Giving Myself Space & Tuning In

I missed this past week’s blog post. And the week before that. I had something written for both, but I forgot to schedule it and messed up the days of the weeks in my brain, so it was a Wednesday by the time I remembered it (I usually post on Tuesdays), and when I did, something told me to hang on to it and let the week(s) go without a post.  I can’t entirely explain it, but since this month I’m focusing on listening to my inner voice, I let it guide me. 

The thing is, I have a lot going on at the moment. I mean, don’t we all, right? And admittedly, there are plenty of people who have way more to deal with, so this definitely isn’t a “woe is me” type post. But there are some things happening in my life, in addition to the global pandemic and general state of the world, that could mean some major life shifts. Some I can share here. Some I’d prefer to not share publicly, though I’m happy to share privately with those I trust that truly want to know. One of the biggest is that I recently was laid off. Our company’s site contract was terminated, and given that almost all business is slow right now, there was not another site for me to go to. It’s not the first time I’ve been through the loss of a site contract, but it is the first time in a global pandemic where jobs are scarce. It’s creating some uncertainty in my life in a year already full of uncertainty, and let’s just say my anxiety doesn’t like it, nor does my mood disorder. 

In addition, I’m noticing that the longer the pandemic looms, and the longer I continue to not do regular pre-COVID activities, the more anxious I become about doing virtually anything, and the more I find myself isolating. The more things open up, the more anxious I get that I’m going to come into contact (not physical contact because please stay six feet away, but be nearby) someone who’s unknowingly infected. So the tendency is to isolate further. Which doesn’t help my mental health, and the cycle continues. 

So right now, I’m trying to give myself some space and to tune inward. I’m working to not be so hard on myself, to not blame or shame or guilt myself when I’m struggling to focus, when I maybe didn’t get as much done as I hoped, when I forget to post a blog or promote a class as much as I hoped. I’m trying to not be so judgemental. if my moods cycle even more than usual, if I’m feeling extra emotional or frustrated. Instead, I’m trying to listen in, to tune inward and listen to myself, to that core deep within me, past all of the anxious thoughts and the worst case scenarios and the “shoulds” and the “if only”s. It helps me center. It helps to quiet the background noise, both in life and in my head, so that I can connect with myself at a deeper level. It reminds me that it’s ok if I didn’t get my entire to-do list done today (assuming nothing was truly emergent). It reminds me that I can write that blog or share that post tomorrow, next week, whenever and in the end, it’ll be fine. It reminds me that if I’m “behind” in the personal or business development course I’m doing (it’s not for a grade, it’s for me), that I’m actually not - that I’ll get the most out of it if I allow myself to work at my own pace, and if I focus on it when I feel most effective, instead of pushing through just to complete it within a certain number timeline. It helps me remember that whatever is going on in my life externally, it doesn’t make me any less valid of a human being, any less worthy, any less “enough”.