness of hugs and the like, it affects so much else. As a yoga teacher, I often provide hands adjusts and assists (again, with permission). Not only can it help assist form and deepening of the pose, it can help the student ground, and at least from my own experience as a student, it somehow helps me connect deeper to the pose - it’s like by connecting with another human, I connect more with myself, and the pose itself. It’s amazing what we can do with virtual yoga, but naturally, this physical touch element is missing. 

Aside from human to human contact, there’s so much that we touch in everyday life. There are things like picking out produce at the grocery store. While I always try to be cognizant of it, these days I definitely don’t want to pick something up, decide it’s not right, and put it back. The other day I found myself taking a pepper that looked a little past it’s prime upon closer inspection because I’d already touched it and felt like I should therefore take it “just in case”. Like, just in case I become sick and I’ve touched that pepper and unknowingly infected someone via the produce section at Whole Foods. There’s the touch of helping people. How often in daily life do we see a stranger struggling to open a door with their hands full, or carry something that looks heavy for them. Or a parent drops something without realizing it as they’re trying to juggle ten things in their hands and take care of their child. Our first instinct, or at least mine, is to run and try to help. Stand in their place and push open the door, help them carry one of the many items in their hand, help them lift that thing that looks too heavy, pick up that the parent dropped and return it to them. But right now, we can’t even get close enough to help, let alone physically touch the thing they were just touching. 

In our condo, there’s an agreement that when a package for someone is left in the front lobby (and therefore would be visible to anyone looking in), you bring it inside the second set of double doors, where the outside world can’t see it but other residents of the condo building can. Now, we have to be extra careful - who else touched this package? What if we move this package and then it turns out we get sick and we’ve unknowingly passed it along? I want to help out my neighbors and don’t want to unknowingly make them or myself sick in the process.

It’s amazing how much of our world revolves around touch, both the obvious human to human contact, and the less obvious human to object or human to object to human contact. So much of what we do on a regular basis involves directly or indirectly touching other people. And for a person whose so big into personal connection like me, the absence of that, the inability to help others, to be there for others through some sort of touch, is becoming increasingly noticeable. I’m so glad that today’s technology allows us to connect, to be together, even apart. But I, for one, cannot wait to hug my friends again, to help out my neighbors, to assist a stranger that needs it, to pick out vegetables in the supermarket without fear of unintentionally causing harm to myself and/or another. I hope that this lesson stays with me, that in the future I don’t take this ability to help through touch quite so much for granted. 

Yoga Inversions for Beginners

In yoga, an inversion refers to a pose in which your head is closer to the ground than your heart. There are numerous benefits to inversions, including improved circulation, increased energy (active inversions such as handstand), relaxation (“passive” inversions such as Legs Up the Wall and Shoulder Stand), core and other muscle strengthening, and improved balance, to name a few. Admittedly, “a pose where your head is closer to the ground than your heart” can sound daunting, especially to those newer to yoga. And while it’s true that there are certain inversions, such as handstand, that I wouldn’t recommend to yoga beginners, there are certainly inversions that are more accessible. I thought I’d share some of these options here, for those who might want to try an inversion, but who may not feel confident attempting the poses more classically thought of as inversions. (Note: You’ll see at least one pose here at least that likely looks quite familiar, and if you’ve taken yoga, you’ve probably already done it!).

Before I continue with the poses, though, there are a few contraindications to inversions. While each person experiences these uniquely, you may want to consider avoiding or modifying/using caution with any of the following:

• Hypertension (especially uncontrolled/untreated) and heart conditions

• Detached retinas

• Vertigo/Dizziness/Inner ear trouble/anything else that could make you feel disoriented with your heart above your head.

• Recent dental work (such as recent oral surgery)

• If trying the pose causes pain, especially in the head/neck/spine

*Pregnancy and inversions: While it can be safe to do inversions that you’re familiar with in pregnancy, I wouldn’t recommend learning a new one, especially one with the chance of a potential fall (i.e. handstand, forearm handstand, headstand) when pregnant. If you have inversions in your practice and are comfortable doing them (and have been given no reason by a medical professional not to), then it’s not unsafe as a rule. Everyone’s experience is going to feel different, and it’s best to work with your medical/health professionals, yoga instructors, and your own experience/knowledge of your body to make decisions about your practice.

Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward facing dog is one of the most recognizable yoga poses, and it’s one that’s incorporated frequently in most Vinyasa and Hatha classes, among other styles. A few of the key cues for down dog include:

• Hands are shoulder-width apart, with either middle or pointer finger pointing toward the top of the mat (I’ve heard it both ways, I think it depends on which feels best to you).

• Feet are hips width apart

• Press down evenly into both hands and feet

• Hips (“sits bones”) lifting toward the ceiling

• Navel in and up, low ribs in (but make sure you’re not holding your breath!)

• Gaze is either between the knees or toward the navel.

Dolphin Pose

Dolphin more or less looks like a downward facing dog on the forearms. Getting into Dolphin:

• Start in Table (hands and knees).

• Bring the forearms onto the ground, palms facing down. Elbows are directly under shoulders (a good test of the placement is to see if you can grab opposite forearms, then swing the arms back out so palms are down).

• Step the legs back into a forearm plank. Press down through the hands and forearms to avoid dumping into the shoulders.

• Navel in and up, low ribs in.

• Begin walking the feet towards the head, so that you come into a slightly shortened down dog on the forearms.

• Gaze is between the thumbs.

Dolphin with legs slightly further away from the head.

Dolphin after walking feet in towards the head more.

Bridge Pose (Setu Bandhasana)

Bridge pose is a back bend that’s excellent for opening up the heart, solar plexus area, and the back body, and while it’s not often thought as an inversion, it is. It may not give quite the same ‘heart above the head’ feeling or appearance as other inversions, but it’s a great way to get some of the benefits of inversions while still feeling relatively connected to the ground. It’s also an excellent prep pose for other back bends and inversions.

• Lie on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor, feet about hips width distance apart.

• Walk the feet as close to the glutes (butt) as you can.

• Wiggle the shoulder blades underneath your body.

• On an inhale, press into the feet, lifting the hips in the direction of the knees.

• Chest comes towards your chin, chin lifts away from the chest (allowing the throat to stay as open as possible).

• Thighs squeeze towards each other.

• There are a variety of hand positions. I have demonstrated two here. Clasping the hands underneath you is another popular option.

Classic Bridge arm position.

“Robot arms”: Elbows bend, hands frame hips.

Legs Up The Wall (Viparita Karani)

I’ve never heard the Sanskrit name actually used in class, but I included in case you hear it. Legs Up The Wall is a passive inversion often done at end of class (or occasionally the beginning to settle into class). While the heart isn’t technically any further from the ground than the head, the legs being well over head make this an inversion in my book. As demonstrated here, if you don’t have a wall, you can use another surface for support behind the legs, though a wall is ideal. Getting into Legs Up the Wall (or in this case, the couch):

• Sit in side profile to the wall, with one hip against the wall.

• Walk the hands behind you, and begin to bend the elbows. Begin gently lowering the torso toward the ground.

• As you do this, begin to walk the legs up onto the wall (they’ll be bent at first).

• Continue this action until you’re able to straighten your legs up the wall (butt/backs of legs are against the wall).

• Hands are usually down by the sides, palms up.

Any time you exit an inversion, even a passive one like legs up the wall, give yourself time to come up slowly, and perhaps take a counter pose. From downward facing dog, we often walk forward to a fold at the top of the mat (this is also technically an inversion!) or pull forward to a plank. From Dolphin, close legged child’s pose is a nice counter pose. From Bridge, we often move into a supine twist, move slowly back up to seated, or move into another back bend. Legs Wall is often done right before the end of class, so it’s usually easy to come out of gently and stay low to the ground. If you do it at another point of class (or on it’s own at home), I suggest bending the knees so the soles of the feet are against the wall and then slowly rolling off to one side, pausing there for a moment before fully getting up.

If you have questions about these poses or inversions in general (or anything yoga related, really) I’m happy to help! Always feel free to reach out to me via comment, email, or social media.

Allowing the Perfectly Imperfect

The process started unintentionally about a month ago, completely unrelated to COVID19. I woke up one day to find that I had a rash on my chest, which over the next week popped up on my hands, face, back and forearms. If you know me at all, you know that I am terrified of rashes. I mean they send me into a full blown panic. I don’t know what it is about them, but you know that reaction you have when the person sitting next to you says something like “yeah I’ve been battling a stomach virus for three days” and you go into “OHMYGODNOOOOOO” mode? Yeah, that’s me with unidentified rashes on my body. Fast forward, I ended up at the dermatologist who told me it was an allergic reaction to …. something (still not sure what it was, but it was not poison ivy or anything that could be spread)… and I was given specific instructions about what I could and couldn’t do regarding my skin - what soaps and shampoos I could use, how long I was allowed to shower for and that I was not allowed to wear any makeup for at least two weeks. Up until that day, unless I’m teaching a class or doing some other form of workout, I’ve rarely left the house without makeup in the last 25 years or so. Partly, it’s me being super self-conscious, and partly I love the creative aspect of playing with different colors and shades. But if I’m being honest, it’s mostly the self-conscious thing. As hard as I try not to, there’s always the internal comparison to others, and I see everyone else looking amazing with their makeup and myself looking super plain and pale with my sun spots and blemishes (at least that’s how it looks to me), and it gets to my already staggeringly low self-esteem, even though I’d never judge others so harshly and am not by any means a looks-focused person. 

But I decided to use this as an opportunity (albeit a forced one) to get more comfortable not only literally in my own skin, but with others seeing that. I decided that every day I was going to post a picture with no makeup and no filter/touch ups etc. Now, I’ll be the first one to admit that there were plenty of outtakes. I didn’t post the first picture I took each time regardless of how I looked. I often chose the best of a bunch, which still sometimes wasn’t even something I particularly wanted to post. But I did it. I’m still doing it most days (I’ve only missed one and it wasn’t intentional). And even though the allergic reaction seems to be cleared up, at least for the time being, and I’m permitted to ease back into wearing makeup again (one new item every few days in case of reaction), I haven’t been - though this has admittedly been aided by the fact that we now basically can’t leave our houses so it seems why waste it. I may start playing with it again to make sure I *can* wear it without a reaction, for special events or just when I feel it, but I no longer feel like I absolutely need it to look even remotely fit for public viewing, or even my own viewing. In fact, I’ve been enjoying the freedom of not wearing it. 

Amidst all of this, the pandemic. Everything’s basically shut down. I was scheduled for a hair appointment, an overdue one at that, two weeks ago that (understandably) didn’t happen. It probably won’t happen for a while, so along with everyone else, I guess we’re just going to find out what I look like when I not only grow my hair out but with zero style or trimming to aid in the process. And while I’m not loving this, mainly because I truly prefer my hair short and choppy, I’m seeing where it goes and learning to be more comfortable with it - after all, my options are to live with it and fight against it, or live with it and accept it, and I (as I expect we all do) have enough stress and anxiety right now that I don’t really want to add an unnecessary fight with my hair, of all things, to the mix. 

In addition to the more obvious/appearance based changes, there’s the fact that yoga studios are closed, and because of physical distancing (and offices working remotely), I’m also not teaching my corporate class or even private yoga sessions in person. So I’m having to adapt there. I’ve started teaching my weekly Benefit Class from home via zoom. I do not have fancy equipment. I have a several-year-old laptop and zoom. I do not have a dedicated yoga space. I have a living room in a one bedroom condo where I have to move the coffee table out of the way to have enough space for my mat, and there’s always the strong possibility of my dog running around, barking, sitting on my mat, or licking my face during the class (see photo above, taken right before my first ever zoom class started). 

I’ve also been using my lunch breaks and extra time before and after work from home hours to do mini video tutorials of yoga poses or sequences. I even recorded a couple of these via zoom and on impulse, decided to share them online. I’m considering pre-recording some more classes and mini classes, along with possibly some basic at-home barre workouts using a chair or counter instead of a barre, and sharing them.  All recorded via my computer (which admittedly makes the sound iffy) or my phone, rudimentarily edited by yours truly using whatever editing options come standard to said computer or phone, featuring whatever state of upkeep my living room (and myself!) is in at the time. They’re far from perfect. It’s not the perfect set up. The audio isn’t ideal. I have a lot of technical issues like the fact that for some reason whenever I open zoom my cursor disappears and I have to keep using trial and error to get it to do what I want. Because I’m terrible at looking people in the eye due to hating attention on myself, I am equally as bad at looking at the camera. I often see myself in video with my head down, shoulders hunched, which doesn’t really give the air of confidence I’m hoping for, but for better or worse, that’s where I am in this process at the moment. I don’t love seeing my body on camera. I’ve struggled a ton with body image over the years - I lived with disordered eating in my 20s and body image issues still plague me at times. I have more curves in certain places (like the whole lower half of my body) than I’d ideally like - nothing highlights the size of one’s butt more than seeing it suspended above one’s head in an inversion! Then I’m judging myself for judging my body, because I would never judge someone else’s this way. The screen shots that the videos decide to capture to represent the video online always have me in some incredibly awkward transitional movement/facial expression that I definitely would NOT have chosen as the image to use for promoting …..anything. But this is where I am. Teaching myself how to use the technology I have to create these videos and classes. Seeing myself as my body is right now. Accepting that this is my body, and this is how it looks on video. I’m learning to allow all of it -my thoughts, my body, my trials and errors in the process - without judging myself too harshly for any of it, or at least doing my best not to. 

The common thread in all of this is that I’m allowing myself to be as I am. And I’m allowing others to see me truly as I am as well. I’m allowing myself to see me as I am. I’ve always considered myself an open person. I’m a mental health advocate that’s shared extensively about my life with a mood cycling disorder. I don’t shy away from photos when I’ve been crying because of depression or anxiety, because it’s important for me to share that side of myself and my life so that others who struggle know that they're not alone. But I have learned through this that there are still areas in which I’ve been less ok with being vulnerable. And I’m also learning that it’s perfectly ok that I’m imperfect. It’s ok to allow others to see this perfectly imperfect side of me, not just when I’m sharing about mental health, or intentionally sharing something vulnerable, but also in general. It’s ok if my message isn’t about “being ok with my hair being a mess” but my hair is still a mess. It’s ok if the point of the yoga video isn’t to show that you can do yoga in a messy-ish living room, but I’m doing yoga in a messy-ish living room. 

We’re all imperfect. To be imperfect is to be human. Our current situation is encouraging us to do what we can with what we have and allow that to be enough.  We’re appreciating and accepting these imperfections so much more right now, not only in each other, but in ourselves. We’re seeing the vulnerability of others, and we’re allowing them to see ours. We’re connecting, even though we’re apart, on a real, human level. And personally, I think it’s beautiful - makeup-less, sweatpants, un-managed hair, messy living rooms, and all.

April Theme: Allowing It All

When I created my monthly themes for this year, I never thought we’d be turning life as we know it on its head due to a global pandemic. I know it’s not easy for anyone. I know so many people who are high risk or worried about loved ones who are especially vulnerable, or people who are ill themselves. There’s the essential workers having to work through all of this, trying to keep themselves and their loved ones healthy. I know people who have lost jobs and are struggling financially. There’s the loneliness factor of feeling so closed off and disconnected from each other. For many, there’s the adjustment from the regular work/school day to multiple people working at home, possibly while kids are taking classes online. There’s trying to keep up our health and wellness while having to make do with what groceries are left by the time we get to the store, and adapting our studio or gym workout to home. I’m know there are a plethora of concerns I haven’t covered here, as we’re all unique and while we’re all sharing much of the same struggle, no two people are going to be affected exactly the same. 

And so, my theme for April is allowing. Allowing everything that you’re feeling. Allowing yourself to feel the worry and the concern, the feeling of being scattered or uncertain, the loneliness, the sadness. At the same time, allowing yourself to feel the joy in the small moments, or maybe even the big moments. (I have had several friends welcome babies into the world in the past month, for instance, and that’s certainly something to feel joyful about). Allowing yourself to take pleasure in having extra time at home with your spouse or your kids or your pet or yourself. Allowing yourself to have moments where you don’t feel that way as well. Allowing yourself time to adjust. Allowing yourself time to relax, unwind, do something mindless to take a break from the onslaught of heavy information that is the news these days. Allowing yourself to try something new, whether it’s something new for your business or work, a new hobby, a new family activity, or a new approach to an old routine. Allowing for that new thing you try to not be perfect, or perhaps not work at all. Allowing for it to be better than the old way, and to become something you continue when we’re on the other side of this. Allowing yourself to learn and grow and expand from this, even though we would never wish for this type of learning experience. Allowing yourself to ask for help if you need it, and to offer help if you’re able and inclined. 

Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, allow it. Allow the flow of feelings, the light with the heavy, the laughter with the worry and fear, the busy with the bored, the stillness with the activity. Often, it’s the tug of war between what we feel we “should” be doing/thinking/feeling, and the reality that exists that creates such a struggle. So take some time to try to let that go, even if for a moment. Allow yourself a pause. Allow yourself to be, wherever you are in this moment. 

Maintaining Our Goals While Adjusting How We Get There

Each morning as part of my morning practice I write affirmations. Not the “good vibes” or “everything will work out as it should” type of affirmations. They’re more long range goals and dreams written from the present perspective. So, for instance, if your goal was to own your own xyz company, it would be written as something like “I own and operate a successful xyz company” or if it was to complete a marathon, it would be written as “I completed a marathon” or “I am a marathon runner,” or something of the like.

These past couple of weeks, I’ve come to an interesting realization - despite being an introvert with social anxiety, the majority of my affirmations center around interacting or working with other people and being out in the world. As a yoga teacher, I have affirmations around goals like leading retreats and raising a certain amount of money for charity with my yoga benefit programs. I have an affirmation regarding the Spread Hope Project road trip, an idea that I’ve been developing for some time in my head, and posted about a while back on my Spread Hope Project website. While I won’t reiterate the whole thing here, it involves combining travel, yoga, and raising money for mental health related organizations across the country (I have big dreams, what can I say), all of which rely on interactions with others. I even have affirmations regarding spending more time with friends which, despite having amazing friends, I tend to have to encourage myself to do due to my natural introverted tendencies, as well as chronic illness flareups.

And so, as we move through our second week of being more or less home all the time, with the exception of grocery store runs and walking the dog, I’m having to adjust, as so many of us are. At first, as I wrote out my affirmations each morning, they felt like they were all a bit on hold. How can I work on my goal of my Spread Hope Project road trip, of reaching people in all 48 contiguous states with yoga charity benefits, if I am barely allowed to leave my house? How do I grown my yoga business toward the level of offering retreats if we can’t gather together, can’t travel? How can I see my friends if I can’t see my friends? But as I move into this third week, I’m beginning to explore new ways of approaching these goals for the time being.

Despite hating the idea of videoing myself and being on video in my living room (I just don’t really like to see or hear video of myself), I’ve been working on a few yoga videos - some more class like, some simply tutorials or videos of one pose. They’re by no means professional-looking (note: please DO NOT comment trying to sell me professional video services/equipment etc). I still don’t love seeing or hearing myself on video, and honestly, I have always felt weird promoting myself probably because I’m my own worst critic. But I’m doing this nonetheless. This week, I’m attempting to hold my first Zoom yoga class for my weekly Tuesday Benefit Class. It might be far from perfect and my dog might wander in the background, but I’m doing it nonetheless. I know that right now people are stressed out and not able to move as much and they miss their weekly class, so I’m offering them this service, flaws and possible dog walking in the background of the video and all. I know so many others doing similar across so many industries. We’re readjusting how we do things in our day to day lives while still not losing site of the end goals or affirmations or dreams or whatever they are to you.

On a the friends and family note, we’re finding new ways to connect with friends and loved ones. We’re doing virtual happy hours and coffee gatherings. We’re reaching out to connect with each other. We’re finding innovative ways to be together while apart.

At the same times, there are times that it’s hard to focus. There are times when we have to step back from that goal and focus on ourselves and our health, both physical and mental. There are times we need to step away from email or that call to make sure kids or family members are OK, because everyone a little chaotic right now. There are evenings you need to zone out, turn off the news updates for a bit and play MarioKart (totally hypothetical, of course….). And that’s all fine too. We’re adjusting to this new way of existing and coexisting, of keeping our goals in sight while also allowing for the leeway we all need as we navigate this. It’s a balancing act, and it’s one that’s going to continue to evolve as we move through this.

As always, my texts, emails, and DMs are open if you’re in need of a chat, a vent, or are struggling during this time. They’re also open if you’re in need of brainstorming new ways to approach goals, or just tossing around ideas in general. I’m around for virtual coffee gatherings or virtual happy hours. Basically, I’m here if you need and if you think I can help. Stay safe, stay at home if you can, and we’ll get through this together at a physical distance.

Ahimsa In the Time of COVID19

I know that originally my topic of the month was fear, but life has changed drastically in the past month. When I planned out my themes at the beginning of the year, I had no idea we’d be in the midst of a pandemic. And trust me, there’s plenty I could write about with fear in relation to this. I have loved ones and friends who are high risk for all sorts of reasons. The idea of one of them getting it is terrifying. I have from a mood cycling disorder, and spending the majority of my time in a one-bedroom condo for weeks isn’t going to be great for my depression. The uncertainty of everything changing day to day is scary. There’s so much I could speak to with fear, and maybe I will later in the month. But right now, as a yoga teacher and a yoga student, I feel the need to talk about the first of the Yamas, Ahimsa or non-harming, in the time of COVID19.

First, there’s the obvious non-harming. Do everything you can not to put yourself and others at risk of infection. Don’t take twenty packets of toilet paper or all of the bread and milk and leave none for anyone else. Don’t force your workers to come to work when it’s been mandated that your type of business close. Put people and saving lives over profits. This is (or should be, in my opinion) the obvious type of non-harming.

But also, I’m observing another type of harming. I’m observing it in terms of judgement and unnecessary (and unhelpful) criticism of others and ourselves. Maybe you are judging another parent because you think they aren’t doing enough in their at home schooling. Or you criticize a teacher, who was probably given about 24 hours or less to transition their lessons online and figure out how teach from home, for not doing their classes from home exactly as you think they should be doing. Maybe you are criticizing someone that’s spending their time home watching TV, when you’ve decided to start those ten new hobbies you’ve wanted to do and didn’t have time for.

Or take something that happened to me recently. I did a super rough “draft” video of a yoga warm up from home. I have students that wanted to practice, and I’m playing with how I can teach them from home, or at least offer videos that they can access. I explained that it was a rough draft, that it was my first time doing a video like this. I was incredibly nervous to post it because of my massive fears of failure and rejection, and of course, instead of posting it on a small group page, accidentally posted it on a public profile. And the first comment I got on it, after being so nervous to post and explaining that I was doing my best not being tech savvy and that this was a draft, was a comment from someone I vaguely know who commented “Just so you know, your audio is horrible”. The person then went on to publicly describe in the comments just how horrible it was. Now, this person didn’t offer me a solution. They didn’t reach out privately and say “Hey, I work with AV (they don’t to my knowledge), let me offer some tips” or “I use this service for my free videos, and I’ve always found it worked really well.” No, they simply told me it was horrible. Publicly. They claimed to be trying to help, but there’s nothing helpful about saying “this is horrible” and offering nothing on what I could do to fix the issue.

All of these situations described above are examples of harming, of not practicing ahimsa. They might not be as blatant as ignoring the mandates to stay home and instead partying on spring break. They aren’t “global-pandemic-spreading” type of harmful, but they are harmful in a different, more personal way. So many of us are struggling right now. We might be struggling financially, or emotionally due to feeling isolated. We may be struggling because we’re physically ill or our loved ones are. We might be extremely anxious because or a loved one is high risk. And while there’s always an exception, so many of us are doing the best we can. We’re yoga teachers having to teach from the living room while our dog or kid tries to sit on the mat. We’re teachers having to move lessons online overnight. We’re parents having to be parent, employee or business owner, and home school supervisor at the same time. We’re having to get creative to do in-person jobs remotely. We’re people who have been temporarily laid off and having to figure out what to do. We’re small business owners trying to desperately keep our company afloat. And through it all, we’re having to limit our in person connections which, even for this socially anxious introvert, over time, can be difficult and isolating. Judgement and criticism (not critique, but criticism) when people are doing their best with a terrible situation is doing harm. It’s especially harmful when you don’t know all of the facts of their situation, which no matter how much we think we know, we rarely do.

On the same token, often, it’s ourselves that we need to practice Ahimsa towards. We are so frequently our own worst critics. So please know that it’s OK if your home school lessons plans are written on the back of a paper towel and your neighbor has a color-coded, laser printed copy divided down to the hour. It’s OK if you’re working in sweatpants and your coworkers are posting pictures of them working from home like they’re dressed up for an night out. It’s fine if you’re annoyed at your kids or your pet or your whoever for being loud while you’re on a zoom conference. It’s OK if you need to step outside (six feet away from other people) and take a breather because being at home with your kids running around and your pet sitting on your lap or your computer while you’re trying to work is taking it’s toll (ahem: I’m not suggesting you leave small children alone, use common sense of course). Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you’ve had something amazing happen lately (got engaged, got married, had a baby, got your book picked up by a publisher, whatever it is, wrote a new song, etc), it’s OK to be happy about it. The world is suffering right now but that doesn’t mean every moment of every single person’s day has to be that way. And it’s OK if you don’t know how to feel. It’s OK if you’re scared or anxious or depressed or nervous. It’s OK if you don’t feel OK. It’s also OK if you find moments of joy laughing with your kids or your partner or snuggling your pet. All of this is OK. Be kind to yourself. Practice ahimsa towards others, and also towards yourself. These are unique times and we’re unexpected situations that change by the day, sometimes the hour, and we’re all figuring this out as we go along.

Leaning Into Curiosity In These Uncertain Times

This month my theme is fear, and while I didn’t intend to talk about it from the angle of COVID19 and the far reaching effects of what’s going on in our world right now, sometimes life throws you curve balls, and you change tactics. If I’m going to be totally honest, since we’re talking about fear, I’ll make a “confession”: curve balls are one of my biggest fears. (It’s probably obvious, but I’m talking about my fear of figurative curve balls here, not the baseball variety). I don’t like uncertainty. I’m a type A planner. I run a travel planning company, so I’ve literally made a living of planning. I have a Master’s in Marketing. Marketers plan stuff out. It’s also my general personality. I’m the type of person that likes to always know the next steps, and someone who always likes to be planning the next thing. When it boils down to it, I’m terrified of a lack of control.

I think this is the case for a lot of people, but for me, much of it comes from my chronic illnesses. I have a rapid mood cycling disorder called rapid cycling cyclothymia, which means that my moods can cycle between depression, hypomania, and “regular mood” (i.e. neither of the formers) as infrequently as every week or two, or as frequently as every few hours. When you literally feel like you have no idea what your brain is going to do in the next few hours and how it’s going to throw off your emotions, your attention span, your feelings about yourself (depression is not kind to self esteem, self worth, self confidence), it can be scary. In addition, I suffer from other chronic illnesses such as Migraine, arthritis, and GI issues that can flare up at any time. When your internal world, including your brain, often feel so uncertain and outside of your control, it can make that need for control of external circumstances feel even more crucial.

And yet right now, I am having to face that lack of control head on. (To be clear, we can’t actually ever control things outside of ourselves, especially other people, but often it feels like we at least have a little say in how things in our life work). Things have been changing daily, often hourly, and we’re having to acknowledge that we don’t know what lies ahead. Right now, things might be closed for two weeks. But that could change. It could be double that. It could be months. We don’t know. While I don’t currently work full time in either travel planning or yoga, these are both parts of my life and my livelihood. And yet I’m having to adjust. I cannot in good conscience encourage my clients to make new travel plans right now (I do almost exclusively overseas travel, much of it to Europe, so that’s more or less at a halt). I have cancelled my weekly Benefit Yoga Class for the next couple of weeks, because the health and safety of my participants and their loved ones (and my loved ones) is more important than the money I make from that, of course. And yet obviously, all of this affects my income, and our household income, and I have to adjust there. And we have no real idea how the course of things will go, how long these cancellations and changes to life and livelihood will last, or what the next change will be.

And I’ll be honest, all of this uncertainty is anxiety inducing. I’m not good with constant change, with not knowing how things will be one day to the next. My already anxious and cycling brain does not like it one bit. And of course, I’m controlling what I can by cancelling the classes and events I have the power to cancel, staying home unless necessary, finding other ways to connect with the people I care about. But I cannot control it all. So instead I’m leaning in to curiosity where I can. I’m curious to see how we’re able to be creative at my day job to get things done while working from home. It’s requiring lots of teamwork, and that’s actually really cool - different departments pulling together to make this all happen. In my yoga work, I’m exploring the idea of doing photo series of poses and flows that people can put together to create their own practice at home. I’m even considering videos, which truthfully terrifies me. But it’s forcing me to step out of my comfort zone and explore these options to help my students to develop a home practice, and to maybe help others to get some needed movement and stress relief/mindfulness. I’m learning, ever so slowly, to take things a day or two at a time. To have my main plan, and then some backup options in case the main plan doesn’t work out (even backup plans are tough for me, as I’m usually so set on my main plan). And I’m learning to acknowledge that even the back up to the back up plan may have to go out the window and I may end up in uncharted territory.

Is it my ideal? Not at all. Primarily because a global pandemic that puts people’s lives at risk is obviously never something I’d want, no matter how many lessons it teaches me. But I am learning a lot about myself in this. I’m learning what I, and so many others, are capable of (way more than we often think). So little by little, I’m being curious where I can, working to lean into the uncertainty instead of bristle against it and produce even further anxiety. It is the ultimate practice in the yama of Aparigraha, or letting go.

How An Allergic Reaction Is Forcing Me to Re-Focus On Myself

Last week, I broke out in some sort of an allergic reaction. It started on my chest and neck first thing in the morning. At work, I noticed it was on my right thumb. By the end of the day, it was all over my right hand. Saturday, it showed up on my left hand, and by Sunday it was on my nose. At this point, I decided this wasn’t just going to disappear on its own, and I got some cortisone cream, mostly for my hands, chest, and neck (wasn’t sure about putting that on my face). Monday, it seemed to improve. But Tuesday, I noticed it spreading on my face, and moving towards my eye, which completely freaked me out (don’t really relish the idea of mystery rash in my eye!) and I called a dermatologist, who managed to get me an appointment for Thursday (note: this is almost unheard of for a new patient appointment and I was super grateful). By the time I got to the dermatologist, the reaction had eased a bit from my face and upper chest/neck, but reappeared lower on my chest and was on my upper back/neck and forearms. Basically, it keeps randomly showing up places and each place it shows up, it presents slightly differently.

The dermatologist confirmed that it’s most likely an allergic reaction, though to what neither she or I can say. But she took it seriously enough that she wants me to go back in two weeks, and also gave me strict instructions, as well as a treatment plan, for the two weeks in between. She said if it doesn’t improve, or goes away and come back, the next step is an allergist.

I’d also like to pause here and acknowledge something hugely important. Her first suggestion was a course of oral steroids. She could read my reaction immediately. I explained that I have a mood disorder, and that I’ve really been struggling with it lately. I told her I was worried about my mental health if I had to take something that is known for side effects that include mood swings and anxiety, on top of what I’m battling. It was at this point that she suggested we try something else first and suggested the current plan. She not only listened, but was understanding and addressed my concern. As I left, she even said kindly, “I hope you start to feel better soon. In every way”, clearly acknowledging my mental health struggles. I cannot tell you how valuable that is as a patient. Especially as a patient whose condition (mood disorder) is often addressed by essentially being told to think positive thoughts or to try harder to be in a better mood or something equally ridiculous.

Back to the treatment/instructions. I have very specific shower instructions, instructions on what soaps and lotions and even shampoos and conditioners I can use. I have to take an antihistamine twice a day and I have two different cream medications (face and rest of body). I also am not allowed to wear makeup for two weeks. Technically she said I can wear things like lipstick and eye liner, but basically nothing that touches the majority of my face, and ideally, none at all. This might sound like a silly thing, but when you have a “rash” that’s been randomly showing up on your face and you work in the public sector (and people don’t know you’re not contagious from looking at you), this can feel less than ideal. But I’ve decided that I am going to use this treatment plan as an opportunity, instead of looking at it simply as a hassle.

It might be good for my body to get back to the basic shampoos and soaps, to take extra care of my skin. It may be good to let my face “breathe” a bit more, and not have makeup on. I’ve also decided that since I don’t know what caused this reaction, I’m going to more spend a bit more time examining various aspects of my life - the food I’m eating, for instance. Or what I come in contact with (am I places where there are lots of perfumes/scents/sprays/those essential oil wafting things/etc). Also, the fabrics I’m wearing - are they the kind that are gentle on my skin? What’s the material? Even my clothes washing process. It’s not that I of these specifically caused it, but it’s a good time to step back and examine exactly what I’m exposing myself and my body/skin to in general.

Also, and I want to be EXTREMELY clear here that I’m NOT saying anything like “this is in my head” or blaming myself for an allergic reaction , but as I mentioned, my moods haven’t been well. I’ve been extremely anxious, depressed, emotional, cycling a lot. Some nights I struggle to fall asleep, or wake up at hours like 4AM and can’t go back to sleep. I rush from one place to the next. I’ve gotten so busy working and building my yoga business that I haven’t taken as much time for my own yoga practice. I’ve been drinking more coffee and not enough water. And while neither I nor the dermatologist at all things this is a “stress break out”, (she didn’t even suggest this when I mentioned my mood disorder, which I was incredibly grateful for, because I know this isn’t “all in my head”) I imagine that none of this is helping my immune system, and that I’m not at my best for fighting an allergic reaction. So I decided that perhaps I need to start examining some of these things as well. Of course, I can’t just change my thoughts and change my mood disorder. It’s an illness, and illnesses don’t work like that. But I can examine my sleep habits, the amount of time I carve out for things like yoga and meditation, the way in which I schedule my days/time, and this type of thing. Since I’m stepping back to re-focus on the external environment, it seems like a good time examine my internal environment as well, and see where perhaps I’m not being kind to myself in this area.

So while I’ll never say that I’m glad to have an allergic reaction, especially one that I have no idea where it came from and pops up randomly in a new spot just as I think it’s starting to get better, this is forcing me to re-focus on myself a bit. I’m having to get back to basics with my skincare and “beauty” regimen. I’m refocusing on what I’m consuming and exposing myself to. I’m re-looking at things like my schedule and how I use my time, and how I’m practicing self care - not in terms of bubble baths and spa appointments, but in terms of actually taking care of myself, of working with my chronic illnesses instead of pushing against them. In yoga, there’s a term Sauca. It’s one of the Niyamas, and it more or less means purification. And while it traditionally refers to things like using a netti pot, dry brushing (DEFINITELY not something I should do right now), tongue scraping, and this kind of thing, in a way, I’m being forced to do my own version of sauca. I’m having to purify, in a way, what I’m putting on my skin and body, and I’m choosing to extend this to what I put in my body and expose it to. And while it’s not the same as the true meaning of sauca, I feel that by connecting this in a way to what I’ve learned in yoga, I’m able to turn this from something that could be (and possibly at times will still be) a frustrating situation to an opportunity for curiosity about my practices, and refocusing on myself.

March Monthly Theme - Fear, And What It Means For Us

Happy March! I admittedly didn’t post as much as I wanted to in February. Somehow, the month seemed to get away from me. And now, as we head into March, a month that to me represents transition, I’ve decided that this month’s theme will be a topic that I both love and strongly dislike - fear. 

Fear often stops us in our tracks. We fear that we’ll mess up, fail, be rejected. We fear that something will physically difficult or painful. We fear that we’ll be wasting time or money. We fear that we’re not good enough, not worthy. We fear that we’ll embarrass ourselves, or that we’ll be discovered as a “fraud” (aka impostor syndrome). We fear that we’ll prove all the naysayers (including the one in our own head) right. We fear the unknown, and we fear being stuck in the same place (aka the known). Not only does fear latch onto so many aspects of life, but it shows up in numerous disguises - it can look like procrastination, anger, frustration, irritability, self-sabotage (often unintentional), and perfectionism, to name a few. It can show up as a million and one excuses or justifications or reasons why we “can’t”. 

At the same time, fear can help us to understand ourselves, to learn, to grow. At its core, fear can be helpful, when it protects us from actually doing something that could put our safety at risk. Outside of the “fight or flight” type of fear response, fear can show us where we’re holding ourselves back. It can show us the beliefs we hold about ourselves that are preventing us from getting where we want to go. And in doing so, it can create for us a road map of sorts, for where we can take actions, even small ones, to set ourselves in that direction. 

This month, I’ll be posting and sharing about the theme of fear across a variety of topics. Unlike past months, posts might not always so directly address the physical yoga practice as they have in past months, but the ideas could almost certainly be applied there as well. Instead, they’ll be more focused on fear as it shows up in everyday life and in working towards goals and dreams. But as each of us faces fear in at least some area of our life, I felt this was an important topic to address, especially as we move into this last month of the first quarter of 2020, this month where the seasons transitions, where we may be looking at goals (business, personal, yoga, or other goals) that we set in January. 

And as I end, I’ll close with this: what’s one fear that you notice might be holding you back, in any aspect of life (yoga practice included!), that you’d like to work on addressing this month?

Contentment With Our Practice On and Off the Mat

As I introduced last week, this month’s theme is the Niyama of Santosha, or Contentment. Today, I want to write about contentment with our practice on and off the mat. As I mentioned last week, I think the idea of contentment often gets misconstrued. People tend to think that if you’re content, you won’t move forward. But I’m working on looking at it a different way - not fighting with where we are right now, but still allowing ourselves to keep goals and dreams for the future. The way I look at it, contentment can be as “simple” (in quotes because it’s easier said than done) as not fighting against ourselves. It doesn’t have to mean that everything is perfect where it is - it simply means we meet ourselves where we are, which is something we talk about often in yoga. 

Shoulder stand, a pose where I’m working to be content at my current ability.

On the mat, contentment could extend to several areas. It could mean contentment in the physical practice that you’re doing in the moment - being able to settle into the class, onto the mat, focusing on your breath, feeling the physical movements in your body, moving away from outside stresses for that 60 or 75 minutes. It could mean being content in the place that your practice is for now - the variations of poses you feel comfortable in, the way your body feels in each pose, how the practice makes you feel mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. It could mean contentment with the place or frequency or mode that you practice. Maybe you can’t make it to the studio often, but you’re able to get on your mat at home in the morning before everyone’s up at home or after your kids have gone to bed. 

As an instructor, it might be contentment with where your teaching practice is at the moment - the type of classes you teach, the places you teach, the way you feel when teaching, and even the space you create for your own practice. It doesn’t mean not having goals to grow or expand your teaching, it simply means meeting yourself where you are now, instead of “shoulding” yourself and fighting against what you’ve accomplished so far, where you are right now. 

Off the mat, contentment with your practice could extend to areas such as the yamas and the niyamas as I’ve been discussing in this blog, or the other steps of the eight-fold path. I’ve discussed the ways in which I focus on yoga in daily life when I wrote about topics such as non-harming, letting go, truthfulness (the yamas of ahimsa, aparigraha, and satya). I’ve also talked about the idea of connection in daily life - connecting with others, connecting with ourselves, connecting with something greater than ourselves. This idea of connection is also central to yoga, and building this connection is a way that we can practice off the mat. And so perhaps, it’s an area where we can also practice santosha or contentment. Being content with where our connections are, while not eliminating our goals and efforts for growth and development. 

If you know me, you probably know that, in full disclosure, Santosha, or Contentment is not my strongest suit. And sometimes, it seems  like the more content we try to be, the more restless we feel. I want to be clear here too, that this idea of practicing contentment does not mean allowing this to be a source for self-shame or blame. Feeling bad about yourself because you think you “should” be more content actually moves you away from contentment, not towards it. Contentment, to me at least, means instead that you’re ok with where you are in the process, wherever that is. That you accept yourself as you are at this moment. And I think that it’s actually at this point of contentment that, far from hindering our pursuit of  goals and dreams, that we’re able to take a step forward and move toward them, if we choose to do so. And if you are content with exactly where you are and make the conscious choice to stay there, then that, too, is perfectly OK too. 

Practicing Santosha, or Contentment, In Daily Life

Happy February! Everyone thought January was the longest month in the history of months, but I have to be honest - I didn’t. For me, I can’t believe we’re already a month into 2020.  I’m still trying to remember not to date things with 2019, but it appears I’m in the minority here. So if you are one of those people who felt that January was 275 days long, well, it’s done! And February, even with an extra day, is guaranteed to at least technically be shorter. 

I took a pause on blogging the past couple of weeks, not for any intentional reason, but my jobby job (i.e. the thing I do during the day that pays the bills) got busy, I subbed a lot, and also this past week a family member had surgery, which happened to fall on the day I normally post my blogs, so I didn’t post. I had meant to start blogging on the Niyamas in January, having finished the Yamas in December, but I quite honestly just didn’t get around to it. And it just so happened that what I had planned for my February theme also is one of the Niyamas, so I decided I’ll just start with that Niyama, and go from there. 

This month, I’m focusing on the Niyama of Santosha, or Contentment. I’m going to be super honest: this is not a Niyama I’m well-practiced in. I could go into a whole thing about my personality type (INFJ,  in case you’re wondering), and how most of us categorized as intuitives always like to have something in the works, be planning for the future, be five steps ahead, and this can make it tricky to feel content with where we are now. And honestly, I think there is something to that. Probably more than something. I also think, in my personal case, having anxiety and depression as part of my mood cycling disorder can often hinder my contentment. Depression and anxiety, being the illnesses that they are, don’t really care if life is going exactly as you planned, they show up and try to convince you otherwise all the same. And that can make it tough to feel content, even if you think about it logically, you are. 

But I also think that sometimes, it’s how we look at contentment.  Often times, we look at contentment being solely a big picture feeling, and if we aren’t exactly where we want to be, we think we aren’t content. And I get that. I often feel far from content when I look at my goals and dreams as compared to where I am at the moment. But I don’t think that we have to be content with everything in life to practice santosha. If I break things down, I’m actually content with a lot of the smaller pieces and moments. For instance, I love teaching my benefit yoga class. I truly look forward to it every week, and I’m totally content with it. Being a benefit class, of course I’d love to grow it so that we can raise more money for the organization. And of course, the more people I get to bring yoga to that might not otherwise take it, the better, so if we get new people signed up, great!  But I honestly love what we’re doing right now, and if our classes stay as they are and we raise the money I project we’ll raise based on that, I’ll be happy. 

Or if I look at my home. Yes, it’s small for two people and a dog that thinks she’s a human.  I wasn’t married when I bought it, and we’re definitely looking to up-size. But when I sit at my peninsula in the kitchen in the morning and I write and sip my coffee, especially if it’s a weekend and I can take my time doing so, I’m content. When it’s nice out and I can take my coffee out on the deck in the morning and enjoy being in the sunlight, I’m content. When I break it down, I don’t have to think my house is perfect in order to have moments of contentment, to practice santosha, in it. 

The same can apply to my yoga practice. I can hope to increase the number of classes I take, to feel less tight in my joints, and to be able to get into certain poses the way I did when I was practicing a ton during teacher training, and I can still be content for that hour I’m practicing each time I step on the mat. The hope to grow in my practice and my contentment while I’m in the midst of it can coexist. 

I think that the mistake we often make is thinking that if we practice santosha, if we feel content, that we’re complacent or going to become so. That if we say “I’m content where I am”, we won’t feel motivated or inspired to grow or develop or change or learn new things or go after our goals and dreams. And sure there are certain situations in which that can and does happen by choice. But I don’t think it’s the norm. For instance, think about things you enjoyed doing as a kid. At five, you might have been totally content playing a specific game or activity. And yet at some point, you still grew and developed and changed. It happened naturally. At the same time, there are probably other parts of your life as a kid that morphed and evolved and grew with you. These pieces may still be part of your life, and you may still be content with them, but they aren’t exactly the same as when you were five.   

I think that at times, we can expend so much energy *not* being content, so much effort fighting ourselves and where we are, instead of meeting ourselves where we are, that we feel depleted, and it’s actually tougher to move forward. Perhaps, if we can practice santosha a little more, and let go of that grip we have on trying to change everything, we’ll find that we actually feel not complacent, but calmer and more grounded, and that can help us to move toward those goals and dreams with more clarity and intention.