How An Allergic Reaction Is Forcing Me to Re-Focus On Myself

Last week, I broke out in some sort of an allergic reaction. It started on my chest and neck first thing in the morning. At work, I noticed it was on my right thumb. By the end of the day, it was all over my right hand. Saturday, it showed up on my left hand, and by Sunday it was on my nose. At this point, I decided this wasn’t just going to disappear on its own, and I got some cortisone cream, mostly for my hands, chest, and neck (wasn’t sure about putting that on my face). Monday, it seemed to improve. But Tuesday, I noticed it spreading on my face, and moving towards my eye, which completely freaked me out (don’t really relish the idea of mystery rash in my eye!) and I called a dermatologist, who managed to get me an appointment for Thursday (note: this is almost unheard of for a new patient appointment and I was super grateful). By the time I got to the dermatologist, the reaction had eased a bit from my face and upper chest/neck, but reappeared lower on my chest and was on my upper back/neck and forearms. Basically, it keeps randomly showing up places and each place it shows up, it presents slightly differently.

The dermatologist confirmed that it’s most likely an allergic reaction, though to what neither she or I can say. But she took it seriously enough that she wants me to go back in two weeks, and also gave me strict instructions, as well as a treatment plan, for the two weeks in between. She said if it doesn’t improve, or goes away and come back, the next step is an allergist.

I’d also like to pause here and acknowledge something hugely important. Her first suggestion was a course of oral steroids. She could read my reaction immediately. I explained that I have a mood disorder, and that I’ve really been struggling with it lately. I told her I was worried about my mental health if I had to take something that is known for side effects that include mood swings and anxiety, on top of what I’m battling. It was at this point that she suggested we try something else first and suggested the current plan. She not only listened, but was understanding and addressed my concern. As I left, she even said kindly, “I hope you start to feel better soon. In every way”, clearly acknowledging my mental health struggles. I cannot tell you how valuable that is as a patient. Especially as a patient whose condition (mood disorder) is often addressed by essentially being told to think positive thoughts or to try harder to be in a better mood or something equally ridiculous.

Back to the treatment/instructions. I have very specific shower instructions, instructions on what soaps and lotions and even shampoos and conditioners I can use. I have to take an antihistamine twice a day and I have two different cream medications (face and rest of body). I also am not allowed to wear makeup for two weeks. Technically she said I can wear things like lipstick and eye liner, but basically nothing that touches the majority of my face, and ideally, none at all. This might sound like a silly thing, but when you have a “rash” that’s been randomly showing up on your face and you work in the public sector (and people don’t know you’re not contagious from looking at you), this can feel less than ideal. But I’ve decided that I am going to use this treatment plan as an opportunity, instead of looking at it simply as a hassle.

It might be good for my body to get back to the basic shampoos and soaps, to take extra care of my skin. It may be good to let my face “breathe” a bit more, and not have makeup on. I’ve also decided that since I don’t know what caused this reaction, I’m going to more spend a bit more time examining various aspects of my life - the food I’m eating, for instance. Or what I come in contact with (am I places where there are lots of perfumes/scents/sprays/those essential oil wafting things/etc). Also, the fabrics I’m wearing - are they the kind that are gentle on my skin? What’s the material? Even my clothes washing process. It’s not that I of these specifically caused it, but it’s a good time to step back and examine exactly what I’m exposing myself and my body/skin to in general.

Also, and I want to be EXTREMELY clear here that I’m NOT saying anything like “this is in my head” or blaming myself for an allergic reaction , but as I mentioned, my moods haven’t been well. I’ve been extremely anxious, depressed, emotional, cycling a lot. Some nights I struggle to fall asleep, or wake up at hours like 4AM and can’t go back to sleep. I rush from one place to the next. I’ve gotten so busy working and building my yoga business that I haven’t taken as much time for my own yoga practice. I’ve been drinking more coffee and not enough water. And while neither I nor the dermatologist at all things this is a “stress break out”, (she didn’t even suggest this when I mentioned my mood disorder, which I was incredibly grateful for, because I know this isn’t “all in my head”) I imagine that none of this is helping my immune system, and that I’m not at my best for fighting an allergic reaction. So I decided that perhaps I need to start examining some of these things as well. Of course, I can’t just change my thoughts and change my mood disorder. It’s an illness, and illnesses don’t work like that. But I can examine my sleep habits, the amount of time I carve out for things like yoga and meditation, the way in which I schedule my days/time, and this type of thing. Since I’m stepping back to re-focus on the external environment, it seems like a good time examine my internal environment as well, and see where perhaps I’m not being kind to myself in this area.

So while I’ll never say that I’m glad to have an allergic reaction, especially one that I have no idea where it came from and pops up randomly in a new spot just as I think it’s starting to get better, this is forcing me to re-focus on myself a bit. I’m having to get back to basics with my skincare and “beauty” regimen. I’m refocusing on what I’m consuming and exposing myself to. I’m re-looking at things like my schedule and how I use my time, and how I’m practicing self care - not in terms of bubble baths and spa appointments, but in terms of actually taking care of myself, of working with my chronic illnesses instead of pushing against them. In yoga, there’s a term Sauca. It’s one of the Niyamas, and it more or less means purification. And while it traditionally refers to things like using a netti pot, dry brushing (DEFINITELY not something I should do right now), tongue scraping, and this kind of thing, in a way, I’m being forced to do my own version of sauca. I’m having to purify, in a way, what I’m putting on my skin and body, and I’m choosing to extend this to what I put in my body and expose it to. And while it’s not the same as the true meaning of sauca, I feel that by connecting this in a way to what I’ve learned in yoga, I’m able to turn this from something that could be (and possibly at times will still be) a frustrating situation to an opportunity for curiosity about my practices, and refocusing on myself.