Allowing the Perfectly Imperfect

The process started unintentionally about a month ago, completely unrelated to COVID19. I woke up one day to find that I had a rash on my chest, which over the next week popped up on my hands, face, back and forearms. If you know me at all, you know that I am terrified of rashes. I mean they send me into a full blown panic. I don’t know what it is about them, but you know that reaction you have when the person sitting next to you says something like “yeah I’ve been battling a stomach virus for three days” and you go into “OHMYGODNOOOOOO” mode? Yeah, that’s me with unidentified rashes on my body. Fast forward, I ended up at the dermatologist who told me it was an allergic reaction to …. something (still not sure what it was, but it was not poison ivy or anything that could be spread)… and I was given specific instructions about what I could and couldn’t do regarding my skin - what soaps and shampoos I could use, how long I was allowed to shower for and that I was not allowed to wear any makeup for at least two weeks. Up until that day, unless I’m teaching a class or doing some other form of workout, I’ve rarely left the house without makeup in the last 25 years or so. Partly, it’s me being super self-conscious, and partly I love the creative aspect of playing with different colors and shades. But if I’m being honest, it’s mostly the self-conscious thing. As hard as I try not to, there’s always the internal comparison to others, and I see everyone else looking amazing with their makeup and myself looking super plain and pale with my sun spots and blemishes (at least that’s how it looks to me), and it gets to my already staggeringly low self-esteem, even though I’d never judge others so harshly and am not by any means a looks-focused person. 

But I decided to use this as an opportunity (albeit a forced one) to get more comfortable not only literally in my own skin, but with others seeing that. I decided that every day I was going to post a picture with no makeup and no filter/touch ups etc. Now, I’ll be the first one to admit that there were plenty of outtakes. I didn’t post the first picture I took each time regardless of how I looked. I often chose the best of a bunch, which still sometimes wasn’t even something I particularly wanted to post. But I did it. I’m still doing it most days (I’ve only missed one and it wasn’t intentional). And even though the allergic reaction seems to be cleared up, at least for the time being, and I’m permitted to ease back into wearing makeup again (one new item every few days in case of reaction), I haven’t been - though this has admittedly been aided by the fact that we now basically can’t leave our houses so it seems why waste it. I may start playing with it again to make sure I *can* wear it without a reaction, for special events or just when I feel it, but I no longer feel like I absolutely need it to look even remotely fit for public viewing, or even my own viewing. In fact, I’ve been enjoying the freedom of not wearing it. 

Amidst all of this, the pandemic. Everything’s basically shut down. I was scheduled for a hair appointment, an overdue one at that, two weeks ago that (understandably) didn’t happen. It probably won’t happen for a while, so along with everyone else, I guess we’re just going to find out what I look like when I not only grow my hair out but with zero style or trimming to aid in the process. And while I’m not loving this, mainly because I truly prefer my hair short and choppy, I’m seeing where it goes and learning to be more comfortable with it - after all, my options are to live with it and fight against it, or live with it and accept it, and I (as I expect we all do) have enough stress and anxiety right now that I don’t really want to add an unnecessary fight with my hair, of all things, to the mix. 

In addition to the more obvious/appearance based changes, there’s the fact that yoga studios are closed, and because of physical distancing (and offices working remotely), I’m also not teaching my corporate class or even private yoga sessions in person. So I’m having to adapt there. I’ve started teaching my weekly Benefit Class from home via zoom. I do not have fancy equipment. I have a several-year-old laptop and zoom. I do not have a dedicated yoga space. I have a living room in a one bedroom condo where I have to move the coffee table out of the way to have enough space for my mat, and there’s always the strong possibility of my dog running around, barking, sitting on my mat, or licking my face during the class (see photo above, taken right before my first ever zoom class started). 

I’ve also been using my lunch breaks and extra time before and after work from home hours to do mini video tutorials of yoga poses or sequences. I even recorded a couple of these via zoom and on impulse, decided to share them online. I’m considering pre-recording some more classes and mini classes, along with possibly some basic at-home barre workouts using a chair or counter instead of a barre, and sharing them.  All recorded via my computer (which admittedly makes the sound iffy) or my phone, rudimentarily edited by yours truly using whatever editing options come standard to said computer or phone, featuring whatever state of upkeep my living room (and myself!) is in at the time. They’re far from perfect. It’s not the perfect set up. The audio isn’t ideal. I have a lot of technical issues like the fact that for some reason whenever I open zoom my cursor disappears and I have to keep using trial and error to get it to do what I want. Because I’m terrible at looking people in the eye due to hating attention on myself, I am equally as bad at looking at the camera. I often see myself in video with my head down, shoulders hunched, which doesn’t really give the air of confidence I’m hoping for, but for better or worse, that’s where I am in this process at the moment. I don’t love seeing my body on camera. I’ve struggled a ton with body image over the years - I lived with disordered eating in my 20s and body image issues still plague me at times. I have more curves in certain places (like the whole lower half of my body) than I’d ideally like - nothing highlights the size of one’s butt more than seeing it suspended above one’s head in an inversion! Then I’m judging myself for judging my body, because I would never judge someone else’s this way. The screen shots that the videos decide to capture to represent the video online always have me in some incredibly awkward transitional movement/facial expression that I definitely would NOT have chosen as the image to use for promoting …..anything. But this is where I am. Teaching myself how to use the technology I have to create these videos and classes. Seeing myself as my body is right now. Accepting that this is my body, and this is how it looks on video. I’m learning to allow all of it -my thoughts, my body, my trials and errors in the process - without judging myself too harshly for any of it, or at least doing my best not to. 

The common thread in all of this is that I’m allowing myself to be as I am. And I’m allowing others to see me truly as I am as well. I’m allowing myself to see me as I am. I’ve always considered myself an open person. I’m a mental health advocate that’s shared extensively about my life with a mood cycling disorder. I don’t shy away from photos when I’ve been crying because of depression or anxiety, because it’s important for me to share that side of myself and my life so that others who struggle know that they're not alone. But I have learned through this that there are still areas in which I’ve been less ok with being vulnerable. And I’m also learning that it’s perfectly ok that I’m imperfect. It’s ok to allow others to see this perfectly imperfect side of me, not just when I’m sharing about mental health, or intentionally sharing something vulnerable, but also in general. It’s ok if my message isn’t about “being ok with my hair being a mess” but my hair is still a mess. It’s ok if the point of the yoga video isn’t to show that you can do yoga in a messy-ish living room, but I’m doing yoga in a messy-ish living room. 

We’re all imperfect. To be imperfect is to be human. Our current situation is encouraging us to do what we can with what we have and allow that to be enough.  We’re appreciating and accepting these imperfections so much more right now, not only in each other, but in ourselves. We’re seeing the vulnerability of others, and we’re allowing them to see ours. We’re connecting, even though we’re apart, on a real, human level. And personally, I think it’s beautiful - makeup-less, sweatpants, un-managed hair, messy living rooms, and all.